Last week, I visited with my sister and brother-in-law, both university professors. Over dinner, they recounted stories about students who don’t attend class, do very poorly on exams and, when the final test and grade is imminent, show up at office hours pleading for a passing grade (or, in the case of one particularly memorable student, a B, which he needed to pull up his overall average so that he could graduate). Hmmm…Of course, whether these students graduate or not, chances are they’ll enter the work force with the same sense of entitlement.

Jean M. Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University and W. Keith Campbell, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Georgia have joined forces to call attention to what they describe as a national epidemic – narcissism. Their excellent book, The Narcissism Epidemic, is grounded in research that may shock you regarding just how widespread the problem is. And it is growing —Twenge and Campbell report that in 2006, two-thirds of college students scored higher on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Inventory than college students had twenty years earlier. And they add:

“The upswing in narcissism appears to be accelerating: the increase between 2000 and 2006 was especially steep. The changes were especially large for women; men still score higher on narcissism than women, but young women are closing the gap.”

The book makes the point that not only does the narcissism epidemic affect the narcissists themselves, it impacts the workplace and society more broadly. Who among us hasn’t been frustrated by people whose inflated sense of self means that we have to wait in a line while they blithely go directly to the front, listen to their stories while keeping our own to ourselves or do more work (or less interesting work) while they grab the glory?

What steps can you take to combat the problem? Given the prevalence of narcissism in the workplace, chances are you won’t be able to “just say no” to working with those affected with the disorder. So, consider offering the gift of feedback. If you are in a position of power, you have a responsibility to use your authority for good. Offer specific and timely feedback regarding how the narcissist’s behavior has affected the team’s efforts and the department’s results. Even if you’re not the boss, think about ways you might be able to deliver a message.

• Role model the behavior you wish to see. In some cases, the narcissist has no idea of alternatives to his or her typical behavior. You can show them other ways of working.
• When the narcissist claims credit for the department’s success, remind him or her about the contributions of other team members.
• If the narcissist interrupts others while they are speaking, tell them to hold the thought until it is their turn to have the floor.
• Reward the narcissist when he or she behaves more appropriately. Let them know you noticed.

And, If you are a parent, do your part at home too. don’t confuse helping your children to build healthy self-esteem with raising them to think the world revolves around them.

And I encourage all readers to read Twenge’s blog at Psychology Today.

TAGS: co-workers, colleagues, Generational issues, LinkedIn, narcissism

I heard a story last week that reminded me about the importance of having the right attitude. A woman recounted that she had spent the morning playing with her young children and, leaving them with a babysitter, the afternoon running errands. She went to the grocery store, the dry cleaner, the fish store and the drugstore, each time having extraordinarily pleasant interactions with the people she encountered. By the time she was finished, she was almost giddy because she’d had such a wonderful afternoon. After she arrived home, she glanced in the mirror. To her amazement, the whiskers and funny nose she’d drawn on her face while playing with her children in the morning still remained. People must have been reacting to her obvious sense of playfulness!

Although I am not suggesting you need to literally draw a happy face on your own, I do believe we often make things worse for ourselves by reacting badly when things don’t go the way we’d like them to. Clearly, we don’t control the outcomes of many things; what we can control is our reactions. And, our reactions make all the difference. Some ideas:

• Before you react, take a deep breath. Not only does the breath have a positive physical effect, it gives you time to think about how best to react.

• Think about the situation from the other person’s perspective. Most people don’t get up in the morning, look themselves in the mirror and vow to be miserable to others throughout the day (of course, there are some exceptions). People have their own rationales for behaving the way they do. If you try to put yourself in their place, you’ll be better able to empathize with them. Don’t confuse empathy with agreement however — you may still disagree, you’ll just do it more pleasantly if you are empathetic.

• Fake it till you feel it. Even if you’re not in the best mood, force yourself to smile or at least to keep your face neutral rather than frowning. Not only will you appear more pleasant to others but you may even for yourself.

Readers, what other things work for you?

TAGS: attitude, happiness, LinkedIn

Who should be the successor of a family owned business when the founders are no longer available, willing or capable of continuing to run it?  That’s definitely a mind over money matters choice. 

