Since the U.S. holiday season has begun with Thanksgiving (an old tradition) and Black Friday (a relatively new tradition), it seems timely to consider ways you can manage the season in a way that ensures that you will truly enjoy it, rather than merely enduring it. Recently, the NY Times had an article about how badly some families behave ─ the examples included everything from a complaint that sweet potatoes with marshmallows weren’t on the menu to a woman who found the need to delve deep into her psyche to share her conviction that her family didn’t love her.

Funny, if it’s not your family!

But, sadly, bad behavior isn’t limited to the holiday gathering alone. It can begin with disagreements about who’ll host, who’ll be invited, whether to do a sit-down dinner or a buffet and whether the good china or paper plates are the right table setting. And that is certainly not an exhaustive list!

If you want to enjoy the holidays, you need to have a realistic idea of what is doable given your particular situation. Consider these ideas:

• You can’t make everyone happy and you shouldn’t be disappointed about that.
  Some family members don’t like each other and if that is the case in your family, don’t make the mistake of thinking it’ll be different this year unless you take preemptive action. If you think there is a chance that the “difficult” person will listen, consider having a conversation about the offending behaviors. Try not to review past transgressions, rather, focus on the upcoming opportunities to be more congenial. If the difficult person won’t listen, consider dropping him/her from the guest list.

• Tradition is important until it doesn’t work anymore, then have the courage to start new traditions.
  When my sister first married, she and her husband traveled every year both to her husband’s family and to ours, thousands of miles from where they were living and from each other. They continued the tradition when their first daughter was born and kept it going even after their second child came along. Each year, it became more difficult ─ their visiting time was limited at each family, the children tended to pick up airborne germs in the crowded airplanes and the cost was outrageous. Finally, they decided that it was time to make a change ─ they started alternating so that they visited only one family each year. While they wished they could be in two places each year, the reality was that they weren’t enjoying the holidays much at all doing things the way they had done them before. Their situation was different. We all got over it.

• Plan ahead.
  If you know that your children won’t eat Aunt Sarah’s luscious leg of lamb, ask her ahead of time if you can bring along something for them that they will eat. If you are traveling, pack some games or toys that will keep them busy and happy. If you know they tend to melt down at 8:00 PM, perhaps you can negotiate an earlier start time.

• Appreciate the stresses others may be feeling.
  Most people (even the most difficult of family members) aspire to enjoy the holidays. While it may not seem like it, they probably don’t wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I’ll do my best to make someone miserable today, and I’ll give myself extra points it that person is related to me!”. They have their own perspectives and feelings; the more you try to listen to their concerns, the better your chances to reach agreements that work for both of you. That’s a gift that will long outlast the leftovers!

TAGS: bad behavior, Families, holidays, LinkedIn

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  I was born Thanksgiving week and as a child relished the fact that there were birthday parties for me – everywhere!  My Dad planted that seed to counteract the sting of my older cousin’s annual taunt:  “Happy birthday, turkey!”  

This Thanksgiving 2009, I’m thankful that we are closer (though still a long way to go) to the end of this brutal recession and that I’ve had the opportunity to provide you some tools/information with which to rebalance your financial lives going forward. 

It has been written: “You can’t change the direction of the wind but you can reset your sails”.  That’s my Thanksgiving wish for each of you.  I think “resetting your sails” speaks to the importance of life long learning when it comes to personal money because with every major life change, we must readjust/reset how we handle and allocate our money resources.  We use money every day but new information about money and how it impacts the lives of every day people isn’t talked about regularly or consistently until there’s a financial crisis.  That’s when the topic gets everyone’s attention. 

I strongly believe in the concept of “mind over money matters” – the process of identifying what you want and why, when you want it, and what it takes to achieve it.  Those disciplines work in good times and in bad.    

There are new tools and rules of engagement regarding re-calculating your relationship with money – the most important of which is:  before you decide what to do with your money, first know how you feel about your money.  For example, if you find a dollar, do you say “what can I do with this dollar?” or “what can this dollar do for me?”  A wealth building mindset will embrace the latter. 

