Making Sure You’re Valued
I just finished (hopefully) four days of my fifteen-year-old daughter battling a nasty stomach virus. She’s looking much better today. But it was stressful and little sleep was had.
It reminded me of the many years when she and her brothers were ill and my mother was in and out of emergency rooms while I was trying to do a great job at work and later be promoted to levels women had not reached. Keeping a career going strong under those circumstances is an extraordinary challenge. Even with a husband like mine who has been very involved when the children have been ill and there for me and I for him when things have gotten difficult, meeting family and work demands remains a major challenge for most women.
If you’ve been listening to Senator Obama talk about women’s pay being significantly lower than that of men and his references to Michelle Obama carrying the lion’s share of taking care of their children, you can’t help but wonder why so little has changed since books like The Second Shift were published. Betty Friedan used to tell me that we were in the “second stage”, the title of one of her books, that men were becoming more involved and women were making progress along side of their male counterparts. And certainly to some extent that was and is true.
But I frequently hear from women (young ones too) discovering that they are being paid less than men doing the same jobs. There are those who argue that this is not an issue for government. And I understand that it surely isn’t totally that. Women need to learn to be vigilent about where they stand in terms of salary — before they take a job. And when they haven’t done that, they need to find out where they stand in relation to men doing the same job and find ways within their organization to remedy that inequity. So, in other words, part of the challenge falls to individual women — to all of us. It falls to men to consider such inequity wrong and to do what they can do to alter the situation whether they are managers or colleagues of women underpaid, undervalued or underutilized.
That having been said, it behooves all women to pay attention to what is going on around them. A friend of mine told me last week that her daughter was being offered a consulting job. They didn’t want to pay her what she was worth and the going rate. Her father and mother advised her to walk away. And she did. Too many talented women are talked into less than they deserve. Sometimes that’s required — for a short period of time. When it becomes a habit, women as individuals and as a group lose ground. We inadvertently teach younger women and daughters that it’s fine to accept being undervalued.
We need to keep our eyes wide open, vote for candidates who are serious about improving women’s pay and lessening workplace discrimination. We should expect much from senators and congresspeople in this regard and write to them and/or not vote for them when they fail us. And we should make sure women are not penalized for having children, doing the right thing in terms of being with them when they’re ill, and caring for parents who are ill. We should nudge and even push organizations to be flexible in such times as they are rarely long-term.
In our own relationships, we need to be negotiators of shared responsibility. Individual women should look at their lives, look at the loads they carry, and when they have partners negotiate responsibilities with them. It’s easy to believe that you’re the only one who can feed the baby properly, load the dishwasher the “right way,” soothe an ailing child, work with children on homework, etc. We hurt ourselves this way. And the first step in getting organizations and government to do what is right by women is to do what is right for ourselves. It’s a multi-pronged endeavor.
TAGS: Equal pay, family expectations, family leave, government involvement in pay equity, negotiating pay, overworked
You are so right, Kathleen! One recent study showed that within one year after graduating from college women were earning as much as 20% less than the same men they graduated with. Not accepting jobs where you are underpaid, learning to negotiate your first salary and subsequent raises (check out Carol’s on-line negotiating programs at http://www.negotiatingwomen.com), and asking for assignments that will yield not only more money but more exposure and opportunities for experience that will enhance your resume are three things women can begin doing NOW.
Comment by Dr. Lois Frankel — July 15, 2008 @ 10:22 am
There is no doubt that while we have come a long way, we still have lots more to do.
I agree with you, Kathleen – it is a multi-pronged effort. The necessary “big picture” reforms demand having the right politicians in office ─ after all, they write the legislation. After the Supreme Court decided the Ledbetter case , it behooves all fair minded people to be particularly vigilant as they vote in the 2008 Presidential election because the next President will almost certainly have the opportunity to nominate one or two Justices.
And bravo to the young woman (and her parents) who walked away from the employer who wouldn’t pay her what she and the position are worth. I often advise people to take a temporary job doing any kind of honest work rather than to take a under-paying job in their field (or the field they want to be in). Being underpaid is not only affects your current and future lifestyle (to underscore one of the points Lois makes, being underpaid costs women at least $500.000 over their working lives)it also can impact your psyche. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.”
