Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently,  John C. Maxwell’s latest book, caught my attention.  As the title suggests,  it isn’t just talent that enables some people to sail effortlessly through their careers, but rather the ability to connect on a meaningful level with others.   He offers the following as signs that you’ve connected:

• People go the extra mile for you.
• They say positive things about you.
• They show that they trust you — often through more open communications.
• They accept you without reservation.

I’ve met people who are great communicators but not great connectors — and vice versa.  I know when I haven’t connected with someone (or someone hasn’t connected with me) because I leave the encounter feeling empty instead of fulfilled or satisfied.  Your goal should be to do both well.  Taking the time to really connect with others is well worth the effort because it pays off in the form of gaining cooperation, the ability to influence, access to information or contacts, and a sense of emotional well-being.  Practice these three simple coaching tips and you’ll be well on your way to connecting:

1. Make your communications all about the other person.  Dale Carnegie once said that you make more friends by listening than by talking . Listening, and hearing what others say and don’t say, is an art you can acquire through practice.  Have two or three stock questions with follow-ups that you ask of anyone you encounter such as,  ”What part of town do you live in?”  “How long have you lived there?”  “What made you choose this neighborhood?”  “Is it compatible with your business and outside interests?”   
2. Go to every meeting, visit, or encounter with something modest to give to the other person.  It can be an article that you read that you think the other person will find interesting or even an idea you heard on the radio that you want to gain input into from the other person’s unique perspective.  When you’ve finished reading a book, give it to someone you know will appreciate it.  Even on a small scale such as this, giving enables you to connect. 
3. Follow-up encounters with a short e-mail about what you took away or thought about.  It allows others to know that they were really heard and understood.  And if you promised to do something, be certain to do it.  Dropping the ball conveys the message that the other person’s needs aren’t really all that important to you. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Communication Skills, John C. Maxwell

Back in April, I met a woman at a conference I attended, I’ll call her Laurie.  As a follow up to our very pleasant conversation, when I got back to my office, I sent her a copy of Her Place at the Table. To my surprise (and, I must admit to my momentary chagrin) I never received any acknowledgement from Laurie that she received the book.  Then, last week, I received a lovely note from her; she wrote that she too had enjoyed our conversation and thanked me for the book. The letter was dated April 22 and postmarked the same day – she wrote it soon after she received the book.  The U.S. mail had let us down.  That realization caused me to remember just how important it is to ascribe good intentions to people.

Most people do (or at least try to do) the right thing. When their behavior disappoints us, it is helpful to withhold judgment until it is clear that there isn’t a good explanation.

Some thoughts to help build stronger relationships:

• If you’ve reached out to someone and received no response, consider what else may have gone wrong.
  As in my story about Laurie above, there may be a very good reason you haven’t heard back. For example, an unanswered email may have been caught in the recipient’s spam filter, gone to an inactive email address or otherwise failed to reach him/her. Alternatively, as has sometime happened to even the most organized and disciplined of us, it may have simply languished in the well-meaning but very busy recipient’s Inbox having slipped through the cracks. Resend it and if you still get no response, pick up the phone.

• When you hear “no” to a request you think is reasonable, consider why the person you asked won’t go along.
  He or she probably has a rationale that makes sense from his/her perspective. Don’t be reluctant to ask why; understanding the reasons may enable you to propose a different solution that will meet your needs as well as those of the other person.

• If someone you’re meeting is late, don’t jump to the conclusion she’s rude.
  The traffic may have been worse than usual due to an accident, the bus may have broken down or he may have had an unforeseeable client emergency. Any or all of those situations may have been further complicated by a cell phone battery failure. Take a deep breath and give the undoubtedly already stressed latecomer a break.

Of course, if you see patterns of behavior that adversely affect you, you need to acknowledge that too and decide how to handle it. It may be that this particular relationship isn’t worth nurturing. But first, give people the benefit of the doubt!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, LinkedIn

One of the things that distinguishes men from women in the world of work is their genuine desire to build warm, friendly relationships with their colleagues, management, clients, and sometimes even outside consultants (like me).  Many women want the workplace to be an extension of their families and, as I’ve discussed before, in some ways the workplace does resemble a family.  But keep in mind that most families are dysfunctional in one way or another.  That’s why it’s important for you to distinguish between friendliness and friendships at work.  They’re two very different things.

