I had the opportunity to review a new book about women and men in the workplace and I must say it’s one of the best I’ve read in years:  The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace by Shaunti Feldhahn.  The author interviewed men to find out what they think about the women with whom they work and is it an eye-opener.  For example, they see us as “high maintenance” with emotions that interfere with our ability to think logically. 

Before you get defensive, it’s important that you take the time to really consider what men are thinking.  If you work in the typical organization, they’re the ones making decisions about your future.  Of course it isn’t true that all women are emotional and high maintenance, but if that’s the perception, then that’s what you have to deal with.  Perception is reality and the insights provided by Feldhahn are invaluable to women.  I urge you to read it and then ask yourself these questions:

1. In what ways am I difficult to work with or manage?
2. How do I let my emotions eclipse the value I add to my organization?
3. What behaviors can I add to my repertoire that will neutralize negative perceptions?

If you don’t know how others perceive you, then it’s time to have your H.R. department or a qualified coach help you to conduct a 360 degree feedback survey.  It provides the mirror that allows you to see yourself as others see you — and take action to correct what others see as potential career derailers.

TAGS: men and women in the workplace, perceptions of women in the workplace, Shaunti Feldhahn, The Male Factor

I had the pleasure of meeting with Melanie Billings-Yun and a client of hers last week. Melanie’s written a book called Beyond Dealmaking (which I highly recommend) and is an expert on cross cultural negotiations. She’s lived in London, Paris, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Seoul, Indonesia and Singapore and has first hand experience of how tricky it can be to bridge the cultural divide.

Melanie made the point that negotiating success in a global world is all about understanding and respecting people’s both people’s customs and sensibilities. For example, her book includes a story about Choi, a Korean businessman whose meat importing company had been purchasing meat from a single supplier in Texas for many years. The two companies had an excellent, mutually beneficial relationship. Then, in 1997, when the Asian financial crisis hit Korea and the resulting drop in the value of the Korean currency against the dollar, Choi needed an accommodation from his U.S. supplier. He needed to delay acceptance of the merchandise until orders from his customers picked up and his cash flow improved. The supplier refused, responding through a lawyer’s letter that demanded Choi fulfill the contract as written. Shocked and dismayed, Choi consulted with Melanie. She explained that he shouldn’t take the letter personally ─ sometimes companies go into “autopilot” contract compliance mode in situations like this. But Choi did take it personally, particularly because he had welcomed these supplier into his home when they had visited Korea. Melanie helped him to renegotiate the terms of the contract to those he could manage; he fulfilled his obligations but refused to do any further business with the company.

Refusing to make an accommodation for a business partner in a tight spot usually isn’t the smartest thing to do if you want to continue to do business, regardless of the cultural considerations. But, when dealing with someone who holds the perspective that once you’ve been to his home, you’re a friend, adds a whole new layer of expectations.

As the world continues to shrink, do your homework when dealing with people from other countries, regardless of whether they are colleagues or clients. Pay attention to things that can send messages you didn’t intend. For example, in Asian cultures when someone hands you a business card, it is considered rude to put the card away without taking the time to carefully read it first. Asking yourself, “Who knew?” after making a gaffe like this won’t enhance your image!

Readers, what tips can you share with us from your cross-cultural experiences?

TAGS: Books, cross-cultural, global, LinkedIn

I received a letter from Thin Pink Line blogger, Renee, with this question:

I started working for my company five years ago and during this time felt like I made a significant contribution to the organization.  I helped save my department millions of dollars, run more efficiently, and developed systems to reward and motivate employees.  I loved my role.  A new CEO came in 18 months ago and he’s using me very differently.  He is less dynamic, things move very slowly, and employees are disgruntled and leaving.  I stay because I love working for the Deputy CEO and am learning heaps from him, but wonder how I can continue to make a contribution?  I keep thinking things will shift and get moving again. 

Renee is right to stay put for now.  CEO’s come and go but jobs you love are harder to come by.  Most career experts tell you that the best thing to do with a boss (or CEO) that changes the dynamic in your career is to wait him or her out — unless things are so bad that you’re just miserable, in which case changing jobs might be necessary.  We can’t change our management but we can change our response to what’s happening in the workplace.

