Emotions ─ and our ability to control them ─ make all the difference in our negotiations.  And, the more important the negotiation is to us, the more challenging to manage our emotions.  I had a personal experience recently when my temper flared and, as a result, I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.  Yes, I knew better but still fell into the emotion trap.

Deepak Malhotra, Gillian Ku and J. Keith Murnighan’s Harvard Business Review article, “When Winning Is Everything” (May, 2008) discussed the problems negotiators face when they get so emotionally invested in besting the other party that their judgment suffers.  These experts isolate three drivers of what they call “competitive arousal”:

1. intense rivalry, especially when there is “history” between the parties
2. time pressure, a ticking clock increases anxiety
3. being in the spotlight, negotiating while others watch

Dan Ariely’s fascinating book, “Predictably Irrational” also discusses the risk we take when we underestimate the power of emotion; the decisions we make “in the heat of the moment” not only differ than those we make when we are cool, calm and collected but can get us in all sorts of trouble.

What to do? 

Recognize that you have a choice to make.  You can respond to a “move” the other party makes that makes you angry by responding with a “counter-move” or you can use a “turn” go regain momentum.  For example, if the other party says, “You’re too emotional”, you can countermove by saying, “No, I’m not.” But that is likely to exacerbate an already tense situation. 

Instead, you can redirect the conversation by using a “turn“.  While there are several turns, the simplest one is to interrupt ─ just stop the action.  

How?  It depends on how difficult things are. 

If all you need is a few seconds to compose yourself, get up to pour yourself a glass of water.

If you need a few minutes to think about what to do next, suggest a short break: “I think we should take a 10 minute break.  We’ll both benefit from the chance to step back for a bit.”

 If things are really heated, recommend a longer break: “I think we’ve done as much as we can today.  Let’s take some time to think about the progress we’ve made as well as the remaining issues and get back together again in a couple of days.”

Interrupting can buy you some time to reconsider the issues and think about other potential ways to resolve them but every bit as important, stopping the action will give you the space you need to regain your emotional balance.

This post originally appeared on June 19, 2008 on The Glass Hammer blog.  The Glass Hammer is an online community designed for women executives in financial services and law.

TAGS: business communication, competition, Dan Ariely, Deepak Malhotra, gaining confidence, Gillian Ku, Harvard Business Review, J. Keith Murnighan, negotiation skills, Self-trust