Here are some tips for walking the Thin Pink Line between being friendly and expecting everyone to be your friend:

• Identify the quid pro quo in each workplace relationship.  Although they’re rarely openly discussed, in every relationship there is an exchange of what each person needs and wants.  You may want friendship but your male co-worker might only want a good sounding board.  Don’t expect the other person to want what you want — this is a set-up for disappointment and potential conflict. 
• Create healthy boundaries.  On the spectrum from you are friendly to no one at work to you expect everyone to be your best friend, good boundaries are found somewhere in the middle.  That means you shouldn’t pour your heart out to a co-worker who may be a good listener but isn’t really an intimate friend.  Nor should you feel responsible for solving everyone’s problems — maybe you just need to listen or direct the person to where they can get help. 
• Beware the workplace BFF.  People are thrust together into teams at work with others who they may or may not otherwise have chosen as a friend.  Friendliness is an essential ingredient for success on the job but forging a BFF relationship can lead to disaster and impact productivity.  Think Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchey.  
• Grow a thicker skin.  If you’re the kind of person who just can’t stand it if someone doesn’t like you — that’s your problem.  Don’t visit it on your co-workers.  Be realistic about how people at work interact.  This doesn’t mean you should tolerate being treated disrespectfully, but it also doesn’t mean everyone should have to dance around you because you pout if you’re not treated with kid gloves. 
• Make your primary source of friendships outside of work.  If you’re working so many hours that you don’t have time for friends outside of work, then something’s wrong.  Ask yourself whether you’re using work as an excuse to avoid “real life.”  Sure, most of us have people from work we may socialize with from time-to-time but that’s different than inviting them to Thanksgiving dinner. 
• Clarify workplace rules for truly good friends.  If there’s someone at work with whom you do have a deep friendship, talk about how you will ensure the relationship doesn’t interfere with work.  You don’t want others to feel like outsiders nor do you want to be accused of spending too much time socializing with one or two people.  Insider jokes, knowing looks, and having lunch exclusively with one friend won’t help your career. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Friends at work, workplace boundaries

The fat has been trimmed.  We’re down to the bare bones.  If you’re still employed consider yourself fortunate.  On a single day last week 60,000 jobs were lost.  And how are employers selecting those who stay and those who go?  Essential skills?  Keep the hardest workers? Longevity or tenure?  Those may be a few factors that go into management’s decision-making but there’s another one that people don’t talk about that’s just weighted just as much, if not more, heavily: likeability and the ability to build strong relationships.   You’ve heard me say many times, when you need a relationship it’s too late to build it,  but the importance may be more obvious to you now.  Especially if you didn’t have those relationships in place when you needed them. 

Many employers are using the economic downturn to weed out people who just don’t fit in.  They may call it a recession-related lay-off but as I’ve said before, if only one or two people are laid off in a mid to large sized company that’s no lay-off.  It’s housecleaning.  Chances are the people who were let go were the same ones who used to say either out loud or to themselves, “I refuse to play the game.”  That “game” is nothing more sinister than building relationships. 

In our Thin Pink Line survey it’s one of the things a number of women talked about — the fact that they didn’t fit into the boys club.  You don’t have to be a member of the club to stay on track.  Whether you’re still employed or wondering why you were tapped for separation here are 3 basic truths you must heed to enhance the likelihood of workplace longevity:

Truth #1.  Managing Up is Critical.   The boss is human and wants direct  reports that are low maintenance (no whining, self-starters, take feedback well), supportive, and pleasant to be around.  You may not be on the golf course or at the local pub with your boss, but this doesn’t mean you can’t invite her to lunch, drop by his office for casual conversation, or  forward articles that you know will be of both personal and professional interest.  Don’t know what would be of personal interest?  Shame on you… find out.  Managing up is not the same as kissing up. 

Truth #2.  You need advocates throughout the organization.  These are people who say positive things about you to others.  They’re your internal fan club.  You develop advocacy by being an advocate for others (this is the law of reciprocity); going out of your way to meet special requests — and letting people know that you’re doing it because you value your relationship with them; and being visible to senior management (which means you speak up in meetings and  make presentations even thought you’re uncomfortable doing so).

