Last night I was privileged to attend the Women for Women 2008 Gala Dinner. This incredible organization was started 15 years ago by Zainab Salbi, who, as a 23 year old, not only wondered what she could do to make the world a better place but took action. Women for Women’s mission is to assist women in war torn countries economically, socially and emotionally.

I encourage you to read more about what they do (simply amazing) but that’s not the main purpose of this post, rather, it is about how paying attention to the things that really matter can help to put things into perspective.

All too often lately, I know I have been focused on the economic situation and feeling badly about it. Last night, it was easy for me to see that my concerns are small in contract to those whose lives are truly in chaos.

We’re almost always better off than we think we are. And giving to others is a sure-fire way to feel richer.

TAGS: giving back, volunteering, Women for Women, Zainab Salbi

Not too long ago I spoke at an event where Cherie Blair, wife of former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, was the luncheon keynoter.  When I was introduced to her I wasn’t really sure what to say so I asked the usual, “How are you enjoying the United States?”  Without missing a beat she said, “I love the United States but I don’t love the fact that the airline lost my luggage with all my little bottles of make-up and lotions.”  We chatted about this for a moment and she was about to be whisked away when I asked, “One last question.  What do you think of the portrayal of your husband in the movie The Queen?”  Again, quick on the draw, she said, “He’s actually so much better looking than the actor who portrayed him.  Don’t you think?”  Everyone standing around laughed and she was off.

It made me realize the importance of humor in our lives — both at home and at work.  I spent the first three and a half decades of my life as a pretty serious and somber woman.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like to have a good time, because I definitely did.  But in my 40s I had dinner with two clients who unknowingly changed my life.  The two of them knew each other for years and together they were simply hysterical.   I did not stop laughing the entire evening.  The next day it struck me that I didn’t have any friends who played off one another like this or who made me laugh as hard.  I realized I never laughed out loud at a movie or television show.  I would never choose to go to a comedy movie – give me an angst-filled drama any day.  And I was rarely “silly.”  As crazy as it may sound, I enjoyed laughing with these clients so much that I consciously worked on lightening up.  And what I found was when I did (lighten up) everything flowed so much easier and more fluidly.  Life was just more fun. 

The caveat, of course, is that you have to know when and how to use humor.  Overused it can become an annoyance.  So here are a few tips for how you can lighten up:

1.  Find opportunities to laugh at yourself… out loud.  Nothing will humanize you faster than laughing at yourself when you make a small faux pas.  An egregious, costly mistake probably isn’t the time, but when you mistakenly add a tablespoon of salt to the soup instead of a pinch – even if the boss or your mother-in-law is coming for dinner – that’s the time. 

2.  Find your funny bone.   There are certain comedians and comedy shows that always make me laugh, and others that I think are sophomoric.  For me, laughing out loud requires clever writing, not slap stick goofiness.  Once you find your funny bone, feed it regularly.

3.  Let go of the need for perfection.  It’s just about impossible to lighten up when you’re focused on being perfect or having everything perfect.  That’s waaaaaay to stressful.   Lightening up isn’t only about laughing, it’s about being able to smile even when nothing particularly funny is happening in the moment. 

4.  Dance yourself silly.  Last year a number of friends in my age bracket and I attended the wedding of a young woman we all knew and loved.  As the evening wore on we danced more and more… and then some more.  The following week when my friend Susan and I debriefed the experience (you can tell we’re therapists, can’t you?), we agreed we need more dancing in our lives.  It’s a unique form of lightening up.  Maybe that’s why I liked Mamma Mia so much.

5.  Surround yourself with upbeat, rather than downbeat, friends.  Once I started focusing more on lightening up I realized most of my friends, like me, were pretty serious folks.  My choice in new friends actually shifted toward lighter-hearted, yet good-hearted, people. 