In 2008, everything and everyone changed regarding the modern world and money.  I see that as an opportunity – a new rule of engagement – that says everyone can benefit from ongoing, continuing education regarding basic money knowledge and responsibilities.  “Mind over money – matters” and the concept can be taught as early as the age of 3 by teaching children the difference between wants and needs – a money lesson that many adults never learned and as a consequence have made ongoing, poor money choices and suffered the consequences.  

What we’re going to face economically in the months and years ahead is a social phenomenon of slow job creation as a consequence of the systematic transfer of manufacturing and production abilities abroad.  Those jobs won’t come back overnight and those nations to which we’ve transferred skill and knowledge have now transferred those skills to their respective work forces and will be our competitors as we try to rebuild our manufacturing and production base here at home.  What heretofore were underprivileged countries are now emerging economies. 

This is happening in the midst of a domestic and world economy that has all sorts of electronic components:  social networks, day trading, and investment clubs on line – which further supports and emphasizes the importance of life long learning when it comes to personal money.  Our new, post-recession economy will require everyday people of all ages to be life long learners about money, economics and most importantly – our system of commerce and finance called capitalism.  This recession has proved that the average American is a poor capitalist.  Many don’t know how it works.  Those who do – don’t know how you grow it and make it work for them rather than against them.   

Finding a new relationship with your money has never been easier.  That’s the recession’s silver lining.  While money decisions have always had consequences, this recession got everybody’s attention.  The consequences are now clearer and more important to every member of the family. The new money rules of engagement and responsibility will require families to practice a form of “cooperative economics” since this financial dilemma has caused a boomerang effect of adult children (and often elders who can no longer afford retirement communities) returning home.  This has created a new and challenging financial dynamic for Baby Boomers who were poised for retirement and now can’t because of their own huge losses which are compounded by the money needs of the generation above (aging parents) and the one below (their adult children). 

Those are the reasons why this Thanksgiving 2009, I hope you and your family will embrace a collective mindset:  to make financial decisions based on what you want and why you want it, when you want it and what it takes to achieve it.  That kind of money discipline will work for you in good times and in bad. 

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: life long learning and money, Money mindset, personal money management, Relationship with money

You know I’m a proponent of assertive communication, standing up for what’s rightfully yours, and having the courage to speak the unspoken.  Well, a week-end visit with my brother, who is incarcerated in a Federal facility for selling pseudophedrine (which is another story), reminded me of the old maxim, “you can’t fight city hall.”   He was telling me stories about guys who had legitimate rights that were being denied to them, but who wound up losing not only the battle but the war because when it comes to the government, none of us have any rights. 

One such guy who was labeled a troublemaker for just asking for what he was due, was given a job working in the jail’s infirmary but there were no patients, there was nothing to do, and nothing to read. So he took some trash out of the waste basket looking for something to entertain himself.  Well, that got him thrown in the hole (solitary) because he was accused of tampering with confidential information.  See what I mean?  When you threaten the fragile egos of people who aren’t paid a lot but aren’t going anywhere because they have good benefits and job security (more than most of us have these days anyway) you’re going to lose one way or the other.

The real problem with our system of government employment is that these people have jobs for life.  Whether they’re guarding inmates, working for the IRS, or delivering mail, they have unions that represent them and there’s little money to train managers how to deal with underperformers, so they let them stay on.   The longer they stay on the stronger the implied contract and the harder it is to terminate them.  Who suffers?  You and me — and those poor people who have them as guards in jail. 

It somehow seems to me the government takes basically good human beings and turns them into passive aggressive automatons.  With no real power, they exercise control over those who depend on them for their services.  We wind up having to walk a thin (and not even pink) line around them.  Take the mail carriers.  I once complained that our carrier was leaving packages at the curb rather than dropping them at the doorstep where they were less visible — and for this I didn’t get any mail for a few weeks.  Now that’s passive aggressive. 

Or there was the time when the EEOC came to review the records of the company I was working for in the 1980s.  When I wouldn’t provide certain records (on the advice of our corporate counsel) they pulled out all stops and turned a simple record review into a full blown audit.  That’s passive aggressive too.   And how many times do we see cases of police brutality with citizens who resist even a little? 

