Dr. Deborah Kolb, a thought leader in the area of women and negotiation and Carol’s partner in Negotiating Women, Inc., provides this guest post offering advice to women who want to negotiate more flexibility in their work schedules without damaging their careers:

Negotiating flexibility is not easy issues for a number of reasons.  First, most of organizations subscribe to the myth of the ‘ideal worker,’ who has no commitments outside of work, even though we know it no longer holds true for the vast majority.  That means that when anybody negotiates for flexibility, s/he has to deal with that myth always hanging in the background even if it is not formally on the table. Second, any negotiation on flexibility is not a onetime thing as exigencies of the work can cause even the best crafted agreement to erode.  Still, negotiation theory offers some insights that can help in these often highly charged dealings.

• Connect Your Interest to the Business Interest. You have an interest in working a flexible schedule.  Your boss has interests– good, legitimate reasons for denying your request.  She may be legitimately worried that the work will suffer.  She may be worried that this will start a precedent and that others will ask for the same ‘special treatment’ and that everybody’s work will suffer.  In my work, I have shown that if you can connect your interest to what is good for the business, you are more likely to get to yes.  In this situation, can you show how a flexible schedule enables you to serve customers better—can you deal with those in Singapore now where you couldn’t before? Will you have the quiet time to develop the marketing plan to present to the board?  If you can make these connections, then the precedent you model is about benefit to the individual and the business.

• Get The Parties Right. Although it appears that this is a negotiation between you and your boss, actually the ‘high value parties’, are the ones not at the table, those who are most likely affected by your proposed change in schedule.  They may be your peers, your subordinates, and/or your external or internal customers.  They may be the most resistant to change, fearing that they will have to pick up the slack.  It is in negotiations with them, that coming up with creative ways to rethink how the work is done may have the greatest payoff. And it is their support that may carry weight in your dealings with your boss.

• Benchmark Other Practices. If you can point to other successful examples of what you are proposing, it accomplishes several things.  First, it makes you feel more confident in your proposals, and if you are confident you are more likely to stay in the negotiations until you can find some mutual gain.  Second, the availability of credible data, makes it possible for your boss to justify her actions to herself and her superiors.  Currently, many organizations are experimenting with alternative working arrangements, among them major pharmaceutical firms so it should be easy to find examples of these practices and how they have paid off.

• Make the Agreement Contingent. Whatever agreement you reach, it can never be clear how it will work out from either side.  You may find that the schedule is more onerous than you anticipated or that you are missing out on key decisions.  On the work group side, they may find that the new arrangements are putting too much burden on them or that they are working so well that they want to negotiate further changes in how they do the work.  Any agreement should have both time and metrics built in—when will you, your boss, and the relevant stakeholders re-evaluate and what will be the bases of that assessment?

In all of these negotiations about flexibility, it is important to remember that it is a two level game—happening both at work and at home.

TAGS: flexibility, LinkedIn, Negotiation

The New York Times reports on the latest research about what women must do and avoid doing when seeking a bump in salary. As, we’ve written before (also take a look at the Pay Disparity Category for other related posts, it’s more complicated for women. But, take heart, it can be done!

TAGS: benchmarking salary, LinkedIn, salary, salary negotiation, salary sites

I had the pleasure of meeting with Melanie Billings-Yun and a client of hers last week. Melanie’s written a book called Beyond Dealmaking (which I highly recommend) and is an expert on cross cultural negotiations. She’s lived in London, Paris, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Seoul, Indonesia and Singapore and has first hand experience of how tricky it can be to bridge the cultural divide.

Melanie made the point that negotiating success in a global world is all about understanding and respecting people’s both people’s customs and sensibilities. For example, her book includes a story about Choi, a Korean businessman whose meat importing company had been purchasing meat from a single supplier in Texas for many years. The two companies had an excellent, mutually beneficial relationship. Then, in 1997, when the Asian financial crisis hit Korea and the resulting drop in the value of the Korean currency against the dollar, Choi needed an accommodation from his U.S. supplier. He needed to delay acceptance of the merchandise until orders from his customers picked up and his cash flow improved. The supplier refused, responding through a lawyer’s letter that demanded Choi fulfill the contract as written. Shocked and dismayed, Choi consulted with Melanie. She explained that he shouldn’t take the letter personally ─ sometimes companies go into “autopilot” contract compliance mode in situations like this. But Choi did take it personally, particularly because he had welcomed these supplier into his home when they had visited Korea. Melanie helped him to renegotiate the terms of the contract to those he could manage; he fulfilled his obligations but refused to do any further business with the company.

