This past Sunday I went to a going away party for my fitness trainer and her new husband, Jack.  I’m not much of a party girl to begin with, but this was painful!  When we arrived I immediately introduced myself to Jack and asked him how he was enjoying married life.  “It’s good,” he said.  Then silence.  So, I added that I was certain everyone was telling him he married a great woman.  “Oh, yeah,” he smiled.  Then silence. 

I’m either at the age or the stage in life where if two bites at the apple don’t yield the desired results, I’m done.  It’s not my responsibility to carry an entire conversation on my own.  So I walked outside to the patio to take in the view of the hills of South Pasadena and there I found John, also enjoying the view.  I introduced myself to him and commented on what a beautiful day it was and what a great view it was. “When there’s no smog, yeah,” John said somewhat dourly.  Oy.  Another bore.

We were then joined by John’s wife and introductions let us know that we both are clients of the new bride. Finally, someone I have something in common with, I thought.  Well, she began talking about her workout sessions, how she bicycles 40 miles each week-end, what she’s going to do when the trainer leaves, and on and on and on.  I’m a good listener, but after a while, if someone doesn’t ask me one question or even take a breath so I can say something, I’m done. 

The entire time I spent at the party went pretty much the same.  Either people didn’t know how to string together a complete sentence or didn’t know when to shut up and listen.  After 90 minutes I was completely done and left, thinking that there wasn’t one person I would care to get to know better.  Social skills are a critical ingredient to success in any endeavor.  Whether you’re at a party, a business meeting, or anywhere in between, people will judge you by your ability to interact appropriately in social situations.

Let me do you a party favor and give you some tips for how to work a room in a way that makes you interesting and memorable in the most positive way:

1. Be upbeat and positive.  Even on your worst day, you can find something positive to say or respond positively to what others say.  When John commented on the smog when I had just remarked what a lovely day it was it told me all I wanted to know about him.  No one likes a cynic. 
2. Be prepared to talk about current events.  This means read magazines and newspapers regularly so that you’re on top of what’s happening in the world and speak to something other than you and your own personal experiences.
3. Create a mental list of questions to ask others.  Without being intrusive, you can ask what someone does for a living, how they’ve been enjoying the summer (or any other season), if they’ve seen a movie that’s just come out, etc.  Having these questions at hand prepares you to engage in conversation even if you’re the shy type.
4. Find areas of common interest and engage in dialogue, not monologue.  It’s fine to talk about an exciting trip you’ve just taken, but ask others about any trips they’ve taken recently as well.  Or, if you know someone has children the same age as yours ask how they’re doing.  If the other person isn’t speaking about the same amount of time as you are, something is wrong.  Although it’s not your responsibility to get them to talk, it is your responsibility to allow them to do so.
5. Engage in active listening.  This means ask people about what they’re saying to get a deeper understanding of the topic.  For example, if someone talks about their work, ask what made them get into that particular field. 
6. Open the kimono a little.  Let people know who you are.  Share something of a personal nature that is memorable without being too revealing.  Perhaps you’re excited about a book you just finished reading or a new job your about to start.  It gives others more than just a face and name to remember. 
7. Graciously exit boring conversations.  You can always say, “It’s been nice speaking with you.  Will you excuse me?  I see someone I haven’t spoken with in a while and would like to say hello before he leaves.” 

TAGS: Conversation Starters, Emotional intelligence, Party Conversation, Social Skills, Women and Emotional Intelligence

Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently,  John C. Maxwell’s latest book, caught my attention.  As the title suggests,  it isn’t just talent that enables some people to sail effortlessly through their careers, but rather the ability to connect on a meaningful level with others.   He offers the following as signs that you’ve connected:

• People go the extra mile for you.
• They say positive things about you.
• They show that they trust you — often through more open communications.
• They accept you without reservation.