My friend and colleague Dawn Fotopulos, a much sought after small business advocate and coach is the Founder of Best Small Biz Help.com, The Solopreneur’s Lifeline(http://bestsmallbizhelp.com/meet-dawn-fotopulos/).  She says usually one or two people are in charge of the business and have been the ultimate decision makers and they must be willing to delegate authority before they’re ready to sell or turn the business over to be run by someone else.  Why?  Fotopulos says because such a transition requires a three year on-ramp/off-ramp time frame to do it successfully and suggests the following: 

• Think about succession at least three years before you want to transition
• Delegate authority and not just tasks to your key proven people
• Seriously consider non-family members as viable leaders of the business 

If you’re the founder of a family business, are facing this decision and considering appointing two people to run the company and use an accountant as a referee – Fotopulos says you might want to reconsider.  She is a firm believer that you can never have a 50/50 split in ownership. 

“It’s a recipe for disaster,” she says.  “Designating more than one owner in a succession plan doesn’t work.  Someone must ultimately be in charge.  That person needs to understand the mission of the business.  Although a business should be able to run independent of the founder,” she goes on to explain, “it only can when the owner delegates authority regarding decision making and not just delegate tasks.”

A succession plan takes time.  So does identifying the right person.  Mentoring a successor requires good, time consuming, on-the-job training, nurturing and giving adequate lead time for a smooth transition.  Most family business founders haven’t done that or identified their successor because they’re structured the business around themselves.  Even if the owner/leader has identified the person to succeed them, often they can’t let go or they don’t think far enough ahead to implement change and find that it’s a crisis that forces putting a succession plan into play.

Lost time is lost money.  Forward thinking about the transition of power is a bottom line issue.  Mind over money really matters when it comes to this decision.  It should be made from the mind of a good business owner rather than the heart of a hopeful parent/founder.

Fotopulos says the successor boss must be responsible for the business viability year in and year out.  The entrepreneurial generation (founders) made the sacrifices but need to be sure that when the second generation (adult children) takes over, their willingness or motivation often isn’t the same.  Thus the s suggestion to consider a longtime, loyal employee – a person who is considered your critical second in command – to become your successor.

When choosing the person to succeed you in your successfully run and profitable family business, as you consider who best can do that, remember:  It’s your money so take it personally (TM).  It applies here more than ever before.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: Communication Skills, entrepeneurs, financial planning, Women and Money

It’s a fact:  family owned businesses are a huge part of our country’s economy. 

It’s a fact:  family owned businesses usually come with built-in problems. 

It’s a fact:  experts say family owned businesses (generally) fail not because of economic issues but because family life and workplace life can create turmoil. 

Family owned businesses account for 60% of the nation’s employment, 78% of all new jobs and 50% of the country’s gross domestic product.  But a lot can go wrong in a family owned business so it’s important that we all understand these businesses’ unique struggles and support them because only about a third survives into the second generation. 

Family business success depends on forward-thinking and planning. The problem with family owned business succession plans is that the well-intended founder – the parent who made all the sacrifices – remembers the lean years while in most cases, the adult child, would-be successor doesn’t.  Instead, the child only recalls seeing over and over that Mom or Dad (or both) took risks, worked the hours, made the sacrifices and got the business to break even and have free cash flow. That’s why many 20-30 year family businesses – viable when the parents hand it over (usually to the son) – are run into the ground in two years. 

As my long time friend and colleague Dawn Fotopulos, a small business advocate explains:  “The bottom line is – it’s so hard to get a business profitable but takes just an ‘eye blink’ to destroy it and decades of hard work.” 

Fotopulos’ business is to improve the viability of small business in the United States. (http://www.smallbusinesshow2.com/dawn-fotopulos.html) She’s committed.  She knows what she’s talking about and definitely knows what she’s doing when it comes to educating small business owners for success. 

“The disconnect,” says Dawn, “is that the parents who made all of the sacrifices understand there are going to be lean years and tend to be conservative about how they spend their money.  They loathe spending money but want to give their kids everything they didn’t have.  They spoil the kids and the kids are of the mindset that the business gave them a nice life and is always going to be there.” 

There’s such truth in Dawn’s assessment.  When it comes to family owned businesses, the second generation isn’t of the frame of mind to save for a rainy day.  “When they take over the business”, Dawn says, “the mindset is often first that they must have the biggest and the best of everything – equipment, furniture, expensive environment – that the business may or may not need!”  She says too often she sees them start to run the cash position into the ground. “So if they lose a client or end up in a tough economic environment,” Dawn told me, “they can’t stand economic shocks.” 