I always say, if someone earns a lot less than you and has less control over his or her day-to-day activities, but has more job security, beware.  That’s the person who can hurt you most.  Since it’s impossible to avoid them, I think you need to take a lesson from my brother, who has learned to survive an inherently bad system:  smile, never suggest they’re wrong, and grovel.  I may be for assertive communication, but I’m not so foolish as to think I can beat city hall.

TAGS: dealing government agencies, interacting with the government

At Thanksgiving dinner this week, parents and other relatives are bound to ask their Gen Y children, “How’s that job search coming along?”

While some people fear this question, I encourage job seekers to embrace it. Why not use your family’s interest as an opportunity? If you’re comfortable asking your loved ones for help, there are several ways you can enlist their support — appropriately — in your job search efforts.

Listen to some tips on this topic in my new podcast.

TAGS: Generation Y, Job Search

A reader writes:

I am a woman working with a big male-dominated team (30+ members) in an IT company. Only four in the entire team are women. The male colleagues often hang out together, have Friday parties and often short picnics. When any new male member joins the team, he is invited to the parties immediately. Once, a female colleague tried joining them, but she was immensely discouraged.

I understand that they discuss team politics and issues in these parties, and often make comments about the female colleagues. Often, they share their opinions about others in the team and “office news” too. This leads to a huge informal information flow between the males from which the females have been kept out.

This has led to a situation where I and my female colleagues are feeling quite left out. The male colleagues feel like they are buddies, and I am fairly sure their interaction is influencing some important decisions within the team on work sharing, appraisals and promotions.

I would like to hear your advice on how to deal with such a situation.

You sound frustrated and I can certainly empathize. The men in your office certainly do seem to be excluding women from their informal gatherings and, if that is the case, it is insensitive at best and potentially illegal at worst.  So, what to do?

Because I don’t know enough about the company culture, the personalities or the history about how and why this situation evolved, I can offer only some general advice:

1. Don’t over-exaggerate the value of these “boys’ nights”. They may be a lot less worth attending than they seem and it’s hard to know what really goes on since you’re not there. The true impact may only be a hang-over.
2. It’s hard to be comfortable in a group when you know you’re not wanted so don’t push too hard to be invited to the informal gatherings the guys organize. Imagine how you and the women with whom you work will feel even if you do get invited ─ just because you are in the room doesn’t mean you’ll be welcome. Nor does it mean that your male colleagues will share information with you. In fact, trying to push your way in (even if you were successful somehow, which is highly unlikely) could result in increased tension.
3. For the reason explained in #2, a sincere invitation is the only one worth anything. If you are convinced that you and the women with whom you work are missing out on important information, how can you wrangle a sincere invitation? Is there one man who is the leader, either officially or unofficially? If so, perhaps you or one of your female colleagues who has a good relationship with him could have a conversation with him about the situation to better understand what’s going on, why and what to do about it. Perhaps other women can also reach out to other men they think they can influence.
4. If you are convinced you will be retired before you receive a sincere invitation to “boys’ night”, why not organize your own gathering but invite your male colleagues? Be sure to approach your male colleagues as individuals, leaning on existing relationships to improve the chances that they’ll attend.
5. I’m not sure how their interaction is influencing appraisals and promotions unless management is also attending these gatherings; in that case, you and your female colleagues may want to have a conversation with the boss to apprise him of your collective concerns. If things continue as they are after that conversation, you may want to alert your HR department.

Readers, any other ideas?

TAGS: excluded, inclusion, LinkedIn, tough situation

Thanks to those of you who shared your experiences with office romances.  For those of you who didn’t read my post from last Wednesday (11/18) you might want to check it out. 

So the end of the story is this, in the midst of the difficulties, Carol was recruited away by another company for a fantastic job with an even larger salary than she would have received with the promotion.  She is now living with the man who she was dating at her previous company and both are thrilled with how it turned out.  It looks like marriage might be in the cards for them.