I’ve met people who are great communicators but not great connectors — and vice versa.  I know when I haven’t connected with someone (or someone hasn’t connected with me) because I leave the encounter feeling empty instead of fulfilled or satisfied.  Your goal should be to do both well.  Taking the time to really connect with others is well worth the effort because it pays off in the form of gaining cooperation, the ability to influence, access to information or contacts, and a sense of emotional well-being.  Practice these three simple coaching tips and you’ll be well on your way to connecting:

1. Make your communications all about the other person.  Dale Carnegie once said that you make more friends by listening than by talking . Listening, and hearing what others say and don’t say, is an art you can acquire through practice.  Have two or three stock questions with follow-ups that you ask of anyone you encounter such as,  ”What part of town do you live in?”  “How long have you lived there?”  “What made you choose this neighborhood?”  “Is it compatible with your business and outside interests?”   
2. Go to every meeting, visit, or encounter with something modest to give to the other person.  It can be an article that you read that you think the other person will find interesting or even an idea you heard on the radio that you want to gain input into from the other person’s unique perspective.  When you’ve finished reading a book, give it to someone you know will appreciate it.  Even on a small scale such as this, giving enables you to connect. 
3. Follow-up encounters with a short e-mail about what you took away or thought about.  It allows others to know that they were really heard and understood.  And if you promised to do something, be certain to do it.  Dropping the ball conveys the message that the other person’s needs aren’t really all that important to you. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Communication Skills, John C. Maxwell

I recently received a letter from a woman asking for advice about how to handle this situation: 

“I am a CPA with tax experience. I worked in public accounting for a while, but I want to make the transition into private industry. However, I have not seen a lot of opportunities, especially in private industry, so I took a temp job in the tax department at a large company.  I was supposed to work for 6 weeks, but they extended my contract for 4 more weeks and then more.  When I started at this company, I wanted to get to know people, but I felt like they did not want to. In fact, all the guys who hold high positions like the managers and director delegate any tasks for me to the one female accountant in the department and then she delegates to me. I understand that I am only a temp, but I am a professional and I do not understand their behaviors. I am not invited to any of their gatherings like birthday cakes, happy hours or their lunches. When they introduce new employees, I am skipped.  It feels very awkward some times when all people are celebrating and socializing while I am working in my cubicle and hearing everything. I know is all business and I try not to take it personally. But, it is hard. I am still looking for a job in the hope that I will be able to leave this company.”

Here’s my response:

Personally, I think it’s disgraceful how your co-workers are treating you.  Although it would be easy to blame it on being a temp, I think it’s more a function of the corporate culture.  When temps are on board as long as you’ve been working with this group, they’re typically treated like one of the gang.  And before any lawyers out there comment about the need to make certain temps do not get the same treatment as regular full-time staff for legal reasons, I don’t think including a temp in a birthday celebration or introducing her to new employees could be construed as crossing the line. 

I did a little research on your company [which the writer asked to remain anonymous] and it turns out there’s plenty on the internet that indicates employees are unhappy, demoralized, feel there are unaddressed racial issues, and that management is focused exclusively on the bottom-line.  Given the nature of the work, I can only imagine it’s a pretty macho environment on top of that.  Once again, your treatment probably has less to do with the fact that you’re a temp than you’re a woman. 

So… what do I recommend?  It’s time to vote with your feet, my dear.  Even if they did offer you full-time employment I think you’d be crazy to take it.  No one deserves to be treated like a second-class citizen and if that’s what’s happening, you’ve got to leave before your dignity is totally demolished.  With that said, it is a tough job market, so don’t quit before you’ve secured alternative employment.  Here are a few suggestions to consider:

1. Go back to the agency that placed you and ask for another placement.  Don’t gripe about your treatment where you are,  simply suggest your skills are being underutilized and you want to remain current in your field.
2. If you don’t already belong to a professional association for CPAs/accountants, join and attend meetings.  It’s through networking that you find the hidden job market — those jobs that are never advertised because word-of-mouth brings in good candidates.
3. Identify 10 companies that you’d like to work for, start researching them, and find people you know who work at them.  It’s always easier to get your resume noticed if someone on the inside brings it to the attention of management.  Smart companies even give bonuses to employees who refer candidates who are ultimately hired.  Take into consideration the corporate culture vis-a-vis the work environment in which you would best perform.  If I found the negative comments from employees on the internet about your current company, you can do the same.  Of course you have to take them with a grain of salt — there will always be people who are disgruntled no matter how good the management and culture.
4. Remember that finding a new job (a) is a job and (b) is a numbers game.  You have to approach it with the same systemmatic logic you apply to your work as a CPA, be persistent, and get your resume into the hands of the hiring sources.  In a good market there’s something called the “Rule of 21″ – for every 21 resumes you sent out you’ll get one response.  In this market it’s exponentially more. 
5. Be laser clear about what you want: salary, benefits, location, job duties, etc.  The clearer you are, the more likely you are to get it. 