Refusing to make an accommodation for a business partner in a tight spot usually isn’t the smartest thing to do if you want to continue to do business, regardless of the cultural considerations. But, when dealing with someone who holds the perspective that once you’ve been to his home, you’re a friend, adds a whole new layer of expectations.

As the world continues to shrink, do your homework when dealing with people from other countries, regardless of whether they are colleagues or clients. Pay attention to things that can send messages you didn’t intend. For example, in Asian cultures when someone hands you a business card, it is considered rude to put the card away without taking the time to carefully read it first. Asking yourself, “Who knew?” after making a gaffe like this won’t enhance your image!

Readers, what tips can you share with us from your cross-cultural experiences?

TAGS: Books, cross-cultural, global, LinkedIn

Jackie is an attractive, 35 year old woman who’s been dating Dave for the last three years. They have discussed marriage – often. But Dave is still not ready although he is 36 years old, gainfully employed and legally free to marry. After their last conversation about the subject, Jackie told him that since she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship─ a ring─ that it was finally time for her to break it off for good. Dave protested, assuring her that he loved her but couldn’t commit to marriage just yet. Jackie stood her ground and told him that, while she wished it could be different, that breaking-up was the only solution.

Jackie and Dave had broken up before over this subject but it didn’t stick. They would find each other online at the same time and re-engage by chatting via AOL Instant Messenger. A few chats later, they’d be back together. This time though, Jackie wanted to prevent herself from falling back into the usual pattern so she uninstalled the AIM software from her computer. She hasn’t seen Dave in months and is now dating someone else.

What Can We Learn From Jackie?

• Know what you want.
  If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it. You shouldn’t “settle” with regard to things that are important to you.
• Don’t expect that people will read your mind; you have to communicate what you want.
  While you may think your interests are completely clear, don’t assume that the person with whom you are trying to reach agreement gets it. Don’t take chances, tell him/her.
• Help yourself
  Think about the patterns of behavior that have led you in the wrong direction in the past and change them. While you can surely figure out another way to get yourself back into the same bad situation, at least it won’t be as easy.

I don’t mean to minimize the heart break that this kind of situation causes; it’s been a long time but I remember well how it feels to be involved in a break up. Yet, sometimes there’s “nothing behind Door #2″. Let’s Make a Deal was a TV game show where the contestant had to choose one of three closed doors to open; often, the host would try to raise the stakes by offering more prizes if the contestant would give up the door he/she had originally picked. Very few people did. They stuck with their original selection even when another of the two doors was opened to reveal the grand prize. People get stuck, often stubbornly sticking to a person that they know is not the right one. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it’s best to move on.

TAGS: break-up, LinkedIn, Relationships

Since the U.S. holiday season has begun with Thanksgiving (an old tradition) and Black Friday (a relatively new tradition), it seems timely to consider ways you can manage the season in a way that ensures that you will truly enjoy it, rather than merely enduring it. Recently, the NY Times had an article about how badly some families behave ─ the examples included everything from a complaint that sweet potatoes with marshmallows weren’t on the menu to a woman who found the need to delve deep into her psyche to share her conviction that her family didn’t love her.

Funny, if it’s not your family!

But, sadly, bad behavior isn’t limited to the holiday gathering alone. It can begin with disagreements about who’ll host, who’ll be invited, whether to do a sit-down dinner or a buffet and whether the good china or paper plates are the right table setting. And that is certainly not an exhaustive list!

If you want to enjoy the holidays, you need to have a realistic idea of what is doable given your particular situation. Consider these ideas:

• You can’t make everyone happy and you shouldn’t be disappointed about that.
  Some family members don’t like each other and if that is the case in your family, don’t make the mistake of thinking it’ll be different this year unless you take preemptive action. If you think there is a chance that the “difficult” person will listen, consider having a conversation about the offending behaviors. Try not to review past transgressions, rather, focus on the upcoming opportunities to be more congenial. If the difficult person won’t listen, consider dropping him/her from the guest list.