My friend and colleague, Pamela Mitchell, CEO of the Reinvention Institute  just wrote a new book on career reinvention that I would recommend to anyone in a similar position.  Here are some tips from both Pamela and me for how to increase satisfaction and reinvigorate a career that may be momentarily stalled due to changes in management:

1.   Consider forming a career reinvention board of advisors.  These are people you trust and who you can ask for help with seeing options that may not be immediately clear to you.  They can be people inside your firm or outside, but without complaining ask for their insights about ways to use your unique skills to make a difference that suits your organizational culture. 

2.  Remember that you have two careers.  The first is how you earn your living and the second is to continually develop yourself and your skills.  In Renee’s case it sounds like her Deputy CEO is a good mentor to her.  I would encourage her to ask him for stretch assignments that get her beyond her comfort zone into acquiring new skills that are transportable.  If you’re in a similar situation, consider the tickets you have yet to get punched that will fill out your resume.  If your company offers training programs, sign up!  If not, look to some of the old timers for career advice — we’re always happy to share what we’ve learned during our long careers. 

3.  Offer to mentor newcomers.  Whether you’ve been on the job two years, ten years, or anything in between, you have knowledge that is valuable to those just coming on board.  You might even consider going to H.R. and offering to set up a formal new hire mentoring program to make the path easier for the newbies. 

4.  Remember that it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission.  Nice girls make the mistake of thinking they have to get permission for new initiatives.  We need to take a lesson from successful men who take action first and later feign ignorance if they’re reined in.  Although you can’t get away with it too many times, it could be that you’ll be perceived as a mover and shaker!

5.  Build strong relationships with senior executives.  It could be that the new CEO is hesitant to take action because he doesn’t know Renee well enough to trust her judgment.  Executives are only human and they don’t want to make mistakes that will cost them their jobs either.  Strong relationships with senior management allow them to get to know you, your abilities, and trust that you’ll take the appropriate course of action in the best interest of the company (and them). 

6.  Present challenges and propose solutions.  Renee mentions that turnover has increased with the arrival of the new CEO.  If she has ideas for how to stem the tide of resignations, she should present them in terms of how it will save the company money, increase productivity, and make the company more attractive to new hires.  Of course I don’t recommend that she use his hire date as the turning point!  When presenting solutions to company challenges be sure to lay them out with suggested timelines for implementation — this will increase the likelihood of action being taken sooner than later.  Similarly, be prepared for resistance and overcome it with facts that make your suggested course of action only logical. 

7.  Network, network, network.  When changes in your company make you feel less productive than you have in the past, use the “free” time to enhance your internal and external networks.  Whereas it may be hard to have lunch with a colleague when you’re swamped, a slower period provides the perfect opportunity to get out of your office and meet with people with whom you can enhance relationships.  Join professional organizations and get involved in the running of them.  If it turns out you decide to leave the company because the changes just aren’t your cup of tea, you’ll have a built in set of resources to help you make the transition. 

8.  Get a life.  When we’re busy climbing the career ladder we often neglect our life outside of work.  While you’re waiting to see if things changes in your corporate culture and what moves you might want to make next, take up a hobby, spend more time with friends, do the traveling you’ve been wanting to but didn’t have time for.  When things ramp back up, you won’t be sorry that you invested time in yourself.

TAGS: The 10 Laws of Career Reinvention; reinvigorating your career; working with a new CEO

A long time ago (before email so a very long time ago), I worked with a woman who was a terrific mentor, leader and coach. One of the things she did consistently was to keep track of days when I had an important client meeting and take the time to leave an encouraging voicemail message to let me know she was thinking of me. She’d personalize the message by pointing out specific reasons that she knew I’d be successful. I can tell you those messages made all the difference to me ─ I walked into many tough meetings feeling self-confident and prepared because Jan had left me a message.

I try to do the same for others now. When someone mentions an upcoming date important to them for some reason, I put it on my calendar and set a reminder for the day before. When the time is right, I leave a voicemail or send an email letting them know that I’m thinking about them. I’ve taken Jan’s lesson one step further and applied it to family and friends as well as colleagues. But as I write that I realize she probably did that too!

More recently, a woman with whom I’m working in a mentoring program for college seniors mentioned that she noted the date her mentee was taking the LSAT and sent him an email the night before to wish him well.  The other mentors thought that was a terrific idea and now it’s been incorporated into the program as a best practice.

Something easy to do that means a lot. Who’d appreciate knowing you are rooting for them?