Truth #3.  External networks are just as important as internal ones. Being connected with people outside of your company benefits you in a number of ways:  you are able to make introductions or bring in talent at just the right time; having external resources means you don’t have to reinvent the wheel; you will be in the loop for the hidden job market — those jobs that are never advertised but are discussed in networking circles. 

It may be counterintuitive, especially for women who think working harder is better, but this is not the time to hunker down at your desk.  Yes, you have to show that you add value through your work, but spending a portion of each and every day building 360 degree relationships is just as important.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, how to survive the recession, managing up, managing your career

I’ll never forget my experience with a truly bad colleague. The warning signs were there but I just didn’t believe them.

I was part of a team of people who interviewed her before she was hired. She impressed me — experienced, intelligent, knowledgeable, and witty.  With no reservations, I recommended that she be hired. To my boss’s dismay, she turned down the job. A couple of months later, however, she was back. She said she had made a mistake, that the position (it was still open!) was indeed a good fit and asked us to renew the offer we’d made. My boss was hesitant but I felt so strongly that she was a great choice that I talked him into it.

Things were fine for a while. Then we started to work together on a client engagement she was leading because it was squarely in her area of expertise. Part of the project included interviewing client senior executives regarding the Company’s strategy, current situation as well as learning more about the challenges they faced. She agreed to create “interview guides” that we would both use so that the approach we used to gather data would be consistent as well as the data itself. She failed to deliver and when I told her I was concerned that I didn’t have the experience to “wing it”, she assured me that I could observe as she conducted the first few sessions so that I could learn the methodology. Not wanting to make waves, I agreed. (more…)

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, colleagues, difficult economy, gaining confidence, sabotage, Women at Work

Inherent to every relationship there’s a quid pro quo — something in exchange for something else.  It’s what makes some relationships flourish and others sour.  When the quid pro quo is uneven, changes or is non-existent, one or both parties become dissatisfied.  Consider these scenarios:

• You marry a man who, the entire time you’re dating, talks about having children.  A few years into the marriage when you bring up the subject of starting a family he tells you he’s not sure he wants to have children. 
• You take a job working for a growing company and the hiring source tells you there will be plenty of opportunities for upward mobility.  After two years doing the same job — and doing it well — you bring up the subject of applying for a higher level job that will give you the chance to learn different skills.  Both your boss and HR tell you that you’re way too valuable to transfer out of the department. 
• You have a friend who is an attorney.  You’ve never asked for a favor but you have done plenty of favors for her — particularly when she was going through a rough patch in her marriage.  Your brother is arrested and you call to ask her for a referral to a good criminal defense attorney.  She tells you she’ll check but never gets back to you.  You ask again and the same thing happens. 

In each of these situations the quid pro quo has either shifted or not been evenly exchanged and the result is disappointment, disillusionment or perhaps even anger.  You need to be conscious of keeping up your end of the bargain in your relationships.  It’s not that you only do things for others with the expectation that it will be immediately or directly returned because it doesn’t quite work that way.  But the unspoken quid pro quo can make or break friendships, working relationships, and even marriages.  If you’re feeling frustrated with a relationship consider how the quid pro quo may not be satisfying for you and talk to the other person about your needs.  Similarly, look for opportunities to return favors whether they’re asked for or not.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, the quid pro quo in relationships

< ! /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} > < ! [endif] > Yesterday I spoke with a woman who has served as a mentor for many in her company. She told me that she’s being asked to mentor yet another person and, at this point, is ready to just say “no”. Why is she reluctant to take on another mentee? Yes, of course she is busy, but that’s not the whole story.  The other reason is that she is tired of giving and getting nothing in return. Hannah Seligson in a recent New York Times piece, Girl Power at School, but Not at the Office suggested that forming a strategic network is a key thing that young women (indeed, all women!) should do.  She cautioned about asking too much too soon from a prospective mentor:

I can tell you that it doesn’t work to go up to someone and say, “Will you be my mentor?” That’s the workplace equivalent of “Will you be my boyfriend? A more organic approach – saying something like, “Can I pick your brain about some ways to transition out of my entry-level position in the next year?” – has been much more effective for me.

