Why is it that so many Americans have a difficult time with smart, strong, and sometimes angry, Black women?   Has it ever occurred to them that Black women have good reason to be angry?  Comments like this one made by Ms. Obama, “For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country,” shouldn’t be feared or reviled but welcomed because they express what many others are thinking but are afraid to say.  Black women are more likely to be single Moms, live in poverty, and have a more difficult time getting their “corner offices” (forget about them getting the Oval Office for a while) than their White counterparts.  That alone would be enough to make me angry. 

As an executive coach I’ve seen first-hand the struggle Black women have in the workplace.  If they dare to express themselves in clear, no uncertain terms they’re labeled as “problem employees.”  Co-workers and management don’t quite know what to do with them.  But they’re not the problem, a society that wants all women — especially Black ones — to stay in their places with smiles on their faces is the problem.  Black women walk The Thin Pink Line every day — and more so than the rest of us. 

I guarantee you that Obama’s handlers, wanting to get their man elected, are going to expect Michelle to dumb down, quiet down, and settle down.  Laura Bush and Barbara Bush did.  Nancy Reagan exerted herself in stereotypically feminine ways that were acceptable.  And poor Pat Nixon just shrank into herself.  Even Hillary made herself scarce after the healthcare debacle.  Michelle scares people — and we need scaring.  Social change isn’t created by the meek but by the bold.  By those who have the courage to take risks and speak their minds.  Michelle’s voice will help not only Black women, but all Americans whose voices have been quieted by small minds with big mouths.  Whether or not you’re an Obama fan you should be encouraging Mrs. O to remain true to her beliefs and her values.  She’s out there widening the playing field for all of us. 

TAGS: Barbara Bush, Black women, Laura Bush, Michelle Obama, Nancy Reagan, Pat Nixon, women and anger

I was never a fan of Sex in the City, but based on box office revenues this past week-end a lot of women are.  Apparently Lauren Hutton is not one of them.  The morning DJ on my local oldies radio station, KRTH, said Hutton “lost it” on the Today Show so I decided to find out what that was all about. You can watch the segment by clicking here and decide for yourself.  Personally, I think she has strong feelings but wouldn’t say she lost it.  It’s a little like saying Hillary had a melt down in New Hampshire.  Why is it when a woman expresses strong feelings men can’t handle it?  If you really listen to Hutton, there are kernels of truth in what she says.  Is Sex and the City a realistic representation of women’s lives in 2008?  Is it purely entertainment?  Is it encouragement to women who are 40 + ? Or, as Hutton suggests, is it a manifestation of how men view women?  It’s your call. 

TAGS: Lauren Hutton, Sex in the City, The Today Show, women and anger

Dear Hillary:

I hope you won’t find it too familiar to call you by your first name.  Studying you over the past year or so has caused me to feel as if I know you personally - so much more so than after you spent 8 years in the White House as First Lady.  I think that was your intention - to allow Americans to see who you are, not only what you stand for.  Once you opened yourself up to us, we opened our hearts to you.  What a wonderful leadership lesson for both men and women - vulnerability is not a liability but an asset. 

Thank you, Hillary, for the dedication you demonstrated to securing the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.  Do I agree with your stance on all of the issues?  No.  But do I respect and admire you for your selfless dedication to public service and your willingness to put yourself on the line, open to criticism, day after day, month after month?  You bet.  I don’t know how many of us would be willing to show the same courage under fire. 

You showed us in real-time what it means to walk The Thin Pink Line.  Moms, entrepreneurs, business professionals, volunteers, and even authors have learned invaluable lessons in a new brand of feminine leadership from how you handled yourself (and others) during the campaign.  Some of those lessons come from the myriad things you did right — others come from what you could have done differently.  Here’s what I know I will take away from your campaign — and what I hope other women will as well.

1.  We can be strong leaders without losing one ounce of our femininity.  You delivered tough messages fairly and kindly.  You played the game like a woman without playing the gender card.   

2.  We don’t have to acquiesce to louder male voices asking us to relinquish our goals.  By adhering to your vision to compete until every vote was cast and every voice was heard you persevered despite calls to step down.  

3.  Leaders have not only the right, but the responsibility to exhibit their emotions.  Masculine leadership is stoic.  Feminine leadership is genuine.  You showed us that in New Hampshire.

4.  Loyalty can be misplaced.  Like many women, you were loyal to those who showed loyalty to you — even when they  may not have been the best people for the job.  To best serve others, leaders must surround themselves with those who best serve them.  Tough decisions are best made sooner than later. 

5.  Focus on facts, not personalities.  You were at your best when you exhibited your command of the issues and concern for the American public, not reacting to the bait put out by opponents or critics.  Bill’s campaign strategy to counterattack doesn’t work for women leaders.   

6.  Fight fair, fight clean, but fight.  You waged an aggressive, but civilized, campaign.  You showed us that women can (and should) compete to win without going for the jugular. 

7.  Developing a leadership persona takes practice.  Over the course of the campaign the strident, tense Hillary was replaced by a woman with great confidence and ease in front of cameras and crowds.  As a professor once told me, “You demonstrate the self-confidence that comes with repetition.”

Again, thank you, Hillary.  You’ve represented all women, indeed all Americans, well.  You’ve changed the tone of political campaigns from animosity to even-handed competition.  You leave a legacy from which we can all learn and apply to our daily lives.  We look forward to learning even more from you in the years to come.

With gratitude and admiration,

Dr. Lois Frankel

TAGS: Hillary Clinton, Leadership, lessons in leadership, ways women lead

As usual, over the weekend, I had the chance to catch up on some reading - the April 21 issue of New York Magazine was one of the things I read. Amanda Fortini’s article, The Feminist Reawakening, published before the Pennsylvania primary, makes the point that the media treatment of Hillary Clinton not only reminds some women that we still have a long way to come but has had the unintended benefit of making other (younger) women aware of just how thin that pink line really is.

