Jackie is an attractive, 35 year old woman who’s been dating Dave for the last three years. They have discussed marriage – often. But Dave is still not ready although he is 36 years old, gainfully employed and legally free to marry. After their last conversation about the subject, Jackie told him that since she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship─ a ring─ that it was finally time for her to break it off for good. Dave protested, assuring her that he loved her but couldn’t commit to marriage just yet. Jackie stood her ground and told him that, while she wished it could be different, that breaking-up was the only solution.

Jackie and Dave had broken up before over this subject but it didn’t stick. They would find each other online at the same time and re-engage by chatting via AOL Instant Messenger. A few chats later, they’d be back together. This time though, Jackie wanted to prevent herself from falling back into the usual pattern so she uninstalled the AIM software from her computer. She hasn’t seen Dave in months and is now dating someone else.

What Can We Learn From Jackie?

• Know what you want.
  If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it. You shouldn’t “settle” with regard to things that are important to you.
• Don’t expect that people will read your mind; you have to communicate what you want.
  While you may think your interests are completely clear, don’t assume that the person with whom you are trying to reach agreement gets it. Don’t take chances, tell him/her.
• Help yourself
  Think about the patterns of behavior that have led you in the wrong direction in the past and change them. While you can surely figure out another way to get yourself back into the same bad situation, at least it won’t be as easy.

I don’t mean to minimize the heart break that this kind of situation causes; it’s been a long time but I remember well how it feels to be involved in a break up. Yet, sometimes there’s “nothing behind Door #2″. Let’s Make a Deal was a TV game show where the contestant had to choose one of three closed doors to open; often, the host would try to raise the stakes by offering more prizes if the contestant would give up the door he/she had originally picked. Very few people did. They stuck with their original selection even when another of the two doors was opened to reveal the grand prize. People get stuck, often stubbornly sticking to a person that they know is not the right one. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it’s best to move on.

TAGS: break-up, LinkedIn, relationships

Since the U.S. holiday season has begun with Thanksgiving (an old tradition) and Black Friday (a relatively new tradition), it seems timely to consider ways you can manage the season in a way that ensures that you will truly enjoy it, rather than merely enduring it. Recently, the NY Times had an article about how badly some families behave ─ the examples included everything from a complaint that sweet potatoes with marshmallows weren’t on the menu to a woman who found the need to delve deep into her psyche to share her conviction that her family didn’t love her.

Funny, if it’s not your family!

But, sadly, bad behavior isn’t limited to the holiday gathering alone. It can begin with disagreements about who’ll host, who’ll be invited, whether to do a sit-down dinner or a buffet and whether the good china or paper plates are the right table setting. And that is certainly not an exhaustive list!

If you want to enjoy the holidays, you need to have a realistic idea of what is doable given your particular situation. Consider these ideas:

• You can’t make everyone happy and you shouldn’t be disappointed about that.
  Some family members don’t like each other and if that is the case in your family, don’t make the mistake of thinking it’ll be different this year unless you take preemptive action. If you think there is a chance that the “difficult” person will listen, consider having a conversation about the offending behaviors. Try not to review past transgressions, rather, focus on the upcoming opportunities to be more congenial. If the difficult person won’t listen, consider dropping him/her from the guest list.

• Tradition is important until it doesn’t work anymore, then have the courage to start new traditions.
  When my sister first married, she and her husband traveled every year both to her husband’s family and to ours, thousands of miles from where they were living and from each other. They continued the tradition when their first daughter was born and kept it going even after their second child came along. Each year, it became more difficult ─ their visiting time was limited at each family, the children tended to pick up airborne germs in the crowded airplanes and the cost was outrageous. Finally, they decided that it was time to make a change ─ they started alternating so that they visited only one family each year. While they wished they could be in two places each year, the reality was that they weren’t enjoying the holidays much at all doing things the way they had done them before. Their situation was different. We all got over it.

• Plan ahead.
  If you know that your children won’t eat Aunt Sarah’s luscious leg of lamb, ask her ahead of time if you can bring along something for them that they will eat. If you are traveling, pack some games or toys that will keep them busy and happy. If you know they tend to melt down at 8:00 PM, perhaps you can negotiate an earlier start time.

