Mary Ann Chory, an executive at Northrop Grumman, sent this article: http://www.latimes.com/… about women having male friends at work and asked what I thought. I think it’s tricky. Just ask Senator McCain. When I did my psychology internship at the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department (which was years ago) the wives of male officers often complained about having their husbands ride with female officers. Although they said it was because they didn’t think another woman could keep their husbands safe, I think it was a little too close for comfort.

Some of my best professional colleagues are men — but I know that I have to walk The Thin Pink Line to make it work. Not developing relationships with male colleagues for fear of what others will say isn’t the answer. You miss out on too many opportunities by doing that. Here are some coaching tips for making male/female workplace relationships work for you:

1. Avoid even the appearance of impropriety. I once coached a woman who had lunch with her boss every day in a very expensive restaurant. They were gone for hours and, as you might imagine, the rumors began to fly. She swore to me that nothing improper was going on but, as I told her, perception is reality. If she wanted to protect her career and that of her boss she needed to limit the number and amount of time spent at those lunches (and I told her boss the same thing).

2. Get to know spouses or significant others. This allows them to get to know you on a personal basis and become more comfortable with you and the relationship you have with their significant other. If possible, socialize as families outside the workplace rather than you having dinner alone with the male co-worker all of the time.

3. Avoid “in” jokes, comments, or looks. You may have discussed something one day and sure enough it comes up at a meeting you’re both at the next day — this doesn’t mean you can shoot each other a knowing glance. That’s the “self-regulation” part of being emotionally intelligent.

4. Warm feelings don’t have to be taken to the next level. This is something I learned in my therapeutic training. When two people share ideas, close physical proximity, a certain degree of intimacy, or secrets they often think a physical relationship is the next logical step. It doesn’t have to be. Acknowledge warm feelings but recognize that taking it further will likely have disasterous consequences for you both.

5. Know when it’s time to set clearer boundaries. If it becomes apparent that being friends isn’t really possible, take steps to change the dynamic. That may mean that you no longer have lunch together, although you still confer on projects. Or that when traveling together on business you don’t explore a new city together on your free time but do present a seamless front to clients you’re there to visit.

TAGS: how to be friends with a male co-worker, John McCain, Los Angeles Times, male/female workplace relationships; avoiding the appea