Good luck!

TAGS: job change, taking charge of your career, temping, visioning your future

I hate playing the “let’s get together” game with people who have no intention of getting together any time soon — or at all for that matter.  You know these people.  They probably make you crazy too.  Here are some of their tricks:

• Express an interest in getting together and then wait for YOU to go through your calendar and provide dates and times.  Then when you do, they respond they’re not available during those timeframes and ask you to send several more. 
• Leave you a voicemail at a time when they know you won’t be there and they’re driving in the car asking when you can get together.  C’mon.  How serious can you be about getting together? 
• Ask you to meet on a particular day and when you suggest a time and place you learn they only have a one hour window.  Why didn’t they say this to begin with? 
• Indicate in an e-mail they hope you can get together soon, but offer nothing more specific than that. 

Last week I received e-mails from two different people, each of whom wanted to meet with me.  The first one provided me with dates and times she was available and asked if these didn’t mesh with my schedule to send her a few alternatives from which she could choose.  As luck would have it, one of the dates did work and within minutes the appointment was scheduled.  The other person asked me to provide some alternatives, which I did, but by the time she responded two days later those times were already filled.  So we had to start all over again. 

Here are Frankel’s rules for scheduling meetings, dinners, movies, or any other get-together with colleagues, clients, friends, or family:

1.  If you’re the one suggesting getting together, then provide specific dates and times from which the person can choose.  Don’t expect the other person to do the initial leg work. 

2.  If you don’t really want to get together, don’t say that you do then ignore the other person’s attempts to schedule something with you.

3.  If someone you don’t want to get together with reaches out to you, let them know that you’re just swamped and will follow-up when things slow down (which, of course, they never will).  You might have to do this a few times with the most dense people on your acquaintance list. 

4.  Promptly respond to dates offered.  We’re all busy and a time slot that that is offered at 10:00 a.m. may not still be available at 1:00 p.m. 

5.  If after two round-trip e-mails you still haven’t come up with a common time to get together, revert to the old fashioned way of communicating: pick up the phone and speak human-to-human.

Women have always known, if only on an intuitive level, that competing to win, not just to improve your skills or raise your own bar, often carries with it negative consequences.   Now, new research suggests your intuition is (once again) correct.  A study of twelth-graders reveals that for girls, “competing to win was linked to higher levels of depression and loneliness and to fewer and less close friendships” than for for boys.  Competing to “surpass personal goals,” on the other hand, contributes to high self-esteem for both boys and girls. 

It’s no wonder, then, that by the time we reach the workplace, we are hesitant to engage in activities that would put us on a track ahead of our colleagues, in positions of authority and influence, or in other ways set us apart from our peers.   As the authors of the study conclude, “… if one is talking about competing to win or show dominance over others, then females seem to pay a socio-economic price.”

Does this suggest you shouldn’t compete to win?  I don’t think so.  The study doesn’t address other factors such as how the girls competed (did they go for the jugular?), the personalities of the girls (were they prone to depression before?), and existing social skills (did they have a large and close circle of friends before they competed?).   Another factor is that the study was conducted in a high school in Dallas, Texas and I wonder if the same study was conducted in New York if the results would be the same.  Regional differences do matter. 

Playing to win looks different for women than it does for men, but it’s achievable.  How can you compete to win, avoid depression, and keep your friends?  Here are a few tips:

1.  Be inclusive.   Don’t be so singular-minded as to forget to ask for others opinions and publicly recognize their contributions.  It doesn’t detract from your desire to win, but it does mitigate the sting in your interpersonal connections.

2.  Identify the real competition.  In the workplace, you’re not competing against the person in the cubicle next to you — you’re competing against the company down the street.  Competing from this vantage point allows you to maintain good relationships with your colleagues and put your energy into finding ways to elevate your company in the eyes of its customers or clients.  Do this and your management will see you as a winner and a team player.