• Appreciate the stresses others may be feeling.
  Most people (even the most difficult of family members) aspire to enjoy the holidays. While it may not seem like it, they probably don’t wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I’ll do my best to make someone miserable today, and I’ll give myself extra points it that person is related to me!”. They have their own perspectives and feelings; the more you try to listen to their concerns, the better your chances to reach agreements that work for both of you. That’s a gift that will long outlast the leftovers!

TAGS: bad behavior, Families, holidays, LinkedIn

I’m an incurable romantic – except when it comes to money. 

So, if you’re getting married and don’t want the romance to fade when the wedding and honeymoon are over – give each other the gift of a copy of your credit report and a conversation with a certified financial planner.

Divorce lawyers say money issues – not sex, not infidelity – are the top reasons for the breakup of a marriage.  So help make your marriage last by assessing your and your intended’s assets, debts and other liabilities before walking down the aisle.  That means laying your financials on the table:  how much you each make and pay for everything including car notes, student loans, credit cards, child support, manicures, rounds of golf and anything else that is a recurring expense in your life. 

Financial specialists encourage couples to “know the score” – each other’s credit score that is – so there’s no misunderstanding about each other’s financial circumstances.  Those scores will impact your goals and habits.

Some money specialists even say you need to look at each other as assets – to better assess what your financial life together represents.   Are you a spender and he’s a saver?  Do you have an important goal in mind – like buying a home in the next year but he’s content living in an apartment because he’d rather spend money to travel?

A  pre-marital counseling session or two with a certified financial advisor will help you both get to the heart of the matter regarding love and money:  get your own financial house in order before you say “I do”. 

Money experts say among married couples usually one spouse has good credit and the other doesn’t.   If  that’s the case with you and yours, a financial counseling session before walking down the aisle will help you both see why  the “good credit spouse” should be the Chief Financial Officer of your new household.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: love and money, Marriage

More than a third of all marriages in the United States end – not with a divorce – but with the death of a spouse. In the midst of huge emotional trauma, often one of the greatest challenges is handling all the finances.

Being widowed is something none of us ever want to think about.  But with 55 and a few months being the average age of widowhood in this country - we all need some kind of a financial plan, something that can take care of the family’s daily needs when it comes to affording the dollars and cents of life – which goes on – even as you’re dealing with this loss.

Not planning for death can make things much more difficult on the surviving spouse.  That’s why couples must have a contingency plan – meaning having a will, a trust if necessary, power of attorney, health care directives and so forth – discussed, drawn up and signed.  It’s so important because if the unexpected happens – the surviving spouse will know where to go, who to talk to and what decisions need to be made.

If the head of the household dies, the surviving spouse must assume an often unfamiliar role of managing the finances.  An important thing to keep in mind:  don’t make any rash financial decisions.  Take time out for the first month or so following your loss.  After that, it’s critical to form a team of tusted advisors which should include an attorney, accountant, trust officer and insurance agent.

The next step is to revise your estate plan.  Make a list of who you want to name as beneficiaries in your will.  If you’re recently widowed, many of your assets will still be in the name of your late spouse.  So make sure you re-title the ownership on all important documents.

Be sure there are no gaps in your health, life and long-term care insurance coverage.  Contact your spouse’s employer for any benefits owned to you – such as pension income, life and health insuranc coverage.  And if you’re employed, don’t forget to contact your own employer to see what new benefits are available to you.

And finally, be sure to contact the Social Security Administration.  A widow is entitled to half of her late husband’s benefits as long as she doesn’t remarry before age 60.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: beneficiaries, estate planning, financial team of experts, health insurance, long term care insurance, Social Security Administration, widowhood.

Life insurance isn’t the easiest topic to discuss, but making sure you have adequate coverage could be the most responsible thing you do.  Life insurance is the cornerstone of sound financial planning. 

