A reader writes:

I am a woman working with a big male-dominated team (30+ members) in an IT company. Only four in the entire team are women. The male colleagues often hang out together, have Friday parties and often short picnics. When any new male member joins the team, he is invited to the parties immediately. Once, a female colleague tried joining them, but she was immensely discouraged.

I understand that they discuss team politics and issues in these parties, and often make comments about the female colleagues. Often, they share their opinions about others in the team and “office news” too. This leads to a huge informal information flow between the males from which the females have been kept out.

This has led to a situation where I and my female colleagues are feeling quite left out. The male colleagues feel like they are buddies, and I am fairly sure their interaction is influencing some important decisions within the team on work sharing, appraisals and promotions.

I would like to hear your advice on how to deal with such a situation.

You sound frustrated and I can certainly empathize. The men in your office certainly do seem to be excluding women from their informal gatherings and, if that is the case, it is insensitive at best and potentially illegal at worst.  So, what to do?

Because I don’t know enough about the company culture, the personalities or the history about how and why this situation evolved, I can offer only some general advice:

1. Don’t over-exaggerate the value of these “boys’ nights”. They may be a lot less worth attending than they seem and it’s hard to know what really goes on since you’re not there. The true impact may only be a hang-over.
2. It’s hard to be comfortable in a group when you know you’re not wanted so don’t push too hard to be invited to the informal gatherings the guys organize. Imagine how you and the women with whom you work will feel even if you do get invited ─ just because you are in the room doesn’t mean you’ll be welcome. Nor does it mean that your male colleagues will share information with you. In fact, trying to push your way in (even if you were successful somehow, which is highly unlikely) could result in increased tension.
3. For the reason explained in #2, a sincere invitation is the only one worth anything. If you are convinced that you and the women with whom you work are missing out on important information, how can you wrangle a sincere invitation? Is there one man who is the leader, either officially or unofficially? If so, perhaps you or one of your female colleagues who has a good relationship with him could have a conversation with him about the situation to better understand what’s going on, why and what to do about it. Perhaps other women can also reach out to other men they think they can influence.
4. If you are convinced you will be retired before you receive a sincere invitation to “boys’ night”, why not organize your own gathering but invite your male colleagues? Be sure to approach your male colleagues as individuals, leaning on existing relationships to improve the chances that they’ll attend.
5. I’m not sure how their interaction is influencing appraisals and promotions unless management is also attending these gatherings; in that case, you and your female colleagues may want to have a conversation with the boss to apprise him of your collective concerns. If things continue as they are after that conversation, you may want to alert your HR department.

Readers, any other ideas?

TAGS: excluded, inclusion, LinkedIn, tough situation