The bittersweet truth about this season is that it can bring much joy and many warm memories, but for many women it also brings stress, anxiety, guilt, and ghosts of holidays past.  A client in her twenties told me that she hated going “home” for the holidays because, as an unmarried member of the family, she was still treated as “less than” her married siblings with children.  One manifestation of this was her being expected to sit at the “children’s table” because there were too many people for the dining room table. 

Regardless of the time of year, remember that you cannot control what others say or do but you are in control of your response to it.  Here are some tips for setting boundaries and finding your voice in sticky family situations:

• Embrace your adult woman.  Tell yourself that you are no longer a child but rather an adult woman — then respond like one.  If you go along for sake of getting along nothing will change.  Mentally moving from the child to the adult is the first step in being able to set appropriate boundaries. 
• Expect resistance.  Just because you’re ready to change the status quo in your family doesn’t mean they will understand the shift in your behavior.  If you’ve always been accommodating others may interpret new behavior as temporary or you just being overly sensitive.  View resistance from others as a normal reaction to change but stick with your gameplan.  Eventually it will become the new “norm.”
•  Find your voice.  Rather than tolerating what you consider inappropriate behavior from others until you blow up, think about what you would like to say next time it happens and rehearse the message until you can say it in a neutral way.  In the case of my client, we had her practice saying “I think it’s time for me to be seated with the other adults.  Let’s squeeze in another place setting at the dining room table.” 
• Suggest alternatives.  Although I’m a big believer in honoring traditions, there may come a time in your life when they no longer suit your life situation.  Perhaps everyone always went to your sister’s home for Christmas Eve but now that you have children of your own you want to spend it in your own home.  Or maybe you’re single and want to go away for a ski trip with friends.  Well before-hand suggest that your parents and siblings celebrate the holidays the Sunday before Christmas.  Again, if you encounter resistance, be prepared to say what you plan to do and encourage others to come up with a compromise that will suit everyone’s needs — including yours.  It might sound like this, “Now that I have a family of my own I’d really like to spend Christmas Eve in our own home.  But it’s also important that we continue to celebrate together so how can we do that in a way that will be fun for us all?”
• Be prepared for backlash.  Depending on the level of functionality (or dysfunctionality) in your family of origin, you may encounter not only resistance but backlash in the form of silence, anger, or shunning.  When this happens, understand that those who engage in such behaviors don’t have your best interests at heart, but rather their own.  If getting your needs met means others will treat you inappropriately, so be it.  Don’t respond in kind — simply continue to be yourself and ask for help in coming to an agreement suitable to all.  Don’t be “guilted” in giving up what’s important to you. You’ll only become resentful in the long-run.
• Set boundaries and parameters and stick to them.  If a holiday event is always made unpleasant by Uncle George who drinks too much or Aunt Hazel who is overly critical of you or your children, extricate yourself  from the situation.  If possible, pick up and leave saying it’s time for you to head out.  Otherwise, leave the room and find a place that feels more emotionally safe.  Here too it’s about you taking responsibility for your response and not trying to control others. 
• Plan for the obvious.  Let’s say you have always spent a week at your parent’s home in Florida — at the holidays or some other time during the year — and you’re always miserable after three days.  You know that a week is too long so plan for a long week-end.  Regardless of the situation, think ahead and make plans that suit your needs while still meeting your inevitable responsibilities. 

 From my home to yours, wishing you a holiday that is meaningful and memorable in ways that are important to you.

TAGS: setting boundaries; holiday stress;