3.  Bring others along with you.  When you’re riding high, remember to provide others with the information, skills, or connections they need to become just as successful as you.  Competitive women often forget to do this, playing out the Queen Bee Syndrome — there’s only room for one Queen in the hive.  It’s no wonder they lose friends. 

4.  Conduct periodic reality checks.   It’s not enough to win once – you want to remain a winner.  Avoid “one and done” syndrome by asking for feedback, observing others body language when they  interact with you, and adjusting your behavior accordingly.  You don’t have to take sour grapes to heart, but you do have to ensure you’re not leaving bodies in your wake.  They don’t form a particularly sound foundation. 

5.  Live your values.  They form the core of who you are and will (unless you’re Amanda Priestly – Meryl Streep – in the Devil Wears Prada) help you to maintain your equilibrium in the face of stiff competition.  Depression can stem from living someone else’s values rather than your own.  Who wouldn’t be depressed by fiercely competing for something that’s not consistent with their values?

3.

TAGS: Women and competition

Is anyone else besides me sick of all the talk about men suddenly becoming an “endangered species” (as Hanna Rosin put it writing for The Atlantic).  Give me a break.  Yes, it’s true that a man’s muscle isn’t nearly as valuable today as it was when he was hunting food for dinner.  Yes, it’s also true that women outperform men on four of the five scales that contribute to emotional intelligence  — the sine qua non for business success.  And of course there are the statistics about more women graduating from college than men, more women entering the workforce than ever before, and more men losing jobs in the current economy than  women.  So what?  It’s a little like saying you used to be the best at using a dictation machine but changing times required you to learn to master a computer.  You do what you gotta do. 

If men are getting the short end of the stick lately it’s only because they’ve rested on their laurels, believed that they would always reap the benefits of entitlement, and didn’t change with the times.  Seems like women have become the early adopters — and now we’re supposed to feel sorry for men?  If anything, women are barely inching toward parity.  Let’s not kid ourselves.  From corporate America to government, institutions of higher learning, and the Catholic Church — men are still in charge.  When women comprise 90% of the top spots in Fortune 500 companies, when they make up the majority of people sitting on the Supreme Court, when women are elected as the President and Vice President of the United States during the  same election, when 35 of Forbes top 50 colleges now headed by men are headed by women, and when you can only receive communion from a woman – I’ll start worrying about guys getting the short end of the stick.

TAGS: discrimination against men, Hanna Rosin, men as an endangered species, progress for women, The Atlantic

As of last week, courtesy of Sarah Palin, before “refute” and “repudiate”, there’s now a new word in the dictionary— “refudiate”. Palin used”refudiate” in a tweet, clearly an error since her original post has since been corrected. What I found interesting what not the fact that Palin made a mistake (she’s done that before) but the way she handled it. When called on her error, she didn’t apologize. Instead, she tweeted in response:

“Refudiate,” “misunderestimate,” “wee-wee’d up.” English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!”

Instead of an “oops, my bad”, Palin’s response implied she found the English language inadequate to express her thoughts, so like Shakespeare, had to create a new word. Read that as, “What mistake? I didn’t make a mistake.” And, just in case we didn’t buy the argument that current language constrained her, Palin’s Plan B was to remind us that even Presidents make word gaffes every now and again (some more often than others).

My first reaction was to think Palin should have quickly admitted she’d made a mistake and then moved on. But, on second thought, perhaps she did the right thing. Perhaps her “deny and distract” strategy is something women should consider more often since career success is not always enhanced by saying, “I’m sorry”.

A recent Time Magazine article noted that research shows women apologize more than men do at work. Deborah Tannen‘s cites studies reaching the same conclusion in Talking From 9 to 5.
Clearly, there are some times when you should admit an error but it’s useful to not to do so as a default behavior. Some guidelines to consider:

• Avoid “ritual” apologies. Tannen points out that women sometimes say, “I’m sorry” as a component of conversation rather than an acceptance of blame. Women sometimes say they’re sorry for things outside their control, for example, “I’m sorry it’s such a miserably hot day.” Ritual apologies can have the effect of putting you in a one-down position in the conversation. Why go there just because it’s a habit?

• Pay attention to the culture in which you’re working and the preferences of those with whom you work. Politicians are notoriously reluctant to admit their transgressions, large or small, no matter how obvious. But you may be working in a company or for a boss that expects people to own up to their quickly admit mistakes — ignoring those cues is dangerous to your career health.