TAGS: Coaching, encouraging others, friendship, LinkedIn, mentoring

Now this one I wouldn’t believe if it hadn’t happend to a young woman I personally know.  Earlier this week Rosanne leaves an urgent message on my voice mail telling me that she “thinks” she’s been fired.  To me, that’s like being a “little” pregnant.  Either you were fired, or you weren’t. 

She and a friend were out to lunch when her boss called on her cell phone.  After speaking with the boss, she hung up and put it in her pants pocket.  Well either the phone hadn’t disconnected or it re-dialed from her pocket because her boss overheard every word of a conversation in which Rosanne  complained loud and clear about that “b____” of a boss.  When I asked how the rest of the conversation went, she said it only got worse from there.  Ugh. 

So, when Rosanne gets back to her office the boss calls her in and lets her know what she heard.  Astonishingly, Rosanne felt the conversation was “private” and her boss should not use it to make an employment decision.  She said she had the right to vent with a friend without being punished for it.  The boss thought differently and told her that since she was so unhappy she could clean out her desk and leave.  I’d say that’s fired.

So, OK. If I were Rosanne’s boss I don’t think I would have fired her if there weren’t other problems with her performance.  I’d use it as an opportunity to better understand how employees see me and to find a way to develop a stronger relationship with Rosanne or coach her out of the company.  But I’m not like most bosses.  Rosanne’s boss is like most bosses. 

As Carol has said before, technology isn’t always your friend and this is one case where it definitely wasn’t a friend.  Let’s all remember these simple but often overlooked tips for ensuring you’re not the victim of a techno-glitch:

1. If you’re going to bad-mouth the boss, completely turn off the cell phone.  Then just to be safe bury it somewhere.
2. If you’re ragging on someone (anyone) in an e-mail, check not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES to make sure you haven’t inadvertently copied someone who definitely does not need to see this message. 
3. If you’re using the company copier to make a copy of something important like your divorce decree – or your butt — be sure not to leave anything on the copier plate or in the out tray.  No one wants to see either of those two things — especially the latter. 
4. When leaving an angry voice mail, use the feature that allows you to listen to your message BEFORE it’s delivered.  Don’t just use it once, use it a couple of times to make sure you’re willing to burn that bridge. 
5. If you blind copy someone on an e-mail, assume they will spill the beans.  Then, you’re going to have to explain why you blind copied them.  It’s safer to just copy people and avoid the embarassment. 
6. Keep your desk clean.  Otherwise, you risk picking up papers that don’t belong together (like a report to your headquarters and a love note to your amour) and sending them all out together.  And most likely it’s the love note that will go to headquarters, not vice versa. 
7. Don’t use Facebook or other social networking sites to announce or denounce your latest romantic conquest.  Not only do current or future employers check you out on these sites, it’s really embarassing when it winds up on Judge Judy.

TAGS: Facebook, high profile technology mistakes, Judy Judy, Pocket dialing, technology faux pas

Maria wrote in with this predicament and question:

My career had been on an upward trajectory until I was terminated for refusing to sign off on something I considered unethical.  With diminished self-confidence and thinking I needed a break from my industry, I took a part-time job with a one year contract that paid less than I was making in my last position.  Soon after accepting this role, I was offered what I would consider the perfect long-term career, but turned it down because I felt it would be unethical to break my agreement with the part-time organization.  Although I’m enjoying a slower pace, the money is less and now I’m worried about money and if I made the right decision.  Did I cut off my nose to spite my face?

First, I learned long ago that we make decisions for the best of all possible reasons in the moment.  None of us sets out to make a bad decision and only in retrospect can we know if it was wise or in our best interests.  So, in this regard, I suggest you let go of any worry about past decisions and focus on the present and future. 

What is of more concern to me is your belief that it would be unethical to take another, seemingly better, position once you assumed the part-time role.  Perhaps this might be what happened at your last job as well.  You say you refused to sign off on something you considered unethical, but through exploration, dialogue and creative problem-solving could an alternative have been reached?

Believe me, I think business ethics are critical.  At the same time, I’m wondering if you, like many women, are stuck in a place of black and white/right and wrong without considering how issues can be worked through ethically and to your advantage.  Women are more likely to be the “conscience” of an organization — even in small inconsequential matters.  Whereas a guy will pick his battles, a woman can at times (as you say) bite off her nose to spite her face. 