However things turn out for Senator Clinton’s candidacy, this is a good thing. 

TAGS: Feminism, Hillary Clinton, Political skills, Politics, politics at work, power, women leaders, women's equality

I moderated a panel this morning sponsored by RR Donnelley’s Women In Law Empowerment Forum; the topic was “Mastering Negotiation Skills: The Art of Achieving Career Success”.  Of course, Linda Babcock’s article, “Women, Repeat This: Don’t Ask, Don’t Get”, which appeared in the Business Section of Sunday’s New York Times came up.

People focused exclusively on the first part of the piece - Babcock’s findings that women don’t ask for what they want as often as do men.  

Nobody seemed to remember that Babcock also reported that her more recent research (with Hannah Bowles and Lei Lai) showed that when women do ask, they often get a “chillier reaction - from men and from women”. 

Why is it that nobody remembered the second part of the article? Perhaps it is that we read selectively?  Or is it that telling women to “just ask” is easier than tackling the systemic issues in the legal profession and, more broadly, in business?

The war for talent and the alarming rate of attrition among women are two good reasons that organizations should be doing more than just telling women to ask.  Don’t kid yourself - it’s just not that simple.

Have you been bullied at work?  If so, you’re not alone. 

Tara Parker-Pope reported in her NY Times column last week that 37% of Americans have been bullied on the job.   Her blog, Well, offered a quiz to help you figure out whether you were a victim of bullying. 

It was fairly obvious that you have been bullied if you answer “yes” to some of the questions,  for example, “Been yelled at or shouted at in a hostile manner?” Others were more subtle, “Been given little or no feedback about your performance?”

As I read the comments, it became clear that many people ignore bullies because they don’t know how to respond to them.  Or at least what to say out loud…But if you don’t deal with them,  of course, they don’t stop - they get worse.  

Kathleen offered some terrific advice the other day about how to play hardball including some “comebacks” from her books, The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics. 

Here are some other ideas:

1. Enlist allies.  Find others who have also been bullied by the same person and collaborate to plan a strategy about how to respond.  It’s always easier to confront a bully when you have support.
2. Figure out what leverage you may have - is there any action that you can take that will scare the bully into behaving better?  For example,  if he/she is stupid enough to leave an email trail, save the emails (if you think that nobody is that stupid, consider Eliot Spitzer).  Then you can let him/her know that you have documentation that puts him/her/the company at risk.  Note well: don’t back a bully into a corner unless you have proof and are willing to use it.
3. If you don’t think you can prove the bullying behavior and are convinced that the bully is there to stay, plan your exit strategy.  Don’t wait.  If you do, you will be too exhausted and demoralized to put your best foot forward for another position.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, Fairness at work, gaining confidence, health issues at work, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate

You’re right about the need for women leaders, Lois. Absolutely! And keep wearing that cap! Most women want a woman to be president someday and Hillary is as close as we’ll come for a very long time. Even if people don’t like her or prefer Obama, the attacks on her by the media are familiar to women. Young, nonthreatening women experience these less. But their day will come. As we’ve seen in the Democratic nomination process, it’s considered acceptable to berate women for what they wear, a hairstyle, their body size, body shape, and so on. I used to teach with Betty Friedan. She’d be up in arms right now with how far back women have been slapped by the current Democratic race. And what has Howard Dean had to say about it. Nothing! How about the other supposedly admirable Democrats? Quiet as church mice. Why? Because it’s working for them.

I’ve written in my books that we’re all at least 75% responsible for how people treat us. If we let ourselves be overlooked, patronized, dismissed, interrupted, and so on, we’re telling people it’s fine to keep doing so.

Is it fine for men to interrupt and talk over women, as Tim Russert and Brian Williams did repeatedly to Hillary Clinton the other night during the “debate”? In fact, research indicates that women are interrupted far more often. If women don’t decry such actions, we’ll all be seeing a lot more of them.

Barack Obama is an impressive man. But he is getting a free ride compared to Hillary Clinton. And many of us have seen that far too often to not recognize it. We won’t have enough women leaders until women as a group insist that we be criticized on substantive issues — the same ones used when judging men. When smirking and laughing together as Obama, Williams and Russert did when Hillary refused to be silenced wasn’t met with the same reactions when Barack went on and on, there’s a double standard. The longer that continues, the fewer women we’ll see in high places. Men will take these affronts as green lights to do the same at work. And of this I’m sure: Insults that come around and go unchallenged, come around again.

TAGS: Barack Obama, Betty Friedan, debate, Hillary Clinton, Tim Russert, women leaders

 Elizabeth Keathley explained yesterday in a piece she wrote for Women’s ENews that the challenge women face with regard to being “womanly” and yet still competent has affected Hillary Clinton’s campaign.  And, in case you don’t believe it,  Tuesday’s  Wall Street Journal ’s  (paid site) front page article THE DECIDERS: White Men Hold Key for Democrats  detailed depressing evidence of both gender and racial bias.

So, yes, it’s a puzzle.   The good news is that the attention this issue is getting this year will help women to understand that it’s not their just their imagination they struggle with getting the respect they deserve at work (for example, have you ever suggested an idea at a meeting that was ignored until it was brought up again by a male colleague?)  So, what to do?

Change perceptions, one person at  time.  Think about the people with whom you are interacting.  What do you know (or can you learn)  about what keeps them up at night? Most people are not consciously biased; they (both men and women)  are simply looking out for their own best interests.  To influence them,  you must help them to realize that they will be better off with you in a leadership role than not.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career goals, Hillary Clinton, personal branding, Self-trust, stereotypes, The Wall Street Journal