TAGS: Cherie Blair, Humor, laughter, lightening up

Last week at the Texas Conference for Women I ran into Valerie Coleman Morris.  You may remember her as the business anchor for CNN. A few years ago when my book Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich was released she interviewed me on her show, The Flip Side, and as we caught up on where life had taken each of us since that time she mentioned she was still committed to continuing her work in the area of financial literacy.  I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to ask her to share her thoughts with you about the current financial crisis facing Americans. In true gracious Valerie fashion, she agreed and wrote the following blog for readers of The Thin Pink Line.

There’s nothing like a financial crisis to get everyone’s attention.  Throughout my life, whenever facing hard times, I remember my Dad would at some point always ask, “Valerie, why does a car have a rear view mirror?”  To which I would respond, “So you know where you’ve been, Dad.”  He’d nod and continue, “What happens if you look too long in the the rear view mirror instead of looking ahead?”  To which I would give the now familiar and practiced response, “You won’t know where you’re going or what you’re about to run into, Dad.”

With the currrent, traumatized state of the economy, my Dad’s message is one you can take to the bank: look to the future, make a plan and don’t keep staring in the “rear view mirror” of your finances.  The losses you’ve suffered are gone.  They’re in the past.  They were victim’s of our country’s economically depraved indifference — a time when good people were enticed into accepting a predatory environment of conspicuous consumption that required being in debt.  That’s the rear view mirror perspective.

The financial recovery you can make in the future will depend on recalculating your relationship with your personal money right now — so you know where you’re going.  Here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you do just that:

• The financial crisis is an opportunity for each of us to get rid of the old “put it on your credit card” mentality.  It’s an opportunity to implement some sense of control.  It’s a window of reality in which to teach ourselves and our children the difference between wants and needs, getting to know and understand the benefits of delayed, rather than instant, gratification — however large or small — to which we’d all become accustomed.
• As strange as it may seem, we must see a silver lining in our country’s current, grave economic circumstances: an opportunity to teach ourselves and our families about protecting and managing our personal money and to put in place a new culture that is committed to managing our past out-of-control consumption.
• Look at and create a new money vision for yourself.  Write it down and tell someone your plan so you feel committed.  Take small daily steps regarding managing your personal money but do them with a sense of urgency.  Stay clear about what you can comfortably afford to spend because that’s the best way to stay out of debt and control overspending — which can happen even when money is tight. 

 We’ll get through this — as we did the financial downturn of 1982 — and we’ll come out stronger.  It’s just getting through it now that’s the challenge.  Face your past money decisions — the rear view perspective — without regrets so you can handle your present money needs and challenges with confidence based on looking forward and making a plan.

If you have a “recession confession” you’d like to make to Valerie about something you wish you’d done different or a decision you made that didn’t quite work out as you might have liked… e-mail her at Val@moneyval.net and she’ll give you ideas for how to recalculate your relationship with money.  You can also see her in action in a clip at National Association for Professional Women.

TAGS: financial literacy, managing your finances, the economic crisis, Valerie Coleman Morris

Many times I’m asked about whether I subscribe to the notion that women must play golf in order to ‘”get ahead”.  I’ll respond to that question in a moment but wanted to share some interesting research with those of you who have decided to play golf to enhance your career. (Please note this data is not relevant for the many women who golf because they enjoy the game!)

It seems that there is a correlation between how far the women’s tees are from the men’s tees and the career success women enjoy. Yes, you read that correctly. (more…)

TAGS: golf, informal networking, sports, the thin pink line

The rap on women as investors is that as a group, we tend to be too cautious.

Caution certainly seems warranted these days as the stock market swoons and the financial news all seems bad.

But as Jim Jubak explains in his recent column “When to start investing? Now,” those who dive in when others are fleeing tend to do very well over time.

If you’re in or near retirement, you’ll want to consult with a fee-only financial planner before making any big moves either into or out of this market. You can get referrals from the Garrett Planning Network. (You also might want to schedule a session even if all you need now is a little hand-holding.)