It’s your money so take it personally ™ absolutely applies here.  In the case of a family owned business that’s failing, Dawn says part of the dilemma is pride.  Many in this generation wake up and say, “I deserve to have the best” and put themselves first instead of the business. “The family business must be viewed and treated like the third entity it is,” Dawn explains.  “The one that provides for them and their family and those they employ.” 

Next week:  Who should be the successor in a family owned business when the founders are no longer available, willing or capable of continuing to run it?   That’s definitely a mind over money matters choice. 

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: family businesses, family money, succession plans, Women and Money, work life balance

 A recent survey by Money Magazine found that 36% of people surveyed had at least one family member they considered “a mooch” – a person who was always asking for money but rarely repaid the loans. 

So what are you to do if you find yourself being asked to lend a money helping hand and are regularly “The Bank of Me for You” for someone you love?  It’s tough.  The terrain is tricky.  The emotions can get high quickly – especially if you say “no”. 

This post is part of a continuing conversation that began with my Thursday blog last week “Meeting Other People’s Money Needs:  Guilt or Obligation (http://thethinpinkline.com/category/women-and-money/ ) and the comments it generated. 

Comments »

1. Laura needs to realize she’s enabling her sister. Every time she hands over a dime, she is reinforcing to her sister that she (Laura) will always be there to help. Her sister is not experiencing any pain, and therefore has no reason to change her ways. Laura needs to cut her off. Tell her sister she’s having “financial problems” or whatever, and she won’t be able to provide anymore money “for a while”. And then *stick to it!* Yes she’ll feel guilty, and the sister will use the children to increase that guilt (“Well, I guess little Timmy won’t get that operation after all…”). But until her sister feels the pain necessary to make changes, she’ll continue to patronize the Bank of Laura. Comment by Debra — June 18, 2010 @ 9:50 am
2. Forgot to add: I don’t think budgeting for family will help. My educated guess is that the sister will start thinking of the budgeted amount as an allowance and spend more of her own money accordingly (“…because Laura’s paying the electric bill for me.”) Unexpected expenses will result in her asking Laura for “just a little more this month” … every month. Comment by Debra — June 18, 2010 @ 9:55 am
3. Hi Debra, I agree with you regarding Laura. She is enabling her sister. But as I wrote in my post, she feels a sense of obligation. Since I always work to meet a person wherever they are along their road to financial well-being, I wanted to provide Laura with real and doable ways to feel more in control and less put upon by her sister and family financially. Laura knows she is enabling her sister and has for years but that this is the first time she is consciously reaching out to figure out a way to stem the financial flow. As for the suggestion I made to her regarding budgeting the amount of money she’s willing to set aside for her family: since Laura is not yet ready to cut her sister off financially – at least she can say…”…I’ve already provided everything I can afford to give you this month.” The budget suggestion is more for Laura’s benefit than her sister’s. It will give her some control that can hopefully lead her to some concrete decisions regarding getting her sister from always wanting money from The Bank of Laura. Thanks for the comments, Debra. I know Laura will be reading this and hopefully be motivated to move quickly toward actually doing what you’ve suggested. Valerie Comment by Valerie Coleman Morris — June 18, 2010 @ 5:40 pm
4. Hi, I just wanted to write and praise your response to Laura. My husband and I do not have the highest combined income of our immediate family, but we are the ones who have mitigated our expenses and the ones who save. This means that we are usually the ones asked to help out “until a bonus” or until next pay day. We are paid back about 50% of the time. To be honest, we don’t mind that much. We like to be able to help out if someone needs it. If it got to be too frequent, or if the person seemed to demand instead of ask (as Laura’s sister appears to be doing) we might not be as comfortable with it.  Usually, when I read advice about this type of situation, people basically suggest cutting off others. This is impractical if one wants to keep relationships within family, not to mention doesn’t take into account that often people don’t mind small amounts of help, but just don’t like what the relationship has become. I liked your response, and just wanted to let you know that. We may have to keep the tips in mind if our own situation devolves into something like that! Thanks for the article!!  Comment by Bee — June 19, 2010 @ 11:39 pm

I think the comments show that this is a topic about which people take sides and feel quite passionate.  I make no judgments when it comes to the choice to give or not give money to family or friends because just saying ‘no’ can be tricky and difficult to just put into practice. 