If you have a spouse, children or any dependents, life insurance can help them survive financially if you were to pass away.  But, marital status is just one of many factors to consider when determining your need for it.  If you’re a single adult, you should consider life insurance, too: 

• If you have children or provide support for a parent or grandparent.  Your death could bring serious financial hardship to them.  Life insurance can provide a continued stream of income for dependent loved ones.
• If you have a jointly held mortgage or other loans held with a cosigner.  Your death would leave the cosigner responsible for the entire debt.  Life insurance could cover these debts.
• If you are at risk genetically for any serious medical condition.  It makes sense to buy life insurance while you are young and healthy. Purchasing life insurance after you develop a health condition could be difficult, or even impossible.

For couples, some of the reasons why life insurance matters:

• It will replace your income for dependents.
• It will pay final expenses such as your funeral and burial costs, probate and other estate administration costs, debts and medical expenses not covered by health insurance.
• It allows you to create an inheritance for your heirs because even if you have no other assets to pass to your heirs, you can create an inheritance by buying a life insurance policy and naming them as beneficiaries.
• It will pay federal and state “death” taxes so that your heirs will not have to liquidate other assets or take a smaller inheritance.
• It could allow you to make significant charitable contributions because by making a charity the beneficiary of your life insurance, you can make a much larger contribution than if you donated the cash equivalent of the policy’s premiums.

Some life insurance policies could also allow you to create a source of savings for your heirs.  Some types create a cash value that can be borrowed or withdrawn on the owner’s request.  A cash-value type life insurance policy can create a kind of “forced” savings plan. 

The Insurance Information Institute is a great resource to find out how much insurance you need, which product is right for you and how to choose an insurance agency.  The website is www.iii.org .

No one wants to think about death but thinking about life insurance now will help your dependents survive – financially – if something happens to you.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: beneficiaries, burial costs, couples, dependents, heirs, income, insurance information institute, life insurance, policy premiums, probabe and estate administration costs, serious genetic medical conditions, single adults

Paying with a credit card is definitely handy – just be sure you don’t pay an unnecessary price for the convenience.  By that I mean, don’t let credit card fees get out of control. 

There are ways that this can happen without you easily knowing of it.

First and foremost are late fees.  They can be exorbitant!  Miss a payment due date and you can get hit with a penalty ranging from $15-$39. 

Not only is this all-important due date not always crystal clear but credit card companies have the right to change this due date deadline with very little notice.  In fact, they can even specify an exact time of day that your payment is due!

And since a late fee increases the balance you’re carrying, if you’re at or near your spending limit, this fee could push you over the limit which could then result in an over-the-limit charge of another $15-$39.

Another potential way your credit card fees can get out of control:  if you’re late with a payment or go over your spending limit. 

If either of these situations happen, the credit card company can increase your annual percentage rate of interest (APR) into double digits.  Many credit card companies will do this even if you’re late on any of your bills – even those not charged to that particular card.  This is a tough but good lesson in reminding us how inter-connected credit history is and the potential consequences of any credit delinquencies.

So what to do if you are hit with a late fee or over-the-limit fee? 

• Contact the credit card company.  Ask them to wave the charge for you as a one time courtesy.  Some will.
• Request a lower APR and if the company says “no” consider transferring to another credit card company offering a lower rate.

If you do consider switching to another credit card company – one caveat:  if you have a long-standing history with that credit card issuer, closing that account could hurt your credit score. 

So I suggest that you keep the credit card with which you have the longest credit history – even if the APR is a bit steep.  Use it just a couple of times a year so there’s activity on it but only charging what you can pay off in full when the bill comes due.  However, shop for a credit card that has a low rate and use that one consistently and responsibly.

Plastic protocols are important to know and knowing them keeps your credit – worthy.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: APR, credit card fees, credit cards, late fees, over-the-limit fees, payment due date

Diversity is the most compelling issue for the new century and the new economy.  That’s why I want to share my thoughts with you about linking diverse philosophies to your bottom line personal and professional goals.