• Tradition is important until it doesn’t work anymore, then have the courage to start new traditions.
  When my sister first married, she and her husband traveled every year both to her husband’s family and to ours, thousands of miles from where they were living and from each other. They continued the tradition when their first daughter was born and kept it going even after their second child came along. Each year, it became more difficult ─ their visiting time was limited at each family, the children tended to pick up airborne germs in the crowded airplanes and the cost was outrageous. Finally, they decided that it was time to make a change ─ they started alternating so that they visited only one family each year. While they wished they could be in two places each year, the reality was that they weren’t enjoying the holidays much at all doing things the way they had done them before. Their situation was different. We all got over it.

• Plan ahead.
  If you know that your children won’t eat Aunt Sarah’s luscious leg of lamb, ask her ahead of time if you can bring along something for them that they will eat. If you are traveling, pack some games or toys that will keep them busy and happy. If you know they tend to melt down at 8:00 PM, perhaps you can negotiate an earlier start time.

• Appreciate the stresses others may be feeling.
  Most people (even the most difficult of family members) aspire to enjoy the holidays. While it may not seem like it, they probably don’t wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I’ll do my best to make someone miserable today, and I’ll give myself extra points it that person is related to me!”. They have their own perspectives and feelings; the more you try to listen to their concerns, the better your chances to reach agreements that work for both of you. That’s a gift that will long outlast the leftovers!

TAGS: bad behavior, Families, holidays, LinkedIn

A reader writes:

I am a woman working with a big male-dominated team (30+ members) in an IT company. Only four in the entire team are women. The male colleagues often hang out together, have Friday parties and often short picnics. When any new male member joins the team, he is invited to the parties immediately. Once, a female colleague tried joining them, but she was immensely discouraged.

I understand that they discuss team politics and issues in these parties, and often make comments about the female colleagues. Often, they share their opinions about others in the team and “office news” too. This leads to a huge informal information flow between the males from which the females have been kept out.

This has led to a situation where I and my female colleagues are feeling quite left out. The male colleagues feel like they are buddies, and I am fairly sure their interaction is influencing some important decisions within the team on work sharing, appraisals and promotions.

I would like to hear your advice on how to deal with such a situation.

You sound frustrated and I can certainly empathize. The men in your office certainly do seem to be excluding women from their informal gatherings and, if that is the case, it is insensitive at best and potentially illegal at worst.  So, what to do?

Because I don’t know enough about the company culture, the personalities or the history about how and why this situation evolved, I can offer only some general advice:

1. Don’t over-exaggerate the value of these “boys’ nights”. They may be a lot less worth attending than they seem and it’s hard to know what really goes on since you’re not there. The true impact may only be a hang-over.
2. It’s hard to be comfortable in a group when you know you’re not wanted so don’t push too hard to be invited to the informal gatherings the guys organize. Imagine how you and the women with whom you work will feel even if you do get invited ─ just because you are in the room doesn’t mean you’ll be welcome. Nor does it mean that your male colleagues will share information with you. In fact, trying to push your way in (even if you were successful somehow, which is highly unlikely) could result in increased tension.
3. For the reason explained in #2, a sincere invitation is the only one worth anything. If you are convinced that you and the women with whom you work are missing out on important information, how can you wrangle a sincere invitation? Is there one man who is the leader, either officially or unofficially? If so, perhaps you or one of your female colleagues who has a good relationship with him could have a conversation with him about the situation to better understand what’s going on, why and what to do about it. Perhaps other women can also reach out to other men they think they can influence.
4. If you are convinced you will be retired before you receive a sincere invitation to “boys’ night”, why not organize your own gathering but invite your male colleagues? Be sure to approach your male colleagues as individuals, leaning on existing relationships to improve the chances that they’ll attend.
5. I’m not sure how their interaction is influencing appraisals and promotions unless management is also attending these gatherings; in that case, you and your female colleagues may want to have a conversation with the boss to apprise him of your collective concerns. If things continue as they are after that conversation, you may want to alert your HR department.

Readers, any other ideas?