In making suggestions on how to manage the family mooch or the worthy relative in need of a loan – I have but one basic rule and one caveat.  The rule:  the person who is “The Bank” should first be clear and deliberate about meeting their own financial needs and plans before extending a random or regular helping hand.  The caveat:  It’s your money so take it personally ™ and remember do not loan money you can’t afford to lose. 

Here’s to your health and wealth.

 A text message to me from a 40-year old female physician declared:  “See text below.  (The text she referred to read:  “Need $100 to cover me until the end of the month.  If you can’t do that, at least send enough for your nephew to get his hair cut for graduation this weekend.  Thanks.” )  Yet another demand from my sister that I give her money!  I can’t keep dealing with this.  It’s not right but I don’t know how to extricate myself.  Help!  Laura.” 

I followed up and spoke to Laura by phone.  She vented for about 10 minutes.  She told me that she regularly gave her sister money to buy food for herself and her two children; that she paid her mother’s car note and insurance premium; that she “had to come up with an immediate $600 last month” to cover the nursing home costs for her grandmother that were in arrears because her grandfather hadn’t kept up with payments which should have come from disability checks but used the money instead “for other things”.  Laura then returned to details about her sister and said while her sister makes $50,000 a year she is $40,000 in debt!  “What really upsets me,” Laura said angrily, “is that I feel guilty not giving her money when she asks for it!” 

Laura is a successful woman, a well-respected doctor, single and without children.  She asked that I help her get a mind over money matters mentality because her family just expected her to always cover expenses/needs/wants that they couldn’t.  “I’ve done well,” she told me again.  “I make a lot of money and I save it so that I can take care of myself.  My family reminds me of that each time there’s a money need in their lives that they want me to fill.  They’re not malicious about it – just unrelenting.  I can’t deal with this anymore!” 

The reality is Laura cannot afford to rescue everyone she loves.  The first suggestion I made is that she get clear about whether she was feeling guilt or obligation.  It was clearly the latter.  Because Laura is successful and her sister (by her own declaration) isn’t – Laura feels obligated to hand over money whenever her sister or other family member puts their hand out. 

Based on her sense of obligation which at least for now she feels she must fulfill, I made some basic, straightforward suggestions.  First and foremost, Laura should determine how much money a month she is going to budget/set aside for her family.  Determining the amount of this line item will help her feel more in control of the randomness with which she’s asked to provide money.  Have a serious conversation with her sister and insist on being given an accounting of anticipated monthly expenses and perhaps consider arranging direct payments for certain recurring bills for her sister (within the budget amount set aside for family) as well as for her grandmother’s nursing home care. 

The reality for Laura and others like her is that unless she establishes protocols and most importantly limits for family money requests – she will continue to be in the guilt game and paying the price.   I, of course, told her:  “Laura, It’s your money so take it personally ™.“   Laura says she understands the first step towards achieving this – begins with her.  Instead of getting angry about expected handouts she needs to get a plan and pay herself the compliment of being willing to help when she chooses without being made to feel guilty.  And her actions will underscore the importance of every member of the family who asks for her financial assistance – being expected to get educated about money skills and management as part of her requirements.   

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: financial planning, Women and Money

If you’re feeling stressed, it may make you feel better to know you’re not alone.  The Cleveland Clinic, one of the foremost medical institutions in the U.S., devotes a whole page on its site to the topic of women and stress and makes the point that women may be even more susceptible to it than men are for a number of reasons.

We are not helping ourselves though.  A recent study by Retrevo Gadgetology showed consumers are allowing their meetings, their meals and even more personal moments (let’s not get into exactly what that means ─ if you’re curious, check the chart related to the “We Interrupt This Dinner for an Important Message” section!) to be interrupted by messages.  Constant interruptions like these certainly don’t allow us the time and space to concentrate on whatever it is we’re doing.  And, as a result, we’re not as successful at it.

I think it’s time to power down ─ and give ourselves a break.  Readers, what do you think?

TAGS: interruptions, LinkedIn, reducing stress, stress

Bette Midler sang it best. And we know it’s true. Lots of research shows that not only is friendship emotionally rewarding but good for physical health as well. And I’ve been thinking about friendship these last few days for a couple of reasons.

The first is that I received flowers on Friday from a friend who sent them to celebrate good news I’d recently received. She’d already been very supportive of me throughout the experience ─ caring but not intrusive ─ so to receive this gorgeous arrangement on top of that caused me to tear up. It’s hard to describe how blessed I felt to be the recipient of that sort of kindness.

