I just wrote a comment (below) in response to Carol’s important post.  Salary inequity is a problem that can haunt you your entire career — especially if you believe others will consider you a “loose canon” if you try to rectify it.  There are few things that can’t be explored and even challenged at work if you do so in politically astute ways.  I wrote The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics to help people with that part.  If you’re petulant or constantly perturbed instead of observant and astute, it’s difficult to change anything.  Carol is absolutely right about finding ways to learn where your salary stands and raises too.  You have to know your worth and assert it.  Otherwise other people take advantage — one of those human nature things!

TAGS: Communication Skills, Pay Disparity, Political skills, salary

I just finished (hopefully) four days of my fifteen-year-old daughter battling a nasty stomach virus. She’s looking much better today. But it was stressful and little sleep was had.

It reminded me of the many years when she and her brothers were ill and my mother was in and out of emergency rooms while I was trying to do a great job at work and later be promoted to levels women had not reached. Keeping a career going strong under those circumstances is an extraordinary challenge. Even with a husband like mine who has been very involved when the children have been ill and there for me and I for him when things have gotten difficult, meeting family and work demands remains a major challenge for most women.

If you’ve been listening to Senator Obama talk about women’s pay being significantly lower than that of men and his references to Michelle Obama carrying the lion’s share of taking care of their children, you can’t help but wonder why so little has changed since books like The Second Shift were published. Betty Friedan used to tell me that we were in the “second stage”, the title of one of her books, that men were becoming more involved and women were making progress along side of their male counterparts. And certainly to some extent that was and is true.

But I frequently hear from women (young ones too) discovering that they are being paid less than men doing the same jobs. There are those who argue that this is not an issue for government. And I understand that it surely isn’t totally that. Women need to learn to be vigilent about where they stand in terms of salary — before they take a job. And when they haven’t done that, they need to find out where they stand in relation to men doing the same job and find ways within their organization to remedy that inequity. So, in other words, part of the challenge falls to individual women — to all of us. It falls to men to consider such inequity wrong and to do what they can do to alter the situation whether they are managers or colleagues of women underpaid, undervalued or underutilized.

That having been said, it behooves all women to pay attention to what is going on around them. A friend of mine told me last week that her daughter was being offered a consulting job. They didn’t want to pay her what she was worth and the going rate. Her father and mother advised her to walk away. And she did. Too many talented women are talked into less than they deserve. Sometimes that’s required — for a short period of time. When it becomes a habit, women as individuals and as a group lose ground. We inadvertently teach younger women and daughters that it’s fine to accept being undervalued.

We need to keep our eyes wide open, vote for candidates who are serious about improving women’s pay and lessening workplace discrimination. We should expect much from senators and congresspeople in this regard and write to them and/or not vote for them when they fail us. And we should make sure women are not penalized for having children, doing the right thing in terms of being with them when they’re ill, and caring for parents who are ill. We should nudge and even push organizations to be flexible in such times as they are rarely long-term.

In our own relationships, we need to be negotiators of shared responsibility. Individual women should look at their lives, look at the loads they carry, and when they have partners negotiate responsibilities with them. It’s easy to believe that you’re the only one who can feed the baby properly, load the dishwasher the “right way,” soothe an ailing child, work with children on homework, etc. We hurt ourselves this way. And the first step in getting organizations and government to do what is right by women is to do what is right for ourselves. It’s a multi-pronged endeavor.

TAGS: Equal pay, family expectations, family leave, government involvement in pay equity, negotiating pay, overworked

Why is it that so many Americans have a difficult time with smart, strong, and sometimes angry, Black women?   Has it ever occurred to them that Black women have good reason to be angry?  Comments like this one made by Ms. Obama, “For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country,” shouldn’t be feared or reviled but welcomed because they express what many others are thinking but are afraid to say.  Black women are more likely to be single Moms, live in poverty, and have a more difficult time getting their “corner offices” (forget about them getting the Oval Office for a while) than their White counterparts.  That alone would be enough to make me angry. 

As an executive coach I’ve seen first-hand the struggle Black women have in the workplace.  If they dare to express themselves in clear, no uncertain terms they’re labeled as “problem employees.”  Co-workers and management don’t quite know what to do with them.  But they’re not the problem, a society that wants all women — especially Black ones — to stay in their places with smiles on their faces is the problem.  Black women walk The Thin Pink Line every day — and more so than the rest of us. 

