I had the pleasure of meeting with Melanie Billings-Yun and a client of hers last week. Melanie’s written a book called Beyond Dealmaking (which I highly recommend) and is an expert on cross cultural negotiations. She’s lived in London, Paris, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Seoul, Indonesia and Singapore and has first hand experience of how tricky it can be to bridge the cultural divide.

Melanie made the point that negotiating success in a global world is all about understanding and respecting people’s both people’s customs and sensibilities. For example, her book includes a story about Choi, a Korean businessman whose meat importing company had been purchasing meat from a single supplier in Texas for many years. The two companies had an excellent, mutually beneficial relationship. Then, in 1997, when the Asian financial crisis hit Korea and the resulting drop in the value of the Korean currency against the dollar, Choi needed an accommodation from his U.S. supplier. He needed to delay acceptance of the merchandise until orders from his customers picked up and his cash flow improved. The supplier refused, responding through a lawyer’s letter that demanded Choi fulfill the contract as written. Shocked and dismayed, Choi consulted with Melanie. She explained that he shouldn’t take the letter personally ─ sometimes companies go into “autopilot” contract compliance mode in situations like this. But Choi did take it personally, particularly because he had welcomed these supplier into his home when they had visited Korea. Melanie helped him to renegotiate the terms of the contract to those he could manage; he fulfilled his obligations but refused to do any further business with the company.

Refusing to make an accommodation for a business partner in a tight spot usually isn’t the smartest thing to do if you want to continue to do business, regardless of the cultural considerations. But, when dealing with someone who holds the perspective that once you’ve been to his home, you’re a friend, adds a whole new layer of expectations.

As the world continues to shrink, do your homework when dealing with people from other countries, regardless of whether they are colleagues or clients. Pay attention to things that can send messages you didn’t intend. For example, in Asian cultures when someone hands you a business card, it is considered rude to put the card away without taking the time to carefully read it first. Asking yourself, “Who knew?” after making a gaffe like this won’t enhance your image!

Readers, what tips can you share with us from your cross-cultural experiences?

TAGS: Books, cross-cultural, global, LinkedIn

A long time ago (before email so a very long time ago), I worked with a woman who was a terrific mentor, leader and coach. One of the things she did consistently was to keep track of days when I had an important client meeting and take the time to leave an encouraging voicemail message to let me know she was thinking of me. She’d personalize the message by pointing out specific reasons that she knew I’d be successful. I can tell you those messages made all the difference to me ─ I walked into many tough meetings feeling self-confident and prepared because Jan had left me a message.

I try to do the same for others now. When someone mentions an upcoming date important to them for some reason, I put it on my calendar and set a reminder for the day before. When the time is right, I leave a voicemail or send an email letting them know that I’m thinking about them. I’ve taken Jan’s lesson one step further and applied it to family and friends as well as colleagues. But as I write that I realize she probably did that too!

More recently, a woman with whom I’m working in a mentoring program for college seniors mentioned that she noted the date her mentee was taking the LSAT and sent him an email the night before to wish him well.  The other mentors thought that was a terrific idea and now it’s been incorporated into the program as a best practice.

Something easy to do that means a lot. Who’d appreciate knowing you are rooting for them?

TAGS: Coaching, encouraging others, friendship, LinkedIn, mentoring

Jackie is an attractive, 35 year old woman who’s been dating Dave for the last three years. They have discussed marriage – often. But Dave is still not ready although he is 36 years old, gainfully employed and legally free to marry. After their last conversation about the subject, Jackie told him that since she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship─ a ring─ that it was finally time for her to break it off for good. Dave protested, assuring her that he loved her but couldn’t commit to marriage just yet. Jackie stood her ground and told him that, while she wished it could be different, that breaking-up was the only solution.

Jackie and Dave had broken up before over this subject but it didn’t stick. They would find each other online at the same time and re-engage by chatting via AOL Instant Messenger. A few chats later, they’d be back together. This time though, Jackie wanted to prevent herself from falling back into the usual pattern so she uninstalled the AIM software from her computer. She hasn’t seen Dave in months and is now dating someone else.

What Can We Learn From Jackie?

• Know what you want.
  If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it. You shouldn’t “settle” with regard to things that are important to you.
• Don’t expect that people will read your mind; you have to communicate what you want.
  While you may think your interests are completely clear, don’t assume that the person with whom you are trying to reach agreement gets it. Don’t take chances, tell him/her.
• Help yourself
  Think about the patterns of behavior that have led you in the wrong direction in the past and change them. While you can surely figure out another way to get yourself back into the same bad situation, at least it won’t be as easy.