But if you’ve still got a few decades before you’re going to quit work, this could be a prime opportunity. You may have to strap in for a bumpy ride, but history has shown us that those who stay in the market prosper in the long run.

TAGS: financial crisis, financial planning, Investing, women and investing

… work for the government.  Humor me.  I just gotta vent here.  I’m walking into my office this morning and notice the office next to ours, which is occupied by the City of Pasadena, is ornately decorated for Halloween.  And this is just the beginning.  Like in past years, I’m sure it will be similarly decorated for Thanksgiving and Christmas (not so sure about Channukah and Kwaanza).  My first thought was our office looks pretty barren in comparison then my second thought was of course — whaddya expect — they work for the government.  My tax dollars are paying them to take the time to decorate for Halloween!  Keep in mind this is the same office that lost my annual renewal for overnight street parking.

Then I get settled at my desk and realize that the third call I placed in two weeks to a Federal judge in Missouri to discuss a proposal I sent to him on August 28th (to which I had no response) was never returned.  So I call again and his law clerk tells me he received both the proposal and the messages.  Again, I pay his salary and I’m ignored? 

Look at our elected officials.  We send them to Washington, pay their salaries, and they can’t play nicely together in the sandbox to make decisions that impact the public’s welfare.  AND, even when no decisions are made, they leave on hiatus.  I am definitely in the wrong business.

A man in his mid-40s wrote to me not too long ago asking if I thought he should switch jobs.  He said he worked his entire career for the government (didn’t tell me which division or agency) and wasn’t entirely fulfilled nor did he feel he was paid adequately.  He did, however, feel he had a good quality of life and got to spend as much time as he wanted with his family.  A friend of his who worked for a private company said he could help him get a job working with him at a much higher salary, but that he should expect to work long hours and have a longer commute.  The man wanted to know if he should make the move. 

What I wanted to tell him was to stay right where he was.  If he worked for the government for 20+ years and had a good quality of life, cushy (although not personally or financially rewarding) job, and fairly good job security (as far as that goes these days) he was most likely not going to be happy in the private sector where you’re actually held accountable for achieving your goals.  What I did tell him was that he had to weigh the relative importance of professional fulfillment and financial gain over lifestyle issues.  The fact is, you can find fulfillment outside of work and if you see work as the means to the end, not the end, then a “tolerable” job that doesn’t squash your self-esteem or dignity may just work for you. 

Ahhh.  I feel better.  Thanks for listening.  Now I know there’s a flip side to this story.  Anyone care to disabuse me of my ill-conceived notions?

TAGS: government benefits, private vs. public sector jobs, working for the government

I read a disturbing statistic the other day─ people are much more likely (almost 50% more likely) to lie when using email to communicate than they are when using snail mail. Hmmm.  The results of study were published in a paper titled,  “Being Honest Online: The Finer Points of Lying in Ultimatum Bargaining”, co-authored by Lubia Belkin (Lehigh University), Terri Kurtzberg (Rutgers University) and Charles Naquin (DePaul University).

Kurtzberg commented:

“These findings are consistent with our other work that shows that e-mail communication decreases the amount of trust and cooperation we see in professional group-work, and increases the negativity in performance evaluations, all as opposed to pen-and-paper systems. People seem to feel more justified in acting in self-serving ways when typing as opposed to writing.”

While the sample size was small (48 MBA students at Lehigh University) and the findings limited to comparing email with traditional written communication, it made me wonder about implications for negotiation.

I’ve been concerned for awhile that the ubiquitous use of email as a method for people to communicate means that all too often, rather than pick up the phone or meet n person, people negotiate via email. I’ve asked groups with whom I’ve spoken why this is case.

(more…)

TAGS: email, Negotiation, negotiators

I don’t want to be considered good — I want to be exceptional.  There are a lot of good people out there but far fewer exceptional ones.  Exceptional stands out.  Exceptional is rewarded.  And exceptional is personally fulfilling.  To successfully traverse The Thin Pink Line you should be thinking about how to shift from good to exceptional too.  Do these three things consistently and I guarantee you can make exceptional part of your professional brand.