I guarantee you that Obama’s handlers, wanting to get their man elected, are going to expect Michelle to dumb down, quiet down, and settle down.  Laura Bush and Barbara Bush did.  Nancy Reagan exerted herself in stereotypically feminine ways that were acceptable.  And poor Pat Nixon just shrank into herself.  Even Hillary made herself scarce after the healthcare debacle.  Michelle scares people — and we need scaring.  Social change isn’t created by the meek but by the bold.  By those who have the courage to take risks and speak their minds.  Michelle’s voice will help not only Black women, but all Americans whose voices have been quieted by small minds with big mouths.  Whether or not you’re an Obama fan you should be encouraging Mrs. O to remain true to her beliefs and her values.  She’s out there widening the playing field for all of us. 

TAGS: Barbara Bush, Black women, Laura Bush, Michelle Obama, Nancy Reagan, Pat Nixon, women and anger

Greetings to all of the new Thin Pink Line subscribers from Australia!  I’ve just returned from 12 days ”down under” speaking with 1200+ women in Sydney, Canberra, the Gold Coast, Darwin, and Cairnes.  My trip was hosted by the Australia Institute of Management (AIM), a top notch organization devoted to providing professionals with training, ideas, publications, research, and assistance to help them achieve their career and leadership goals.  Not surprisingly, our Aussie sisters share the same concerns as their U.S. counterparts for wanting to get their “corner offices” with less hassle, break the glass ceiling, secure work/life balance, and have their say without fear of being called the dreaded “b-word.”  As Maya Angelou says, “In the end we’re all more the same than we are different, my friends.”

Australians were very interested in what happened to Hillary, especially since their female acting Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, is poised to lead their country in the not too distant future.  Australia is chock filled with other powerful women leaders making a difference in every aspect of society from the arts to securing rights for native aboriginals.

While there I met with the first quarter’s randomly selected winner of the Thin Pink Line’s free coaching session, Dianne Van Berlo (pictured here a bit fuzzy with yours truly).  Dianne at first declined the coaching session, thinking the distance would disqualify her, but you never know where we’ll show up and, as luck would have it, Australia was on the horizon.  We’ll soon be announcing the winner of the second quarter’s free coaching session so stayed tuned and, if you haven’t already, subscribe for daily updates!

TAGS: Aboriginals, AIM, Australia, Australia Acting Prime Minister, Australian Institute of Management, Australian Women, Julia Gillard, Maya Angelou

Carol brought up a very good point (see previous blog comment) — If Hillary’s campaign made 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling, then why is it still intact?  That thing must be miles deep.

Lois described the many ways in which the Clinton campaign and Clinton herself reminded us how to deal with those who would hold women back.

Yet she didn’t win.  She did all those things right and didn’t win.  As Deborah Tannen has written, so much of what she said, did and wore was “marked” — commented upon, ridiculed, taken as indicators of weakness or inconsistency.

What does this teach us?  Does it really tell our daughters that they can be whatever they want to be?

Many women (not just Democrats) feel that something very unseemly and uncivil has taken place.  Many young women have been inspired by Clinton, but hopefully made more wary as they pursue their careers.  They should be wondering if some of what women before them accomplished at great sacrifice is being undone?

We do indeed walk a thin pink line in any job and we’ve seen that there are a vast number of people who want to keep it that way — not just in the media.  In this sense, we’ve been shaken hard — reawakened to snakes in the grass we considered harmless.

Hillary Clinton showed us how to fight back, those who despised her for her gender showed us that they are very much still around.

TAGS: Feminism, gender and leadership, Hillary Clinton, sexism, the thin pink line

A good many women across the country are feeling somewhat confounded about the end of Hillary Clinton’s run. She made mistakes, as did every candidate. But those who argue that sexism had nothing to do with the result are blind or deluding themselves. Eighteen million cracks in the glass ceiling, as Clinton described the outcome, was certainly progress. But for those of us who grew up thinking much of the work of equality in respect and regard had been achieved, it was a rude awakening. Certainly sexism is not the only reason why Hillary Clinton did not achieve the nomination, but it played a significant role - especially in the media. We’ll see how this plays out, but she has shown us what strength women have. And she has put us back on our toes, perhaps watching our backs a bit more again, and realizing that some forms of bias die hard.

TAGS: democratic nomination, equality, Hillary Clinton, sexism

I was never a fan of Sex in the City, but based on box office revenues this past week-end a lot of women are.  Apparently Lauren Hutton is not one of them.  The morning DJ on my local oldies radio station, KRTH, said Hutton “lost it” on the Today Show so I decided to find out what that was all about. You can watch the segment by clicking here and decide for yourself.  Personally, I think she has strong feelings but wouldn’t say she lost it.  It’s a little like saying Hillary had a melt down in New Hampshire.  Why is it when a woman expresses strong feelings men can’t handle it?  If you really listen to Hutton, there are kernels of truth in what she says.  Is Sex and the City a realistic representation of women’s lives in 2008?  Is it purely entertainment?  Is it encouragement to women who are 40 + ? Or, as Hutton suggests, is it a manifestation of how men view women?  It’s your call. 

