Letting Go Is Hard to Do
As I listened to Barack Omaba denounce Jeremiah Wright last week, I was reminded of how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship that was once good and is now bad.
Thankfully, when most of us face the decision about cutting someone loose, we have the luxury to grapple privately with the “when” and “how” to do it yet the “if” is still a struggle. How do you know when a relationship has become toxic? Is there an acid test? I think there is - when the other person doesn’t consider your interests, only her own, even when you have made it clear that your needs are not being met.
Consider these situations:
- Your boss exhibits a pattern of claiming credit for your work. You tell her at the appropiate time and in a way that she should be able to hear it, but nothing changes. She probably won’t - time to make a tough decision.
- Your friend makes and then cancels appointments to get together - all the time. You tell her that the constant rescheduling is wreaking havoc with your overscheduled life, but nothing changes. She probably won’t - time to make a tough decision.
- One of the people who works on your team is not responding to coaching you have provided about how he needs to change work practices that aren’t productive for the rest of the team. He doesn’t change his behaviors. Time to make a tough decision,
As difficult as these decisions can be to make, not making them is worse. When it’s time to let go, it’s time. You’ll know.
TAGS: career derailments, communication, gaining confidence, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, politics at work, relationship chips, self-help, Self-trust
Carol, you and I are so on the same page about this. As a matter of fact I posted an upcoming “Coaching Tip of the Day” on the same subject for later this month. As we get older there are more and more people we’ve come across in our lives who we can either choose to stay in touch with or choose to let go. I think it’s important to recognize how much you appreciate what someone once added to your life (and hopefully vice versa) and be able to graciously let go of the relationship. Yes, it is hard, but it’s possible.
Comment by Dr. Lois Frankel — May 6, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
Hello Lois,
I incidently came across your book ‘See Jane Lead’. I am a typical nice girl of your book. Your book has been very very inspirational. I am working towards changing my image and getting bolder. I am 33. This is the 1st time I am stepping out and participating in a volunteering organisation. I am still working on identifying my strengths and weaknesses.
I am faced with a very simple situation, but am unable to decide the right course of action.
I am giving a presentation with another lady. I called up 3 weeks before the presentation to have a meeting to get the rough draft ready for the presentation. The other person cancelled the meeting. I expected the other lady to call back and fix another meeting. The presentation is in 3 days and I am still waiting. Should I call and finalize the presentation, or let her give her presentation and I give my presentation? I don’t want to give her the impression that I am unable to prepare a presention by myself and am looking forwards to her support, by calling again.
I cant take a strong decision as I have to work with her in the future.
She is being nominated the president of the association an I am being nominated the vice-president. Could you please advice…
With regards,
Anna.
Comment by Anna — June 2, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
Anna - With your presentation only 3 days away, I’d say your colleague is either a procrastinator or someone who does not like to collaborate. Either way, you need to be certain that you are 100% on your game when you present your portion. What’s not clear to me is if (1) she will present first or if you will and (2) if you are concerned about potential overlap of content. Obviously, if you go first this is not of as much concern but you still want to look well-coordinated or else you both look bad.
Therefore, here’s what I would do:
1. Send your colleague an e-mail indicating that you didn’t hear back from her so you’re going to go ahead and prepare a solo presentation.
2. Let her know that you’d be happy to share what you have prepared if that would be helpful to her.
If you would like to see her presentation ahead of time to avoid overlap, be honest and ask for it for this reason.
3. Be professional and collegial. You can’t control her behavior but you can control yours so make sure you “take the high road.”
4. The day of the presentation be publicly supportive of her.
Now go for it!
Comment by Dr. Lois Frankel — June 3, 2008 @ 10:52 am