Women have always known, if only on an intuitive level, that competing to win, not just to improve your skills or raise your own bar, often carries with it negative consequences.   Now, new research suggests your intuition is (once again) correct.  A study of twelth-graders reveals that for girls, “competing to win was linked to higher levels of depression and loneliness and to fewer and less close friendships” than for for boys.  Competing to “surpass personal goals,” on the other hand, contributes to high self-esteem for both boys and girls. 

It’s no wonder, then, that by the time we reach the workplace, we are hesitant to engage in activities that would put us on a track ahead of our colleagues, in positions of authority and influence, or in other ways set us apart from our peers.   As the authors of the study conclude, “… if one is talking about competing to win or show dominance over others, then females seem to pay a socio-economic price.”

Does this suggest you shouldn’t compete to win?  I don’t think so.  The study doesn’t address other factors such as how the girls competed (did they go for the jugular?), the personalities of the girls (were they prone to depression before?), and existing social skills (did they have a large and close circle of friends before they competed?).   Another factor is that the study was conducted in a high school in Dallas, Texas and I wonder if the same study was conducted in New York if the results would be the same.  Regional differences do matter. 

Playing to win looks different for women than it does for men, but it’s achievable.  How can you compete to win, avoid depression, and keep your friends?  Here are a few tips:

1.  Be inclusive.   Don’t be so singular-minded as to forget to ask for others opinions and publicly recognize their contributions.  It doesn’t detract from your desire to win, but it does mitigate the sting in your interpersonal connections.

2.  Identify the real competition.  In the workplace, you’re not competing against the person in the cubicle next to you — you’re competing against the company down the street.  Competing from this vantage point allows you to maintain good relationships with your colleagues and put your energy into finding ways to elevate your company in the eyes of its customers or clients.  Do this and your management will see you as a winner and a team player.

3.  Bring others along with you.  When you’re riding high, remember to provide others with the information, skills, or connections they need to become just as successful as you.  Competitive women often forget to do this, playing out the Queen Bee Syndrome — there’s only room for one Queen in the hive.  It’s no wonder they lose friends. 

4.  Conduct periodic reality checks.   It’s not enough to win once – you want to remain a winner.  Avoid “one and done” syndrome by asking for feedback, observing others body language when they  interact with you, and adjusting your behavior accordingly.  You don’t have to take sour grapes to heart, but you do have to ensure you’re not leaving bodies in your wake.  They don’t form a particularly sound foundation. 

5.  Live your values.  They form the core of who you are and will (unless you’re Amanda Priestly – Meryl Streep – in the Devil Wears Prada) help you to maintain your equilibrium in the face of stiff competition.  Depression can stem from living someone else’s values rather than your own.  Who wouldn’t be depressed by fiercely competing for something that’s not consistent with their values?

3.

TAGS: Women and competition

Is anyone else besides me sick of all the talk about men suddenly becoming an “endangered species” (as Hanna Rosin put it writing for The Atlantic).  Give me a break.  Yes, it’s true that a man’s muscle isn’t nearly as valuable today as it was when he was hunting food for dinner.  Yes, it’s also true that women outperform men on four of the five scales that contribute to emotional intelligence  — the sine qua non for business success.  And of course there are the statistics about more women graduating from college than men, more women entering the workforce than ever before, and more men losing jobs in the current economy than  women.  So what?  It’s a little like saying you used to be the best at using a dictation machine but changing times required you to learn to master a computer.  You do what you gotta do. 

If men are getting the short end of the stick lately it’s only because they’ve rested on their laurels, believed that they would always reap the benefits of entitlement, and didn’t change with the times.  Seems like women have become the early adopters — and now we’re supposed to feel sorry for men?  If anything, women are barely inching toward parity.  Let’s not kid ourselves.  From corporate America to government, institutions of higher learning, and the Catholic Church — men are still in charge.  When women comprise 90% of the top spots in Fortune 500 companies, when they make up the majority of people sitting on the Supreme Court, when women are elected as the President and Vice President of the United States during the  same election, when 35 of Forbes top 50 colleges now headed by men are headed by women, and when you can only receive communion from a woman – I’ll start worrying about guys getting the short end of the stick.

TAGS: discrimination against men, Hanna Rosin, men as an endangered species, progress for women, The Atlantic

Although word has it that the economy is recovering, it is still an employer’s market ─ that means the employee has to do the heavy lifting. Some ideas:

• Watch your words.
  Avoid “resume speak” and clearly state whatever it is you want to communicate. For example, way too many resumes contain meaningless phrases like “to utilize my skills in a meaningful way to…”. What exactly does that mean? And, as a side note, if you dislike the word “utilize” as much as I do, read this.
• Quantify your contribution.
  For example, it’s just not enough to note you’ve “managed a team”; be sure to describe the team you led. How many people were on the team? What did they do? Did you recruit them? Train them? Coach them? What specific goals did they (or you, if you were in an individual performer role) accomplish? How did these goals contribute to the company’s success?
• Connect the dots.
  Make it easy for people to see how your education and prior jobs apply to the role you want. This week, a woman who wants to change careers asked me to review her resume. She has wonderful credentials and a good deal of transferable experience but her resume made no links regarding how she would apply them to her dream job, a leadership role at a not-for-profit. For example, she had initiated many new client relationships in her role as a practicing attorney ─ she needed to show how this skill could translate into creating new donors at the not-for-profit.