Let me give you some things to think about:

• Never act unethically, but first seek to understand instructions that may on the surface seem unethical.  It could be that you’re lacking a piece of information that changes the situation entirely.  Ask questions that help illuminate the real issues for everyone involved so that you don’t become the scapegoat. 
• Find alternatives to insubordination.  If you know something you’ve been asked to do is unethical, simply refusing to do it makes you insubordinate and a prime target for termination.  That may be OK with you if the ethics involved are so egregious that you wouldn’t want to work for this company anyway, but perhaps it’s a rogue manager you’ve gotten stuck with.  If you want to stay with the company, have a discussion with your manager about what makes you uncomfortable, why you can’t bring yourself to do it, and ask for a transfer.  Alternatively, speak with human resources about another position within the company without bad-mouthing your boss.  You can always say something like, “As much I like working for this company, I don’t think Joe and I make the best match and I’d like to be considered for vacancies when they arise.”
• Don’t underestimate the power of simple but clear communication.  So you’ve taken a job for a year when a better one comes up.  In my opinion, it’s more bad form than unethical to just hand in your notice and leave (and depending on the contract it could put you in legal trouble).  But what if you went to your new management and explained the situation: a position you never anticipated has been offered to you and you’d like to pursue it, but don’t want to leave them in the lurch.  Is there a way you could work with them to hire a replacement?  Could you do contract work for them on week-ends?   Most employers don’t really want to keep employees who they think won’t be happy in the long-run and are willing to work with them to find win/win solutions. 
• Don’t confuse ethics with disappointing others.  It’s fairly easy to make “nice girls” feel guilty when they make decisions that are in their best interests but are ones with which others disagree.  You’ll be accused of being unethical, selfish, or a host of other things if the person thinks it make you do what they want.   But if you haven’t lied, cheated, acted immorally or contrary to the public good, chances are you haven’t acted unethically. 

TAGS: Workplace ethics

In the January 29th issue of The Week magazine (which I highly recommend for busy people) there was an article that caught my attention about flattery and why it works.  Quoting from a Scientific American piece, flattery works because it feeds into the “above-average effect,” the view the few held by most people that they are above average (even though that’s statistically impossible)…  If someone tells us we look good, we believe it, even if the flatterer’s motivation is obvious. 

Now I’m not suggesting that you give insincere compliments or offer false flattery.  That would be just plain smarmy and dishonest.  On the other hand… finding something legitimately nice or positive you can say about someone goes a long way in building those strong relationships I’m always harping about.  I remember once telling the husband of a friend he looked great in pink Polo shirts — they complemented his white hair and deep blue eyes.  For a long time after that he wore a pink shirt every time we got together.

You can call it flattery, positive feedback, compliments or whatever you like but use it to your advantage.  Look for the good in and about people and comment on it — not because you’re going to get something back, but because it contributes to warm, mutually rewarding interactions.

TAGS: building relationships, flattery, the above-average effect, The Week magazine

While the year is still young, there’s one more thing you might consider tackling ─ your resume.

Whether you’re in the job market or not, I believe that everyone should have an updated resume ready at a moment’s notice. You never know when an opportunity will come along; you might be considered for a new role inside your company, a recruiter might call or you might want to join a board. In any of those situations, you don’t want to have to scramble to revise your resume. Time pressed, mistakes creep in, either egregious one such as typos or less obvious ones such as neglecting to add your most recent accomplishments. Have a friend (or two, even better if he/she is in your industry and familiar with the job competencies for the role you have or the one you want) review your revised resume, ask them to go beyond proofing to offer feedback regarding layout and content too. Is it easy to read? Is it clearly written? Does represent you well?

If you’ve been in the job market for a while and have posted your resume online, repost your revised resume, even if nothing has changed except the dates. Prospective employers won’t be impressed with an out-dated resume.

And, on a going forward basis, take time at the end of each month to write down your accomplishments ─ if you wait too long, it’s likely you’ll forget some of the wonderful things you’ve done! Not only will the list you create make your next resume revision easier, it will help support your performance evaluation.

Updating your resume is one relatively easy thing you can do to proactively manage your career. Think of how happy you’ll be when you’ve finished it!

TAGS: Job hunting, Job Search, LinkedIn, Resume writing

I was driving to the office yesterday and a sign I passed every day took on new significance.  I thought it quite clever that some graffiti artist only chose to give us simple message for the day: CHILL.  It was a message I needed to hear yesterday, my day was filled with appointments from one end of Los Angeles to the other and plenty to do in the office in between.  But it was also a great reminder of how visual aids do impact us.  I remembered that sign all day because it made me smile… and slow down.  Everything was going to get done, everyone was going to get met, and there was no need to stress over it.  I share it with you with the hope that maybe it’s the sign YOU need today to take a breath, relax, and know it’ll all somehow happen.  And if it doesn’t?  Tomorrow is another day.