Both E.D. and Donlyn nailed it — my recommendation was that she find another job.  The office romance was not going to help her career and she didn’t want to give up the relationship.  Another example of how when you vote with your feet you often wind up better off than waiting out a difficult situation.  More importantly, beware of romantic involvements with co-workers.

TAGS: dating co-workers, dating in the workplace, Office romances

An I-R-A is an Individual Retirement Account although for many Americans it stands for Involved or even Inexplicable Retirement Account.  

According to a recent survey by a subsidiary of AARP, 44% of adults don’t really understand how IRAs work and more than a third aren’t sure or don’t know whether they’re eligible to contribute to one. 

So let’s take a look at IRA basics. 

An IRA is simply a personal account that gives you tax advantages for saving for retirement.  There’s a wide range of IRA investments.  There are certificates of deposit, stocks, bonds, and mutual funds (and even more choices under what’s called self-directed IRAs). 

There are actually eleven types of IRAs but the two people hear about the most are the traditional IRA and the Roth IRA.  Both will allow you to accumulate wealth without paying taxes on your profits along the way.  But the basic big difference between the two: 

• the traditional IRA offers tax-deferred savings  meaning the money you deposit isn’t taxed until you withdraw that money (hopefully many years later)
• the Roth offers tax-exempt savings  meaning you never pay taxes on your gains as long as you follow the rules).

Translation:  the traditional IRA ultimately sticks you with a tax bill for those profits.  The Roth doesn’t.

With the traditional IRA:

• you may be eligible to deduct your contributions
• if you can’t deduct contributions, earnings grow tax-deferred until withdrawn
• withdrawals are taxable
• withdraw before age 59 1/2, in most cases you’ll have to pay both income tax and a 10% penalty
• people age 50 and older can make an additional $1000 “catch up” contribution each year (though two-thirds of Americans in the recent survey didn’t know this).  

With the Roth IRA:

• contributions are never deductible
• available to single filers earning up to $95,000 annually
• to couples making up to $150,000
• great flexibility
• withdrawals (including earnings) are tax free
•  if the IRA has been open for at least 5 tax-years
• and if you’re older than 59 1/2
• as long as you follow the rules, you never pay taxes on your gains.

Many people unfortunately, believe they have until the October 15^th tax-filing extension deadline to contribute to their IRA.   This is unfortunate and incorrect.  If you’re going to make an IRA contribution for this year, it must be made no later than April 15^th, 2010.  

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: IRAs, Money Basics, Roth IRA, traditional IRA

A coaching colleague recently consulted with me about an interesting case that may apply to you.  Her client  (let’s call her Carol) works in a male-dominated industry and has worked hard to get the respect and recognition she deserves.  Soon after starting a relationship with a man in a position senior to her, a promotional opportunity became available.  Carol was considered a strong candidate for the job and had high hopes of snagging it. 

Her office romance became public knowledge when she and the man attended an office party together.  They had nothing to hide — she didn’t report to him and both were single.  But suddenly she was no longer the lead candidate for the promotion.  The company could legitimately find plenty of reasons to promote someone else, but it was clear her relationship played into the equation.  Her coach told her that the company might assume that there was a conflict of interest or that she didn’t really “need” the promotion if the relationship turned into marriage. 

Carol felt betrayed by the company and thought that it was unfair that her personal life played a part in the decision.  Whether it did or not, Carol left herself in a vulnerable position given the fact that she was one of the few women in management at this company and was dating one of the executives.

We all know that people meet their ultimate spouses in the workplace, but it’s not without a price.  I’m sure some considerations (legal or not) here included:

• Could Carol be trusted with confidential information?
• Would Carol ultimately marry the man and go off to have children leaving the company in need of senior manager?
• Was Carol taking her career seriously or was she just out to find a spouse?
• Would other managers and be candid with Carol knowing she and this executive were in a relationship?

You get the picture.  There’s nothing wrong with dating someone from the office, but it can negatively impact your career opportunities.  We all have to live our values and follow our hearts, but if we’re serious about our careers we also have to consider the ramifications of our choices — particularly if we are in senior positions. 