I don’t mean to minimize the heart break that this kind of situation causes; it’s been a long time but I remember well how it feels to be involved in a break up. Yet, sometimes there’s “nothing behind Door #2″. Let’s Make a Deal was a TV game show where the contestant had to choose one of three closed doors to open; often, the host would try to raise the stakes by offering more prizes if the contestant would give up the door he/she had originally picked. Very few people did. They stuck with their original selection even when another of the two doors was opened to reveal the grand prize. People get stuck, often stubbornly sticking to a person that they know is not the right one. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it’s best to move on.

TAGS: break-up, LinkedIn, relationships

Frequent readers of  The Thin Pink Line know that I’m adamant about the critical importance of building and maintaining relationships — even those from which you think you have nothing to gain.  Let me share with you a personal story that exemplifies why.

As many of you know, Carol and I spent much of last year polishing a proposal for a book tentatively titled, Walking the Thin Pink Line.  In fact, many of you contributed insights and anecdotes through a survey we conducted, which we wove into the proposal.  When we felt we finally had it “right” our literary agent, Bob Silverstein, began “shopping” the book to major publishers and Carol and I considered the options presented to us.

In the midst of all this, Roger Scholl, an editor at Broadway Books (a division of Random House) sent me a manuscript for a cover quote.  I had received manuscripts from him and his colleague Talia Krohn in the past and always obliged with positive remarks.  It wasn’t hard — they sent me well-written books and I was happy to help other authors sell their books.  I never met Talia or Roger, only corresponded with them via e-mail.  In response to my latest cover quote, Roger sent me a very nice e-mail and in passing I mentioned it to Bob and asked if he knew Roger. He didn’t but suggested we send our proposal to him before making any decisions about who to sell it to.   

At first I was hesitant.  The “nice girl” in me didn’t want Roger to think I only provided him with quotes in exchange for doing something for me.  But Bob convinced me that sending the proposal along to Roger wouldn’t hurt since it seemed as if I had built a cordial relationship with him.  Roger didn’t want to buy our proposal, but he did want what all publishers are looking for these days — a “breakthrough” book.  Something new and fresh.  He and Talia asked if Carol and I would consider writing another in the Nice Girls series — one called Nice Girls Don’t Win at Life: 99 Ways to Get the Respect You Deserve, The Success You’ve Earned, and the Things You Want. 

Carol and I met with Roger and Talia to discuss the concept and we agreed that their ideas would create an even better book than the one we originally envisioned.  Within just a few weeks we ironed out the details, signed a contact, and are now busy writing our new book for publication in Spring, 2011.  We believe it will be a breakthrough book, helping women to learn the skills needed to get what they most want from life — much the same as we provide work-related coaching tips  to you each week in The Thin Pink Line.   

I share this story with you because it’s a wonderful example of why you should spend part of each day building relationships — even with people you’ve never met or spoken with.  When someone asks a favor of you, do it.  Go out of your way to help others.  Don’t burn any bridges.  You never know which relationship will be the one you need in the future and you can never have too many relationships forged through goodwill and a generosity of spirit.

TAGS: Broadway Books, building relationships, Nice Girls Don't Win at Life

Relationships can be over-rated.

I’m not referring to romantic relationships, emotional connections with family members, or even the ways we relate with colleagues and clients. But we can often waste time and energy trying to build relationships with those with whom we should be having merely pleasant transactions.

Think about making a big purchase, let’s say a car. How would you describe your ideal outcome from this kind of interaction?

Most people would describe a successful interaction as one wherein you get the car you want for a fair price (of course, you’ve done your homework before you leave home). While you certainly are polite, you are not terribly concerned about the tenor of your ongoing relationship with the car salesperson. Why? Because you realize that he doesn’t have to like you, he simply has to treat you fairly. You are realistic enough to know that he is there to sell cars, you are there to buy one. Neither of you is there to make a new friend.

Why is this so important to keep in mind? Armed with this mental model, you will:

• be better prepared to enter into the inevitable price conversation
• not be pressured to make a decision before you are ready to do so
• able to walk away if you don’t get a very good price

Contrast the transactional situations above with the need to build relationships (even shallow ones) with those with whom you have an ongoing connection:

• While she may never become your best friend, it’s helpful to cultivate a relationship with your child’s teacher, even if just until June rolls around. You’ll do what you can to support your child
• With the receptionist at the dentist’s office who is the gatekeeper to an appointment time that works for you
• With your landlord who has the power to affect your right to “quiet enjoyment” of your apartment

And those most important in our lives, personally or professionally, kicks the importance of relationship building up a more than few notches.

One key to success in building successful relationships is to avoid trying to build them with everyone and anyone. Ask yourself:

1. What is my desired outcome?
2. Can this person satisfy what I need?
3. Who has the positional power in this situation?
4. How long do I expect to be interacting with him/her?
5. What’s the risk if we don’t reach an agreement?
6. How likely is it that our paths will cross again in the future?