TAGS: Breathe, Chill, Relax

Although I’ve always been sympathetic about women who spend all day working then go home to take care of their families, never having had children I didn’t really get it on (what a friend of mine would describe as) a cellular level.  I recall my own mother, who was a nurse her entire life, going to work, coming home to make dinner, making lunch for my brothers and me, and spending some time with my Dad before falling asleep on the couch.  And that didn’t count keeping house (no one in our socioeconomic class had housekeepers), doing the grocery shopping, taking care of us when we were sick, or when another family member or friend needed her for something.   Like many of you, she sacrificed a lot. 

Over the years as I’ve been busy with my career I’ve thought about Mom and wondered how she did it all, but NOW I get it.  In December we rescued a little dog from a shelter.  Not only did I never have children, I never even had a pet to care for before now — not even, as my brother reminded me, a fish.  Ellie (named after Eleanor Roosevelt) has taught me so many things about creating more balance between work and life, how to set priorities, say no, and all of those other things that go along with being partially responsible for the well-being of another living thing.   I thought I was already pretty good at most of those things, but factoring her needs in with mine makes me even more conscious of them.  

To those of you who have had to “do it all” while working, I tip my hat to you.  I have an even deeper appreciation for the sacrifices you make on a daily basis.  We can leave Ellie at home and go out for dinner on “date night,” but for those of you with children it’s significantly more complicated.  And if you never had children or a pet, I can’t recommend it highly enough.  Initially I was worried about whether I would be a good “mother”, but that’s worn off.  Now I know I can only do the best I can and, with proper boundaries and love, Ellie will be just fine. 

Let me share a few lessons that have been reinforced from life with Ellie with the hope that some will resonate with you.

1.  Set clear boundaries.  Whether it’s with children, kids, or your parents, there’s no harm in setting boundaries.  In fact, it helps those involved understand the “rules” for ensuring everyone’s needs get met — not just the needs of others.  The first few nights Ellie just cried and cried when we wouldn’t let her in the bed, but now she knows it’s off-limits and is fine with sleeping along side us in a little bed on the floor. 

2.  Make time for your relationship.   Having Ellie in our home was like having a new baby.  We ooh-ed and ahh-ed over her and didn’t pay much attention to each other.  Now we make sure we have our own time together, uninterrupted by Ellie, so that our relationship continues to flourish. 

3.  Be consistent.  This is how children, friends, family and, yes, dogs, learn to trust us.  When you say “no cookies before dinner” you have to stick to it or else you reinforce the wrong behavior. 

4.  Cut yourself slack.  We all do the best we can in most circumstances.  Beating yourself up for having to leave your child at day care while you go to work does you and your child no good.  In my case I didn’t know a little seven pound dog only ate less than a cup of food a day and one night overfed her to the point where she vomited!  Lesson learned.  We aren’t perfect and trying to be will only cause you to overlook all the things you do well and right.

5.  Don’t forget about you.  As much as I love this little dog, there are times when I need a few hours to myself without being distracted by her or worrying about her.  In the beginning I felt she had to be with one of us every minute.  This isn’t healthy either.  When I do take time for myself, I return refreshed and ready to give her more than I would if I didn’t do so.  And then there’s the little “heros dance” she does when I walk in the door that makes me realize absence really might make the heart grow fonder — for both of us.

7.  Admit what you don’t know.   Never having had a pet before there was a lot I didn’t know.  I found myself calling friends and family for advice and asking people in the neighborhood lots of questions.   If we all would ask more questions — whether it’s about work, cooking, or life — we’d be a lot smarter and better off. 

8.  Ask for help.  There are times when you simply won’t be able to do it all.  There’s no shame in that.  Asking for the help you need enables you to maintain your equilibrium at times you most need it.

9.  Keep your priorities and values in the forefront.   As I sit writing this blog it’s thundering and lightning here in Pasadena, CA.  I looked around a few minutes ago and couldn’t find Ellie.  Finally, I found her under the bed shaking with fear.  The blog will get finished, I told myself.  Spend time comforting her because she needs me more than the blog does at the moment.  Who or what needs you more than you need that manicure or shopping trip?

TAGS: lessons learned from dogs, work/life balance, working mothers