• Distinguish between situations where you’ve done more harm than simply mangling language. If you’ve made a serious mistake or hurt someone, there is no question that you should make sincere amends quickly.

Readers, what do you think? Have you been too apologetic? Have you seen other women fall into this trap?

TAGS: apologizing too much, LinkedIn

My friend and colleague, John Gregory, was teaching a short non-credit summer class at Pasadena City College on the history of rock songs based on his book  Making Music.  I thought it would be fun to attend and would also show support for him.  It was fun — until he put us in small groups and I was assigned to a group with two men,  a recent college grad and a 50-something attorney.  The assignment was to write a song.  No brainer, I thought.  We could collaborate, share ideas and come up with something.  Heck, I wrote a dissertation and I’ve written books to publisher specs – I could surely write a little ditty for no credit.  Boy, was I wrong. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve had to work collaboratively with men who were not either clients, consulting colleagues, family, or friends.  The men with whom I interact are professional, do what they say they will, communicate well, and pull their weight.  The classroom experience reminded me of why I left corporate America.  It was painful.  Those of you who work inside organizations and have to go through this every day have my sincere sympathy.  These two guys were probably a lot more like your co-workers than the executives and colleagues I’ve been working with for the past two decades. 

The first night we were put together I facilitated the discussion of how we might go about the assignment.  That was like pulling teeth.  They each had their own ideas, but didn’t listen to each other’s, nor did they even inquire about mine.  We weren’t making much progress but I wasn’t conducting a team building session here — this was supposed to be fun.  At the end of the evening we agreed we would each write one verse for “homework” and discuss what we came up with.  When we gathered in our small groups the next Wednesday I pulled out my homework and asked how they did with theirs.  They hadn’t done it.  So I decided to just keep quiet and let them come up with Plan B.  And you know what?  There was silence.  Neither guy said a word.  Finally the attorney suggested the other guy and I write and he would let us know if he liked it or not.  I laughed out loud and told him that’s not how a collaboration works.  He seemed genuinely surprised by my resistance to his brilliant idea. 

It would have been fairly easy for me to get these guys back on track.  It’s what I do for a living — help people get unstuck and move forward.  But I resented that they expected me to step in to play this role.  I was angry that they didn’t deliver what they promised.  And I was enraged when John came over to the group, asked who the team leader was, and they both pointed to me.  I wasn’t going for the bait.  If you don’t how to collaborate, I’m not about to teach you during what is supposed to be a fun, leisure time experience for me.  In fact, I decided right in that moment that I wouldn’t be coming back to the last class at all.  It wasn’t fun.  I don’t like having to deal with underperforming people in my free time.  I asked myself if it might have been the same with any two women I was paired with.  I don’t think so.  Women are more likely to “make nice” even if it’s only for the sake of avoiding the discomfort of silence or bad feelings around not doing what they promise. 

Here’s what I took away from the experience and I hope you will too:

1.  Be generous of spirit.  Until you know your generosity will never be reciprocated, isn’t appreciated, or will be taken advantage of — offer it freely.  I’m glad I offered to facilitate our first meeting.  And I’m glad I put the time into doing my “homework” despite the fact that the other two knuckleheads didn’t.  I wouldn’t have done that any differently.  I’m never sorry when I take the high road. 

2.  Don’t be a doormat.  If others don’t carry their fair share of the weight, avoid the inclination to carry it for them.  Get comfortable with silence and learn to bite your tongue rather than offer to do what others should be doing.

3.  Know when to cut your losses.  Sometimes you put a lot of money into digging a dry hole (as in not finding oil).  You keep digging and spend more money hoping you’ll be wrong.  The older I’ve become, the sooner I cut my losses.  If it’s clear that my needs won’t be met no matter how hard I try, I walk away. 

4.  Make your voice heard.  Even though the guys didn’t ask for my ideas during that first brainstorming session, I made sure I expressed them.  Using tonque-in-cheek humor, I said, “Although you haven’t asked, I’m sure you’re dying to know what I’m thinking.”