Differentiate situations that deserve relationship and spend your time and effort accordingly.

TAGS: LinkedIn

It’s been a memorable decade. And certainly, the last year has been interesting.

We’ve gone from worrying that Y2K would cause our computers to melt down to wishing that something, anything, would cause our blackberries to stop delivering incoming messages at dizzying speed.

As much as some things have changed, others stay the same; we still take time at the end of the year to make resolutions for the year ahead.

As a chronic resolution maker ─ and breaker, this year, I’m going to take a different approach.

You may be familiar with the acronym S.M.A.R.T. as it relates to setting business goals? I think the process works equally well with personal goals, which is exactly what resolutions are.

1. Specific: Clear goals about what you want to change, learn, do differently, etc. makes it more likely that you will be able to accomplish it.
2. Measurable: How will you know when you have been successful?If your goal is to lose 20 pounds, the scale is a good way to measure success.  If, however, your objective is to build a better relationship with your significant other, think about how you will access your progress.  Perhaps you can institute regular checkpoints where you discuss how things are going.  Or perhaps you keep a journal to track how many times you disagree with one another and rate yourself regarding how well you handle these difficult situations.
3. Achievable: Goals should be stretch but not completely out of reach.  If you set your sights too high, you will be setting yourself up for failure. Too low and it’s not worth worrying about.Another issue is that if you can’t control the progress toward the goal yourself, then revise the goal to one that you can control.  For example, if your resolution is to pay down your credit card debt but your husband keeps charging, then perhaps you need to decide how much of your current, collective debt each of you will be responsible for and then negotiate with one another how to manage making the payments.
4. Results- Oriented: It’s the result that counts, not the intent.  This will keep you from making excuses to yourself about why keeping your resolution was too difficult and to award yourself points just for effort.
5. Timebound: There has to be an end in sight.  Be realistic about the right time frame to assign to any resolution

My plan is to use S.M.A.R.T. criteria to evaluate any of my resolutions. If the resolution doesn’t pass muster with each,  I’m moving on.

Hope this process helps you too; please let me know if you use it.

All the best in 2010.

TAGS: achieving goals, LinkedIn, resolutions

Back in April, I met a woman at a conference I attended, I’ll call her Laurie.  As a follow up to our very pleasant conversation, when I got back to my office, I sent her a copy of Her Place at the Table. To my surprise (and, I must admit to my momentary chagrin) I never received any acknowledgement from Laurie that she received the book.  Then, last week, I received a lovely note from her; she wrote that she too had enjoyed our conversation and thanked me for the book. The letter was dated April 22 and postmarked the same day – she wrote it soon after she received the book.  The U.S. mail had let us down.  That realization caused me to remember just how important it is to ascribe good intentions to people.

Most people do (or at least try to do) the right thing. When their behavior disappoints us, it is helpful to withhold judgment until it is clear that there isn’t a good explanation.

Some thoughts to help build stronger relationships:

• If you’ve reached out to someone and received no response, consider what else may have gone wrong.
  As in my story about Laurie above, there may be a very good reason you haven’t heard back. For example, an unanswered email may have been caught in the recipient’s spam filter, gone to an inactive email address or otherwise failed to reach him/her. Alternatively, as has sometime happened to even the most organized and disciplined of us, it may have simply languished in the well-meaning but very busy recipient’s Inbox having slipped through the cracks. Resend it and if you still get no response, pick up the phone.

• When you hear “no” to a request you think is reasonable, consider why the person you asked won’t go along.
  He or she probably has a rationale that makes sense from his/her perspective. Don’t be reluctant to ask why; understanding the reasons may enable you to propose a different solution that will meet your needs as well as those of the other person.

• If someone you’re meeting is late, don’t jump to the conclusion she’s rude.
  The traffic may have been worse than usual due to an accident, the bus may have broken down or he may have had an unforeseeable client emergency. Any or all of those situations may have been further complicated by a cell phone battery failure. Take a deep breath and give the undoubtedly already stressed latecomer a break.

Of course, if you see patterns of behavior that adversely affect you, you need to acknowledge that too and decide how to handle it. It may be that this particular relationship isn’t worth nurturing. But first, give people the benefit of the doubt!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, LinkedIn

I’m an incurable romantic – except when it comes to money. 

So, if you’re getting married and don’t want the romance to fade when the wedding and honeymoon are over – give each other the gift of a copy of your credit report and a conversation with a certified financial planner.

Divorce lawyers say money issues – not sex, not infidelity – are the top reasons for the breakup of a marriage.  So help make your marriage last by assessing your and your intended’s assets, debts and other liabilities before walking down the aisle.  That means laying your financials on the table:  how much you each make and pay for everything including car notes, student loans, credit cards, child support, manicures, rounds of golf and anything else that is a recurring expense in your life. 