Hannah is so right.   Strong mentoring relationships grow over time with proper care and attention.  When thinking about approaching a potential mentor, consider the following: (more…)

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Coaching Tips, mentors, Women at Work

Politics aside, Adam Nagourney’s piece on John McCain’s management style in Sunday’s New York Times made me think of bad bosses.  He reports that Jill Hazelbaker, McCain’s campaign spokeswoman, had a strong reaction to the fact that McCain had thrown her under the bus by publicly disagreeing with her when she implemented a strategy he had previously agreed to. Reportedly, Hazelbaker was so displeased that she refused to take his apology call. 

You too may have had the experience of having to deal with a boss who says one thing in private and something else in public, particularly when things get tough. You know, the boss who says, “Tell that client we won’t budge on the price!” but caves when the client calls him directly. Or the boss who tells you that you have 15 minutes on the agenda to present at the meeting but interrupts you after only five minutes have elapsed.

What to do when it happens again?

• Don’t react in the moment. Take a deep breath. Do not show your frustration in your tone of voice or body language either.
• Reflect carefully. Is this a one-time mistake or, as it seems it is in McCain’s case, a recurring pattern? If it is the former and not too grievous, you may decide to ignore it and move on. If it is a pattern, you’ve got a problem.
• Try to figure out why he/she did it. Did he simply forget what you had agreed to? Did she change her mind because she got more information? Or did he decide to save himself at your expense?
• Decide how, when and where to broach the subject. Usually, face to face meetings are the best choice but an email or phone call may be your method of choice in some situations. Pick a time (after you’ve cooled down) when you can get his/her uninterrupted attention and when you won’t feel rushed. Meet in a quiet place where you can have a private conversation.

Two days later, a follow-up Nagourney article on McCain’s campaign, identified the spokesperson as Brian Rogers ─ I wonder what happened to Hazelbaker? If you often find yourself under the bus, you may want to find a new boss. It’s not healthy to breathe exhaust fumes regularly!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Coaching Tips, dealing with passive aggressive people, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, loyalty at work, politics at work, self-esteem, Women at Work, Women In the Professions

It was a treat to be asked for an interview by Cleo Thompson who writes the Gender Agenda for PricewaterhouseCoopers.  Cleo asks great questions and gave me the opportunity to think out loud about the critical importance of negotiation skills. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, negotiation skills, the thin pink line

Yesterday I attended a session called “Flexing the Workplace: New Ways to Get Work Done and Build Careers” spearheaded by Deborah Epstein Henry of Flex-time Lawyers and sponsored by the National Association of Women Lawyers. 

As you can probably guess from the title, the speakers discussed both research and recommendations for the ways that law firms can adapt and change to meet the demands of both men and women who don’t want to do things in the same way that they’ve always been done.

The issues are complicated.  And to make it even more challenging, law firms are culturally steeped in precedent and tradition so that change can be very painful. Patricia Gillette, co-founder of the Opt In Project and a wonderful speaker, quoted Carly Fiorina: “Change is like heaven; everyone wants to go there but nobody wants to die.”  So policies that allow for flexible work schedules don’t come easy.

But even if you work in a company that has managed to establish such policies, they don’t help unless you can actually use them without damaging your career.  The senior leadership in your firm has undoubtedly supported these policies because they make smart business sense.  But those below in the pecking order may not have the “big picture” in mind – these “frozen middle” people can make actually using flexible work policies difficult if not impossible.

That’s where negotiation comes in – it’s the way you can melt the ice. Three tips:

1. Be prepared. 
   The conversation you will have with your manager should help him or her to wholeheartedly support your decision. You have to be very clear about how you will continue to meet business objectives under the new arrangement.
2. Be aware. 
   Think about how your decision will affect your colleagues.  Will anyone be disaffected?  If so, how can you proactively manage the situation before resentment starts to fester?
3. Be firm. 
   While an occasional emergency may require that you respond immediately, think about how you can manage things so that the flexible schedule that you have designed doesn’t get eroded.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, Fairness at work, flexibility, Negotiation, negotiation skills, The National Association of Women Lawyers, The Opt In Project, Women In the Professions, work life balance