And finally, I’d like to keep the conversation going about the need to negotiate at home. I know from personal experience that it takes lots of support to raise a family while working full time. Yet, with all we read about what it takes for women to be successful at work, we rarely read about how important it is to negotiate at home about all sorts of things. I’m considering writing a book on this subject so I’d love to hear from readers:
§ Are you interested in the topic of what and how to negotiate at home?
§ What challenges do you face?
§ What tips/techniques have you used that worked?
§ What have been the results?
Comment by Carol Frohlinger, JD — July 15, 2008 @ 11:45 am
I have enjoyed all your comments and they offer our readers great advice. Kathleen is right on regarding the need to negotiate at home. In this regards, I believe that sometimes a woman is her own worst enemy. Sharing in the responsibility means letting your partner do things their way and not “your way.” When children are small, finding a routine that works and sticking with it helps everyone in the family.
A simple example of a routine that helped me balance life and work was understanding that I would be tempted to stretch staying at work if I didn’t have a deadline like the child care center closing. Also, my husband was not a morning person and hated to be rushed. He was the perfect person to get the kids ready for pre-school, spend time with them and get them to school at a leisurely pace. He had flexibility with his work schedule in the morning. I then could pick them up and without special arrangements had to be there at a certain time which always guarnteed a great quantity of time to spend with the kids in the evening when they were small. The kids liked the routine so much that if we changed it, we had to let them know in advance or the kids hated it.
Simple sharing of tasks that balance the many conflicts of work and home are important. What works for you given your situation needs to be customized. You need to have friends who are other women who don’t sit in judgment of how you choose to balance home and family and only offer you encouragement and advice.
If I hadn’t been so secure in my knowledge that I could work full time and have a well-adjusted family, the stress put on me by other people’s petty comments would have been unbearable. I was very lucky to have had a mother who had to work full time (at night) to help make ends meet. I was the oldest of six kids and my father wanted to spend time with us which is why he stayed home at night to play with us and my mother went to work. We all turned out pretty well so I knew it was ok for a woman to work and have a well adjusted family. Our society still doesn’t buy into this and this puts much strain on women.
Comment by mac — July 15, 2008 @ 11:22 pm
You had me at “Thin”.
The Thin Pink Line has come at a time when it became uncomforably clear that I needed to move forward with my life and career. When I read the posts I hear myself talking (or nagging, depending on who you ask!). Most recently I’ve had the same concerns about the perpetuation of female ghettoism (to borrow a term from Dr. Frankel). Friends and family encourage their daughters into stereotypical “helper” roles without a thought about their financial future or the gender-based trap being set for them. Why is that so many women can’t seem to understand that happiness has little to do with the material gains but so much more to do with purposeful living?
Every opportunity available to me I talk about independence, responsibility, accountability, success, business, choices and relationships with my 7 year old daughter. It’s a challenge finding words that convey my thoughts so that she understands, but little by little I know, she gets it.
Thanks Thin Pink Line. You have created a space where women can find strength to believe in themselves. Keep up the purposeful work.
Comment by Lucretia Roberton — July 16, 2008 @ 12:38 am
The comments above show the introspection it takes to really alter our lives in ways that facilitate doing well, feeling well, and enjoying work and home. I listen to a meditation each day called Morning/Evening Meditation by Bernie Siegel. In it he says to think of the hugs, the positive looks, the good feelings you had today. Sometimes I realize that a hug from one of my children was noticed by me, but I really soak it in during that meditation. And I smile. It’s another way of making the good parts of life last longer, mean more, leave an imprint, and affect all else too. While we’re sorting out our lives to make them better, we need some of this type of time too. Also, clearing your head with meditation or relaxation, stepping back in whatever way works, often allows you to come at problems in a more practical way and achieve better results. Part of being able to negotiate life at work and home involves knowing when you’re best suited to do that — not when you’re tired and angry but when your head is clear and your priorities as well.
Comment by Dr. Kathleen Kelley Reardon — July 16, 2008 @ 3:26 am