Financial specialists encourage couples to “know the score” – each other’s credit score that is – so there’s no misunderstanding about each other’s financial circumstances.  Those scores will impact your goals and habits.

Some money specialists even say you need to look at each other as assets – to better assess what your financial life together represents.   Are you a spender and he’s a saver?  Do you have an important goal in mind – like buying a home in the next year but he’s content living in an apartment because he’d rather spend money to travel?

A  pre-marital counseling session or two with a certified financial advisor will help you both get to the heart of the matter regarding love and money:  get your own financial house in order before you say “I do”. 

Money experts say among married couples usually one spouse has good credit and the other doesn’t.   If  that’s the case with you and yours, a financial counseling session before walking down the aisle will help you both see why  the “good credit spouse” should be the Chief Financial Officer of your new household.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: love and money, Marriage

When it comes to money – what kind of saver are you?

Several years ago I came across a great, straightforward answer to that question.  It was in financial education literature from the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas which is one of the network of twelve banks and their branches that make up the Federal Reserve system (http://www.dallasfed.org/ca/wealth/pdfs/wealth.pdf)

The publication outlined four types of savers:

• The planner saver – a person who controls spending and budgets to save.
• The struggler saver – someone who has trouble staying afloat financially and finds it difficult to save.
• The denier saver – a person who sees no reason for a budget because they don’t see themselves in trouble financially.
• The impulsive saver – a person who unfortunately spends today like there’s no tomorrow because their attitude is that tomorrow will take care of itself.

So, what type saver are you?

To accumulate, grow and preserve your money takes discipline.  While it’s important to have a savings account, don’t forget to get on track to also have an “emergency fund“:  3-6 months worth of living expenses (12 months worth if you’re self-employed) in an account where you can easily access the money if there’s a critical need. 

Regardless the type saver you are – you can improve your savings goal by remembering this bottom line:  you must always earn more than you spend.  Or said another way, let spending less be your goal.  That’s a healthy state of fiscal readiness and takes your savings to another level: investing. 

If saving to invest and investing to build wealth is your goal – http://showmomthemoney.com/personalgrowth/7traits.htm take a look at what’s described as the traits of very wealthy people and how those traits translate into building wealth and sustaining it. 

Wealthy people tend to be:

• Persistent.  For anyone, on the way to achieving a goal, you will face obstacles, right?  Wealth  is achieved by negotiating one’s way around or through numerous obstacles persistently.
• Businessmen and women or investors in businesses.  Think about it.  The richest people we’ve heard about all own companies and when asked say – to create wealth, you must involve yourself in business because that’s where the money is.
• Innovative.  Innovation ensures you’ll be among the ones who come up with new ideas and new ideas can create wealth.  They tend to do what they absolutely love and love it so much that they forget they’re actually working.
• Leverage.  They know when to let go and they know not to try and do everything themselves.

It appears that wealthy people also share the philosophy that to whom much is given, much is expected – and therefore share the trait of giving back by supporting causes in which they believe.   Finally, they value and participate in continuing education since extremely wealthy people tend to believe that the greatest asset in the world is your mind.

Here’s to your health and wealth!

TAGS: improving savings goals, saving money, traits of wealthy people, types of savers

An AOL survey* of 4,000 email users in the U.S. taken in 2008 showed that almost half of the respondents admitted they were “hooked” on email. And, they were so addicted that:

• It caused them family problems ─11% admitted secretly peeking at email when their spouse or other family members weren’t looking
• It distracted them in sacred places ─ 15% admitted checking email in church.
• It probably caused them health problems─ nearly 60% fessed up to checking email in the bathroom.

Okay, that was probably too much information!

What to do if you are one of the email abusers?

• Consider the message you are sending when you satisfy your email craving during meetings, family dinners and at other inappropriate moments: “Email is more important to me than being present in this moment.” Or, or a more personal level, “Regardless of what we are doing, I’m open to being engaged by someone else who may be more interesting or important to me than you are.” Is that the message you intend to convey?

• Think about your health. The constant pressure to read and respond to email adds stress to our already stressful lives. I don’t have a study to prove it but trust me, it’s true.

• Realize that you’ll no doubt make a mistake at some point. Consider the post Lois wrote the other day about the misunderstandings that can happen when communicating via email. Now, overlay the danger of surreptitiously sending an email while your significant other isn’t looking! If you don’t make an error in the substance itself, chances are you will make a mistake in the tone.

For all those reasons and others that you can probably add, control your urge to email. Step away from that Blackberry!

*Source: Death by Information Overload, Harvard Business Review, September 2009

TAGS: business communication, email, LinkedIn