• Continually engage in professional and personal growth opportunities.  These can range from simply reading a professional journal each and every month to getting your MBA.  When you stop learning and growing you move backward to “good.”  I challenge you to consciously seek these opportunities not annually, not once a quarter but every week (if not every day). 
• Separate the forest from the trees.  Good performers focus on the task at hand and do their jobs well.  Exceptional performers connect the dots between the assigned task and ways to deliver results that go beyond expectations.  They’re constantly asking questions such as how can we do this more efficiently?  What would better serve our  clients?  How can we be more cost effective?  What are the trends in our business that we need to stay ahead of?  Be creative.  Take risks.  Don’t be complacent.
• Work on your LQ (likeability quotient).  Once you’re the acknowledged expert in your field it’s time to be that person others seek out, the one they want to work with and maybe even hang out with.  For some people it means going outside of your comfort zone and engaging in more affiliative behaviors.  For others its about letting go of your need to talk and shift to doing more listening (and really hearing what others are saying).  Might that be a stretch?  Sure.  But we’re talking about exceptional here, not just good. 

TAGS: becoming exceptional, Likeability, personal branding, personal growth

I know that a number of Thin Pink Line bloggers serve on nonprofit boards. If you’re a frequent visitor to TTPL you know that Carol and I serve on the Board of Bloom Again Foundation.  I believe in giving back to the community, but if a Board is dysfunctional or unproductive I don’t have time for it — and neither should you.  Your time and expertise is valuable. 

A number of years ago there was a wonderful book titled “Boards from Hell” by Susan Scribner.  Unfortunately it’s no longer available but there are surefire (pun intended) ways you can create a Board from Hell (and the antidote is obviously the opposite behavior):

• Never explain Board roles thoroughly to new members.
• Don’t force Board members to participate in training or orientation.
• Schedule meetings on different days and at different times every month so no one knows when they are.
• Elect someone to chair a committee who is always absent.
• Diversity be damned — just fill Board seats with all of your friends.
• Don’t share information with Board members before meetings.
• Don’t hold people accountable for missing deadlines or not following through on commitments.
• Don’t enforce terms of office.
• Never let staff get to know Board members.
• Never have a quorum — just go ahead and meet anyway. 
• Allow members unlimited absences from Board meetings.

If you serve on a Board from Hell you might want to print this out and offer it as a discussion item for a future meeting.  If members don’t want to change (and many times they’ve grown accustomed to the dysfuntion and are OK with it) then I suggest you find yourself a better Board where you can make a meaningful contribution rather than just spin your wheels.

TAGS: Board Building, Boards from Hell, Nonprofit Boards

I read an interesting post last week on the Wall Street Journal “The Juggle” Blog about the need for working parents to rely on grandparents for childcare. Sue Shellenbarger made the point that in tough economic times, parents are more likely to have no alternative but to ask grandparents to help out but they often worry whether they are asking too much of their parents. That is certainly a valid concern and it seems to me that there is another challenge as well ─ how do you, as a parent, manage to enforce your parenting standards if your own parent (or even trickier, your parent-in-law) is the care-giver? The challenge is daunting!

My advice is to anticipate the situations you may face and have a frank conversation to preempt problems:

• Compare your style of parenting to your parent’s. What is your philosophy? Theirs? How are they similar? How do they differ? How will you communicate your philosophies to one another?

• What issues do you feel are flexible? Which are “non-negotiable” from your point of view?

• How will you provide feedback to one another regarding what’s working and what’s not?

Relationships between grandparents, parents and children can be enhanced when grandparents give their love and time by providing childcare.  The way to reduce stress from everyone’s perspective is to reach agreement on the things that matter.

TAGS: childcare, grandparents, managing your relationships, Negotiation, Relationships