Before I tell you the end of the story, tell me what YOU think.  What should Carol do?  What would YOU do?  After I hear from you I’ll tell you what happened.

TAGS: dating co-workers, dating in the workplace, Office romances

As I follow interesting trials regularly, the Bear Stearns trial of two former hedge fund executives accused of fraud by failing to disclose to investors that the funds were in trouble caught my attention.  This trial became even more interesting to me, however, since reports surfaced that Susan Brune, the defense attorney for Matt Tannin, one of the defendants, cried while delivering her closing statement.

I wonder whether Brune was really overcome by emotion she couldn’t control or whether her tears were intended to elicit sympathy for her client from the jury.

My guess is that many of us have had a career moment where we were close to tears or even went all the way.  While we are only human, I think we’d all agree that it’s best to try hard not to break down in the office (or in the courtroom, for that matter).  While welling up once every ten years or so may be tolerated, bawling definitely doesn’t help one’s brand!

Some things to help:

• If you are able to, consider the best time of the day for you to have a difficult conversation.
  If you are freshest in the morning, schedule the meeting then.  If you have an important deadline looming, postpone the meeting until that has passed.

• When you feel yourself getting emotional, act preemptively.
  Excuse yourself before it is clear to others that you are on the verge and head some place quiet and private; fresh air is a terrific help if you can get outside.  If you can’t get away, take a deep breath or two; it really helps restore your equilibrium.

• If you do break down, don’t give in to the luxury of a complete loss of control.
  This is not the time to wallow in the righteousness of your cause or your justifiable anger or hurt ─ you must recover quickly. Breathe deeply, stand up, walk around, distract yourself.

• Acknowledge, don’t apologize.
  My experience has been that apologies make people even more uncomfortable. You might say something like. “As you can see, I feel very strongly about this and would like to continue to discuss it later but I’d like to stop talking about it at this moment.  Can we agree to that?”

As it turned out, her client was acquitted but the case isn’t over yet for me – I’m still wondering about Brune’s tears.

TAGS: bear-stearns, Crying at Work, LinkedIn, Susan Brune

There are small money savings that can be habit forming and profitable.  Take directory assistance for example.  Do you use it?  We all have at some point and know it can be pricey to get that information.

Well, here’s a number worth putting in your mobile phone or on your home phone speed dial:  1-800-GOOG-411.  Instant gratification!  You get free assistance with any phone number you need and the automated operator will even connect you. 

The service has been around for a while – but like all good things – not everyone knows about it.  And all of us could certainly benefit from using it.  If you dial 411 from your mobile phone for telephone directory information, it can cost you $1.49 or more per call (some carriers allow you to get up to three phone listings for that price). 

 1-800-GOOG-411 (which translates to 1-800-466-4411) is a totally free service that’s especially great when you’re on the road.  Let’s say you’re heading to a meeting at an unfamiliar location and – even if you have your GPS guiding you – you don’t have the phone number.  Program 1-800-GOOG-411 into your phone’s speed dial, hit the button, say where and what you’re looking for and GOOG-411 will connect you. 

Did I mention that it’s free?  Yes.  But let me say it again.  These days services that cost you nothing are too good not to know about and use.

 Here’s precisely how it works.  You’ll hear a voice at the other end saying:  “City and State?”  You respond.  The voice then says:  “Business, name or type of service?”  You respond.  The voice on the other end says:  “Connecting” and the location you requested answers the phone.  That’s it.  It’s nationwide and – did I already say it’s free! 

You don’t need a computer, an Internet connection or even the keypad on your phone or mobile device to use GOOG-411 because it’s voice activated.  So you can access it from any phone – mobile or landline – in any location at any time.  All for – free.  And if you’re calling from a mobile device GOOG-411 can even send you a text message with more details and a map.  Simply say “text message” or “map it”. 

Just a reminder – you should not use GOOG-411 if you need emergency help since the service isn’t able to provide your location information to emergency providers.  As always, if you have an emergency, dial 9-1-1. 

Here’s to your health and wealth

TAGS: directory assistance, Free information, GOOGLE 411