TAGS: Lauren Hutton, Sex in the City, The Today Show, women and anger

Apropos to Carol’s blog earlier this month about letting go of toxic or unproductive relationships, the other day I asked a good friend for advice on how to handle a relationship with someone who had ignored me and my calls for years (nearly four years to be exact) and now wanted to pick it up as if nothing had ever happened.  I knew I didn’t want to renew the relationship, but wasn’t sure how much I should explain about my feelings related to what transpired in the intervening years rather than just make myself unavailable next time she called.  My friend looked at me and said, “Lois, explaining your feelings would be like casting pearls before swine.”

I had heard that phrase before but never knew what it really meant.  So I did a little digging and found it’s a biblical term that means offering something of great value to you, to someone who won’t appreciate it.  It hit the nail on the head.  I thought of how often I, like many other women, share what’s of value – time, feelings, thoughts, assistance, etc. — with people who have no appreciation for it.  It’s not that we should hoarde or shouldn’t share our “pearls” but rather that we should differentiate with whom we share them and with whom it would just be valuable resources wasted.  As it is, most of us have so little time to call our own, if we’re going to go out of our way it should at least make a difference or be appreciated (even if it’s silently appreciated — I’m not suggesting we need kudos for everything we do).  As for sharing my feelings with the former friend — next time she contacts me I think I’ll just say, “I don’t have time to get together, but I do wish you well.” 

TAGS: casting pearls before swine, differentiating relationships, Friendships, letting go of relationships

While Hillary Clinton has received praise from people for her willingness to fight and not give up, it’s hard not to wonder whether people are looking at how acceptable it has become to insult women in the press. Surely there will be spillover to the workplace if people who serve as "senior analysts" for once reputable stations like CNN continue refer to Clinton in vile, derogatory ways. I’m not going to write something long about this. It’s just worth wondering whether women will find themselves dealing with more sexism.  After all, that’s what went on in election process in the mainstream media. If it does increase at work, it will be difficult for women to call upon the efforts of feminists to support them as in many quarters they’ve been dismissed as humming an old tune — not in touch with the times — still holding on to grudges when their issues no longer exist. Will we wake up soon and see that indeed people in our culture have become comfortable with patronizing, dismissing, and insulting women because of their gender? I hope not. But watching what has been going on, it’s hard not to think it could indeed happen — especially if women are not paying sufficient attention because they’d rather think those days are over or if they let insults pass to avoid appearing oversensitive. More productive, as always, is nipping put-downs in the bud with a well-turned phrase such as "Maybe you’d like to rephrase that."

TAGS: Hillary Clinton, media bias, sexism, Women at Work

When Senator George McGovern decided to cease supporting Hillary Clinton yesterday, that must have hurt her. Of course, she’s a street fighter, and no doubt she has gotten past it as she has other defections from her side. That is one of the impressive things about her. You can see the pain on her face sometimes, but she gets through it and a day or so later she is looking relaxed and rising to the challenge again. Few things bother an opponent more than that skill.

How does she do it? Where does such strength come from?

I’ve been reading a book, The Female Brain, in which Dr. Louann Brizendine, neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, explains that women have superior brain wiring for communication and emotional tones — even as infants. We see more relational subtlety. She argues, as do other researchers, that women and men have different brain sensitivities to stress and conflict. We could argue this for a lifetime, but there is a general perception that women have greater difficulty rebounding from disappointments in close relationships at work.

InThe Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics, though, I’ve written about women becoming “street fighters” and how important that capacity is to moving upward at work. So how do we go from being ultra-sensitive to being able to take a slam at work and get up again tomorrow ready to move on?

It takes a lot of learning the hard way, but here are a few important components: learning from watching others, including men, experience deep disappointment yet successfully move on, thinking about how someone you admire would handle it, getting some mentoring from street fighters, learning some defensive and offensive techniques, and learning how to read between the lines so you can anticipate such negative events before they even happen.

This is a tall order. If handling disappointment at work is one of the more difficult challenges you face, you could consider asking people about their worst disappointment, how they initially thought about it, who they went to for guidance, what they ultimately did and why it worked or didn’t.

Then you have to begin getting past small disappointments (that may seem large at first) so you can prepare yourself for bigger ones. No one escapes pain at work, but you can become better at putting it into perspective. As one T.V. commentator said of politics recently, “If you want a friend, get a dog.” While I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s impossible to make friends at work, it’s wise to know that work usually isn’t the place to look for your best ones.

TAGS: handling disappointment, Hillary Clinton, politics at work, street fighters