Lots of forces have tugged especially hard at the family unit over the last few decades.  Even the definition of “family” has changed, extended and become more diverse.  As a result, I think the advancement of women is more regularly being seen as an expansion of humanity rather than a competition with men.  That acceptance is what’s leading to diversification of responsibilities in childcare, school involvement, household schedules, meals, elder care and other related family issues.  These issues are no longer being seen solely as women’s work.  These “chores” or “duties” are being more frequently identified and embraced as family concerns.  These concerns are becoming more deliberate, consistent and willing focal points for women and for men. 

As a result of this collaboration, I believe we are seeing the evolution of a more humane and nurturing environment regarding family diversity that will produce more gender-free, assigned responsibility.  To me – this provides the opportunity for more gender-free, assigned responsibilities regarding the management of money within families. Family money should be managed by the adult determined to be the most deliberate and consistent regarding meeting family money needs.  While money decisions should be made in a collaborative way with (if there is) the other family adult, the responsibility for executing transparent and on-time management of family finances should rest with the family’s Chief Financial Officer (CFO).  When it comes to couples, the person who becomes the family CFO should be chosen in a very deliberate fashion.   The decision should come after much discussion and be made after determining who best fits and most consistently executes the role.  This isn’t always the male.  In fact, increasingly more women are being named to fill the role.

I believe there are many assets to be gained in making such a choice – not the least of which is greater attention being given to orchestrating and respecting personal relationships and the contributions each person within a couple can make.  Personal relationships suffered debilitating blows during the matching designer resume driven 80s.  In this 21st century - relationships have a chance to blossom.  Why?  Because we all tired of the civil wars that raged back then in the homes of working women.  And because after decades of feeling isolated and outside the family circle, men – who had long refused to organize and orchestrate their private lives, are understanding and declaring that the “second shift” which their working wives or partners had always handled, should not remain just women’s work.

Family matters.  And more and more men understand that they’ve allowed themselves to miss out on too much and too many of the assets of real family values for too long.  Additionally, we women are realizing that because we always have a plan for everything – we’ve contributed to the “absent male” notion because we’ve comprehensively covered the gaps. 

The asset that is now on family dinner tables is that in this century – it’s not only possible but probable – with mutual conviction and on behalf of family values that the opinions and idiosyncrasies of men and women are becoming more flexible and cooperate in creating a nurturing environment – together.  Now that’s an asset your family can bank on and take to the bank.

Here’s to your health and wealth!

TAGS: CFO, family diversity, family money, family values, money responsibilities

Overheard on a New York City bus:

Late thirty-something year old mom to her three or four year old daughter: “Honey, do you see that building over there with the flags? That’s where Daddy asked Mommy to marry him.”

Daughter: “Oh.”

Mother: “If you were getting married tomorrow, which of the boys in your class would you marry? Would it be Tucker or Nolan or Carlson or Spencer or….”

Daughter: “I don’t know.”

Mother: “I think Nolan is the sweetest. He’d take the best care of you.”

Hmmm…. Think about the messages that little girl is getting about marriage and what it means.

On the other hand, I’ve recently heard about two young women who’ve made the choice not to marry the guys they’d been seriously dating when it came time to make the final decision. One came to the conclusion that her fiancé’s attitude about money was so fundamentally different than her own that they would never be able to reconcile them. The other realized that her fiancé’s marriage proposal, coupled with a “request” to convert to his religion meant she’d have to give up too much of herself.

Smart women. Better to give serious consideration to these and other issues important to you before you marry than to try to solve them afterward. These women know that, married or not, it’s up to each of us to take care of ourselves.

TAGS: Marriage, mothers and daughters

I believe in assets -  of the wallet and of the heart.  Let’s take a moment to count the one’s of the heart and why we should count on them.  

I was the recipient of an extremely nurturing form of perfectionism that came from the loving hands of my 20-year old mother.  Vivien (Vicki) Baxter married my Dad William (Bill) Dickerson (with her parents’ permission) three weeks before her 17^th birthday.  When I was born, I became her real life doll and she took exemplary care of me.  Everything she did for me and with me was as perfectly orchestrated as she could make it.