5.  Speak the truth.  When things don’t go the way everyone involved agreed upon, ask what’s going on.  In my situation, these weren’t relationships — they were people that I would never see again (or at least hope I won’t).  I didn’t owe them more than I gave.  But at work or with your family these are people with whom you are more closely involved.  If they disappoint you, say so.  If they don’t do what they promise, ask why not.  It doesn’t mean you have to be critical, only that you put your concerns on the table in the nicest way possible rather than swallow your feelings. 

So, tell me.  Do these guys remind you of your male co-workers?  Do your co-workers show no interest in what you have to offer but expect you to do the grunt work?  Do they play off your ideas but offer few original ones of their own?  As I said, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a situation like this one and I’m wondering if I forgot how painful it was or if things have actually gotten worse.

TAGS: Mediocrity, men and women in the workplace, Overperforming

Up until recently I didn’t know much about Lady Gaga.  But when I watched her perform on The Today Show I came away saying, “What a brilliant business woman.”  The thing that caught my attention as she started her first set was the song she chose.  It was the Gershwin standard, Someone to Watch Over Me.  At first it seemed an odd choice given that she was surrounded by tens of thousands of screaming fans — most of whom had probably never heard that particular song.  But the effect was to have me actually stop and watch her perform.  It helped me get past the bizarre outfits I’ve seen in the past, an even more bizarre (to me) YouTube video, and what I would describe as an odd affect and really listen to her voice.  

I have no doubt that’s precisely what that choice of song was designed to do.  Lady Gaga wanted to win over people who had preconceived notions about her.  She wanted to get their attention and make them focus on her talent, not just her tactics.  And Lady Gaga’s got talent, that’s for sure.  She’s also an astute businesswoman.   Here are a few things we can all learn from her:

1.  Do the unexpected.  Lady Gaga’s choice of an opening song was so unexpected it got my attention.  What might you do that is unexpected, yet within the realm of acceptability for your corporate culture, that would cause others to pay closer attention to you, your ideas, or your product?

2.  Craft your brand.  We’ve talk so much about this in the past that I’m not going to go into detail here, but Lady Gaga shows us that a clearly defined brand is a memorable brand.  OK, so she looks like a cross between Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, and Elton John.  There’s still no mistaking it’s Lady Gaga. 

3.  Focus on what you do best.  Branding and gimmicks only go so far.  You’ve got to have the goods.  Lady Gaga is a great songwriter, singer, and performer.  What are the two or three things you do best and how can you parlay them into more money, job satisfaction, recognition, or anything else that’s important to you?

4.   Express your gratitude — publicly when possible.  At every opportunity during her appearance on the Today Show Lady Gaga thanked the people who contributed to her success.  She even sent pizza over to the die-hard fans who spent the night on the street waiting for a good spot to watch the concert.   When was the last time you either publicly or privately thanked those who helped you get to where you are?  The best way to ensure continued support is to positively reinforce past support.

5.  Be strategic.  You can bet that everything Lady Gaga does, says, or wears is part of a strategic plan to market her brand.  Clearly, it’s working.  You need to have your own strategic plan in place to achieve your goals.  Being strategic means you think about where you are, where you want to be and how you’re going to get from one place to the other.

TAGS: Lady Gaga, strategic thinking, The Today Show, Thinking Outside the Box

If you feel you can’t ever seem to get your inbox under control, you’re not alone.  But you have good reasons:

• The average business user receives 25 email messages per day; increasing 10% per year

• The average business user spends 2.6 hours per day reading and responding to email

• It takes 77 minutes a week for an employee to manage their mailbox, such as cleaning out old messages and filing old messages or attachments

• It takes 27 minutes for a user to delete or archive enough messages in order to be able to use the e-mail system again after hitting a “quota limit”

• It takes 8.2 minutes for a user to find an email that is older than two weeks

Source: Intermedia.net:

Some reflections:

• Pick a system, any system. Although I am no productivity expert (trust me!), I have implemented a system that works for me – most of the time.  There are many different systems, the key is to select one and then to use it consistently.

• Make your own rules. With your company culture in mind and in keeping with whatever email system you use, set your own standards regarding what is a reasonable time period for responding to messages.

• Just click “delete”. If someone forwards one of those “send this to 10 people or your nose will fall off” emails to you doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Readers, what other suggestions can you offer to keep the email dragon under control?

TAGS: email, LinkedIn, productivity