Of course, watch your grammar and punctuation too. Have several people whom you trust (even better if they work in the field you are in or want to get into) read your resume and give you feedback.

Recruiters and line managers are busy and you can expect lots of competition for the job you want. Your resume is the way you can differentiate yourself and stand out in the crowd. Best of luck!

TAGS: changing careers, changing jobs, Job Search, LinkedIn, Resume writing

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a woman complain that when she raises an idea at a meeting, she’s ignored only to have a man raise the same idea later and have it regarded as “the magnificent one and only solution”, I’d be off on a wonderful vacation. But I just read about an idea generation technique that might help ─ it’s called “brainwriting”.

We know that brainstorming can be helpful when trying to solve a problem ─ yet sometimes brainstorming is less successful than we’d like. For example, as evident from the common experience above, women can be marginalized in traditional brainstorming sessions. Or, one person can dominate the session, making it difficult for others (male or female) to be heard. Or, if the group leader is less than effective, people start to evaluate the ideas shared prematurely which stifles the energy and undermines the process.

Brainwriting is different that brainstorming in that it requires people to write down their ideas rather than to say them aloud:

1. People begin brainwriting by individually writing an idea relevant to the issue down on a piece of paper. Ideally, each person uses a different color pen so that he/she can be identified as the source of the idea ─ or that the absence of a particular color ink will out the person who doesn’t fully contribute.
2. Each person passes his/her paper to the right.
3. People read the idea on the paper they’ve received and add their own idea, perhaps inspired by the idea already on the paper. If they can’t think of anything to add, they can just pass the paper along.
4. When a piece of paper has about four ideas, it is retired to the center of the table. Then the ideas are evaluated according to criteria previously identified.

Dr. Peter Heslin, a professor at the Cox School of Business, Southern Methodist University, whose  2009 article about brainwriting in the Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology suggests that the discipline of writing the ideas down coupled with the fact that participants are reacting to others’ written ideas may produce more ideas. He also recommends more research to determine whether gender differences present in the brainstorming process may be minimized by brainwriting.

I say it’s worth a try!

TAGS: creativity, group process, LinkedIn, problem-solving

Mary Ann Chory, an executive at Northrop Grumman, sent this article: http://www.latimes.com/… about women having male friends at work and asked what I thought. I think it’s tricky. Just ask Senator McCain. When I did my psychology internship at the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department (which was years ago) the wives of male officers often complained about having their husbands ride with female officers. Although they said it was because they didn’t think another woman could keep their husbands safe, I think it was a little too close for comfort.

Some of my best professional colleagues are men — but I know that I have to walk The Thin Pink Line to make it work. Not developing relationships with male colleagues for fear of what others will say isn’t the answer. You miss out on too many opportunities by doing that. Here are some coaching tips for making male/female workplace relationships work for you:

1. Avoid even the appearance of impropriety. I once coached a woman who had lunch with her boss every day in a very expensive restaurant. They were gone for hours and, as you might imagine, the rumors began to fly. She swore to me that nothing improper was going on but, as I told her, perception is reality. If she wanted to protect her career and that of her boss she needed to limit the number and amount of time spent at those lunches (and I told her boss the same thing).

2. Get to know spouses or significant others. This allows them to get to know you on a personal basis and become more comfortable with you and the relationship you have with their significant other. If possible, socialize as families outside the workplace rather than you having dinner alone with the male co-worker all of the time.

3. Avoid “in” jokes, comments, or looks. You may have discussed something one day and sure enough it comes up at a meeting you’re both at the next day — this doesn’t mean you can shoot each other a knowing glance. That’s the “self-regulation” part of being emotionally intelligent.

4. Warm feelings don’t have to be taken to the next level. This is something I learned in my therapeutic training. When two people share ideas, close physical proximity, a certain degree of intimacy, or secrets they often think a physical relationship is the next logical step. It doesn’t have to be. Acknowledge warm feelings but recognize that taking it further will likely have disasterous consequences for you both.

5. Know when it’s time to set clearer boundaries. If it becomes apparent that being friends isn’t really possible, take steps to change the dynamic. That may mean that you no longer have lunch together, although you still confer on projects. Or that when traveling together on business you don’t explore a new city together on your free time but do present a seamless front to clients you’re there to visit.

TAGS: how to be friends with a male co-worker, John McCain, Los Angeles Times, male/female workplace relationships; avoiding the appea