TAGS: excluded, inclusion, LinkedIn, tough situation

Back in April, I met a woman at a conference I attended, I’ll call her Laurie.  As a follow up to our very pleasant conversation, when I got back to my office, I sent her a copy of Her Place at the Table. To my surprise (and, I must admit to my momentary chagrin) I never received any acknowledgement from Laurie that she received the book.  Then, last week, I received a lovely note from her; she wrote that she too had enjoyed our conversation and thanked me for the book. The letter was dated April 22 and postmarked the same day – she wrote it soon after she received the book.  The U.S. mail had let us down.  That realization caused me to remember just how important it is to ascribe good intentions to people.

Most people do (or at least try to do) the right thing. When their behavior disappoints us, it is helpful to withhold judgment until it is clear that there isn’t a good explanation.

Some thoughts to help build stronger relationships:

• If you’ve reached out to someone and received no response, consider what else may have gone wrong.
  As in my story about Laurie above, there may be a very good reason you haven’t heard back. For example, an unanswered email may have been caught in the recipient’s spam filter, gone to an inactive email address or otherwise failed to reach him/her. Alternatively, as has sometime happened to even the most organized and disciplined of us, it may have simply languished in the well-meaning but very busy recipient’s Inbox having slipped through the cracks. Resend it and if you still get no response, pick up the phone.

• When you hear “no” to a request you think is reasonable, consider why the person you asked won’t go along.
  He or she probably has a rationale that makes sense from his/her perspective. Don’t be reluctant to ask why; understanding the reasons may enable you to propose a different solution that will meet your needs as well as those of the other person.

• If someone you’re meeting is late, don’t jump to the conclusion she’s rude.
  The traffic may have been worse than usual due to an accident, the bus may have broken down or he may have had an unforeseeable client emergency. Any or all of those situations may have been further complicated by a cell phone battery failure. Take a deep breath and give the undoubtedly already stressed latecomer a break.

Of course, if you see patterns of behavior that adversely affect you, you need to acknowledge that too and decide how to handle it. It may be that this particular relationship isn’t worth nurturing. But first, give people the benefit of the doubt!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, LinkedIn

I read an article last week in NY Times that reminded me of the importance of being prepared to negotiate with health-care providers on your own behalf or on behalf of someone you love. When facing a health crisis, we are understandably often completely dependent on our doctors to make informed health care decisions.

Yet, these are the days of medical specializations and harried doctors. The impact? Very few of us have a General Practitioner “at the end of the bed” as my dear friend, a physician herself, describes it to help us navigate the treatment choices we face and hard decisions we must make when a serious health situation arises.

So, like it or not, you must take charge of the situation.  Some ideas:

• Learn as much as you can about the situation.
  There is a wealth of information on the internet ─ so much that it can be overwhelming so stay focused on well known and respected health sites. Start at the National Health Information Center and drill down from there. A commercial but well credentialed site is WebMD . Use this data as a way to create a list of questions you’d like your doctor to answer, nothing more. Your doctor is the professional, not you, no matter how excellent your research skills are.

• Two sets of ears are better than one.
  If you’re the patient, ask a friend or relative to accompany you to important doctor’s appointments so that you can both listen to the information.. If you’re the helper, be sure to allow the patient privacy by sitting in the waiting room during examinations but offering to sit in the doctor’s office while the doctor discusses the results.

• Bring a list of medications the patient is taking.

• Take notes when the doctor speaks ─ chances are you’ll need to refer to them later.

• Ask your doctor to repeat or further clarify information you did not understand.

• Ask for a copy of your test results and other records.
  If you need to see other doctors, this can save you time and money as well as the possible aggravation of repeating tests unnecessarily.

• Pick one physician whose specialty is most relevant and ask him/her to coordinate with the other doctors involved to be sure they are all in the loop as needed.

• Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor you are going to seek a second opinion if you feel you need one.
  This is not an affront to your doctor, competent doctors encourage such due diligence.

• Don’t be afraid to say “no” to a test or procedure you aren’t convinced will help.
  Keep an open mind but don’t just go along to be a “good” patient.

• Keep a journal with as much detail as you can.
  While it may seem as though you’ll never forget, chances are that a written record of dates and symptoms, etc. will come in handy.