The second is a tea I attended over the weekend for a friend’s fortieth birthday. Given by three of her friends (and her mom), it was just lovely. Her friends from college (one flew to the East Coast from California to attend!), from work, from her M.B.A. degree days as well as those she’d met while volunteering her time were all there. We were only too pleased to try to reciprocate for the many wonderful things she’s done to build and maintain friendships with each of us.

What was the lesson for me? That you should always be open to allowing more friends into your life and your heart. Sadly, I very well might have missed friendships with these wonderful women. Why? Because one was a client and I believed that one should always keep a professional distance from clients. The other? I might have considered her a professional competitor rather than a potential friend had she not reached out to me. Happily, each of these friends taught me a lesson best summed up by American writer, Sarah Orne Jewett (The Country of the Pointed Firs , 1896):

“Yes’m, old friends is always best,’less you can catch a new one that’s fit to make an old one out of.”

TAGS: Friendships, Girlfriends, LinkedIn

I had the pleasure of meeting with Melanie Billings-Yun and a client of hers last week. Melanie’s written a book called Beyond Dealmaking (which I highly recommend) and is an expert on cross cultural negotiations. She’s lived in London, Paris, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Seoul, Indonesia and Singapore and has first hand experience of how tricky it can be to bridge the cultural divide.

Melanie made the point that negotiating success in a global world is all about understanding and respecting people’s both people’s customs and sensibilities. For example, her book includes a story about Choi, a Korean businessman whose meat importing company had been purchasing meat from a single supplier in Texas for many years. The two companies had an excellent, mutually beneficial relationship. Then, in 1997, when the Asian financial crisis hit Korea and the resulting drop in the value of the Korean currency against the dollar, Choi needed an accommodation from his U.S. supplier. He needed to delay acceptance of the merchandise until orders from his customers picked up and his cash flow improved. The supplier refused, responding through a lawyer’s letter that demanded Choi fulfill the contract as written. Shocked and dismayed, Choi consulted with Melanie. She explained that he shouldn’t take the letter personally ─ sometimes companies go into “autopilot” contract compliance mode in situations like this. But Choi did take it personally, particularly because he had welcomed these supplier into his home when they had visited Korea. Melanie helped him to renegotiate the terms of the contract to those he could manage; he fulfilled his obligations but refused to do any further business with the company.

Refusing to make an accommodation for a business partner in a tight spot usually isn’t the smartest thing to do if you want to continue to do business, regardless of the cultural considerations. But, when dealing with someone who holds the perspective that once you’ve been to his home, you’re a friend, adds a whole new layer of expectations.

As the world continues to shrink, do your homework when dealing with people from other countries, regardless of whether they are colleagues or clients. Pay attention to things that can send messages you didn’t intend. For example, in Asian cultures when someone hands you a business card, it is considered rude to put the card away without taking the time to carefully read it first. Asking yourself, “Who knew?” after making a gaffe like this won’t enhance your image!

Readers, what tips can you share with us from your cross-cultural experiences?

TAGS: Books, cross-cultural, global, LinkedIn

A long time ago (before email so a very long time ago), I worked with a woman who was a terrific mentor, leader and coach. One of the things she did consistently was to keep track of days when I had an important client meeting and take the time to leave an encouraging voicemail message to let me know she was thinking of me. She’d personalize the message by pointing out specific reasons that she knew I’d be successful. I can tell you those messages made all the difference to me ─ I walked into many tough meetings feeling self-confident and prepared because Jan had left me a message.

I try to do the same for others now. When someone mentions an upcoming date important to them for some reason, I put it on my calendar and set a reminder for the day before. When the time is right, I leave a voicemail or send an email letting them know that I’m thinking about them. I’ve taken Jan’s lesson one step further and applied it to family and friends as well as colleagues. But as I write that I realize she probably did that too!

More recently, a woman with whom I’m working in a mentoring program for college seniors mentioned that she noted the date her mentee was taking the LSAT and sent him an email the night before to wish him well.  The other mentors thought that was a terrific idea and now it’s been incorporated into the program as a best practice.

Something easy to do that means a lot. Who’d appreciate knowing you are rooting for them?

TAGS: Coaching, encouraging others, friendship, LinkedIn, mentoring