Perfection had been an important and early discipline for this child bride to master.  Though she was the teenage wife of a young Army/Air Force lieutenant who was just a few years her senior, she was a military wife now – in the midst of “older women” already in their 30s! 

Her perfection for being stylishly appropriate was one of my Mom’s greatest assets.  She practiced what she learned on me.  Where did she learn this grown up sense of the life and style she wanted to provide me?  From my Dad. 

 The story goes:  A few weeks after they were married, he arrived home to change into his military dress uniform and pick up Mom for a squadron party.  He found her dressed like the 17-year old that she was – in her best pleated skirt, white Angora sweater, matching socks and black Mary Jane shoes.  Dad told her she looked beautiful and that he’d like her to save the outfit to wear when just the two of them went out to dinner because in the Air Force there was a sort of uniform for wives too.  “The older women usually wear a cocktail dress,” he said.  “Let’s go get one for you!”

 And so it was that every Friday of those early months of my Mother’s married life that my Dad would take her shopping for her “uniforms”.  One Friday it was for hats.  Another it was for shoes.  The next – for suits.  Yet another for purses and so on.   And so it was with that history and evolution of my Mother’s perfectionism into which I was born and grew up. 

My parents have been gone nearly six years now – first Mom then Dad six months later.  They’d been married 61 years.  This story is always a special memory to me for how tenderly Bill brought Vicki into the world of older – women of a certain age.

 It was this environment that taught me to recognize the value of different kinds of assets in our lives.  Money is an asset and certainly matters.  We should make deposits into our savings and retirement accounts on a regular and committed basis.  

But memories matter, too.  They’re priceless assets and should be considered valuable deposits into our emotional bank accounts.

 Here’s to your health and wealth!

TAGS: Assets, emotional assets, mothers, parents

Women are more vulnerable financially as we age.  Why?  Because we have very unique money issues:

• lower earnings
• work patterns
• health status
• life expectancy
• marital status

We have lower earnings because we work in different and often less lucrative occupations and sectors.  Two-thirds of us earn less than $30,000 a year – a number that has been diminished even more by the ongoing downturn in the overall economy.  U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis says the recession is especially hard on women because we earn less money than men for the same work.  Women earn from 78-cents to 52-cents for every dollar men receive.  (Source: The Womens’ Data Center, Institute for Women’s Policy Research,  http://www.iwpr.org/femstats/wocdata.htm - Asian 78-cents, White 73-cents, African-American 63-cents, Native American almost 60-cents and Latinas 52-cents).  The average 25-year old woman with a college degree earns $500,000 less in her lifetime than a man.  While women are in the workforce in greater numbers, we are often part-time or work for an employer offering few or no benefits. 

Women’s work patterns are different.   Women on average work 13 years less than men.  During our time away – most often to care for children or frail parents or other family members – we’re not increasing our earning power, not vesting in pensions and our lifetime earnings for Social Security income is lower.   Most defined pension plans vest at 5 years.  Women average 4.7 years in a job while men average 5.1 years.  Half of working women have no pension. 

Women spend more on out-of-pocket health care expenses than men.  The system sees our health status differently.  Men have more acute illnesses and die sooner but  their medical needs are covered under insurance and Medicare.  Women at midlife have more chronic illnesses, require specialists and leading edge medicine.  Our illnesses frequently result in the need for long term care – and other needs often not covered by many insurances or Medicare.

We live longer than men – on average about 5 years longer but a woman’s income at age 65 is half that of men.  Women must factor in longer life expectancy as they plan for retirement and should work with a  financial specialist to accurately figure out the rate at which they spend their retirement savings.

90% of women will live alone – by choice or circumstances – at some point in their life.  29% of single, older women are poor or near poor.  Widowed and divorced women are three to four times more likely to be poor than women in couples.  For many older women, Social Security is their only source of income in retirement.

Women deserve economic security.  In order to attain it, we must not allow ourselves to become the victims of this recession.  See and seize the opportunity to become better stewards of our personal money.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: benefits, caregiving, chronic illness, earnings, health status, life expectancy, Lower earnings, marital status, pension plans, widowed and divorced women, work patterns