As scary and intimidating as it is, nobody has more invested in your health or the health of your loved ones than you do.  Negotiate the best possible outcome.

TAGS: doctors, health, LinkedIn, treatment

A while ago, I wrote a post about keeping your personal life private. But what can you do if you’ve already made the mistake of sharing too much information? Consider this dilemma posed by a reader (edited):

Hi. True confession time. I’m an assistant manager and over the last year, I’ve been a total idiot: sharing the things you mentioned about my private life.

Divorce, medical problems, problems with my daughter. I did this with subordinates I should have NEVER confided in. The big boss is retiring soon and passing the baton to me, so to speak and I’ve made a MESS that unfortunately has stained my reputation here. I get a lot of disrespect from the other employees who will be working under me. I feel that they know too much.

I wish I could go back with an eraser and erase their minds but it is too late. Was I mentally ill at the time I did all that revealing and chatting with them??? I hate myself for that! I feel I have spoiled the chance at being an effective manager with them.

What can I do now besides keeping my mouth shut about my personal life, which I have started doing. Or is it too late? Should I resign and turn over a new leaf somewhere else? I have been with my company 16 years.

I’d appreciate any advice that would help me. I do realize the error of my ways and now need advice on what to do about it. Thanks.

Here’s how I responded:

What’s done is done. Time to move on. Your situation is complicated but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

Suggest that you think about having one-on-one conversations with people who work for you, focusing on their careers and how you plan to support them.

Once people understand that you are on their side and want to develop them, they will probably be only too happy to forget the past. What they may be concerned about is whether your personal problems will overshadow them; you will have to turn that perception around.

If someone brings something personal up that you’ve shared with them, I’d recommend that you deflect it. You might say something like, “Thanks for your concern but that is behind me now. Let’s spend our time figuring out the best way to get this work done without having to stay late.”

It won’t be easy but demonstrating your competence (and concern as a leader) is the way to reinvent yourself in the eyes of your co-workers.

The reality is that once you make a mistake like this woman did, you have to re-negotiate the relationship.  In order to be an effective leader, you must have and use power wisely and well. While she now does have positional power (she is or soon will be the boss), her personal power has suffered because her vulnerabilities are public.  She’ll have to regain her standing one colleague at a time – and negotiation is the way to do that.

TAGS: LinkedIn. recovering from mistakes, privacy, too much information

Eilene Zimmerman wrote a terrific article this week for CBS MoneyWatch about negotiating for a raise despite the tough economy.  She included my ideas about why you may be in a better position than you realize to ask for an increase:

• If you have picked up the work of colleagues who’ve been laid off, you are doing more work so are more valuable to the organization.

• Your manager may be under a hiring freeze which means that she may not be able to replace people who leave ─ so she’d prefer that you, as a current employee stay with the company, and more specifically, with the department.

• It takes time and effort to get someone ramped up ─ your manager may not want to invest what it would take to train someone else to take over your role.

Yet, you still have to plan carefully and proceed cautiously if you are going to ask for a raise.  It can be a “career limiting move” ─ or even worse ─ to use the wrong tone or approach.
Steps you can take to best position yourself to succeed:

• Figure out the right number – what are others with similar skills and experience earning? Consider the industry, the size of your company and geography.

• Carefully build a business case for yourself – what have you accomplished to deserve a raise? Have you increased revenue? Reduced costs? Mitigated risk? Be as specific as possible about the value you have produced; quantify your results.

• Ask without apology, but pleasantly. Never threaten unless you are prepared to make good on the threat – and even then, why burn bridges?

While it’s not a raise – and money in your pocket today, I also suggest people think beyond money. Consider things that don’t cost your employer money yet can benefit you. For example, a fancier title, more flexibility, more responsibility….these times can present opportunities that may not exist when things are good. 


You should also think about the things that may come out of another budget bucket, e.g. money for professional development/training may be budgeted centrally and easier to tap into than your own boss’s shrunken budget.


Even if you do all of the above as well as other actions we’ve suggested in other posts on this subject, be prepared for “no”. But remember, “no” is not necessarily, as Regis Philblin would say, you boss’s “final answer”.

TAGS: difficult economy, LinkedIn, raises