Women make great coaches, but we often don’t call ourselves that.  Whether you coach a child how to ride a bicycle, an elderly parent how to remain safe in their own home, or an employee how to do an even better job, you coach.  We’re particularly good at coaching because many of the things I’ve listed below come naturally to us. Here are 7 tips for how to do it more consciously and confidently:

1.  It’s all in the relationship.  You can’t coach if you don’t have a strong, positive relationship with the person being coached.  Without the relationship people just assume you’re being critical.

2.   Religously follow the 7:1 rule.  This is another way to avoid being perceived as overly critical.  You must give seven pieces of positive feedback for every one piece of developmental feedback.  Catch people in the act of doing things right — no matter how simple — and positively reinforce it.

3.   Be clear about expectations.  When you delegate projects or ask for something to be done, discuss timelines, outcomes, and how success will be measured.  Don’t expect others to read your mind.  For example, rather than say, “I need you to work with the graphics people to design a sales brochure,” say, “By January 1 we need a new sales brochure.  II’d like you to manage the project.  Start by working with our graphics people to get several design possibilities that include our products, customer testimonials, and easy ordering instructions.  Then let’s review them together, choose the best one and meet the deadline. .”  Now you have been specific enough to hold the person accountable for deliverables. 

4.   Coach when you observe behavior that can be improved.  Major league coaches don’t wait until the end of the season to give feedback.  They give it after every play, inning, and game.  If you coach regularly you won’t wind up lumping and dumping: lumping together every area that needs improvement and dumping on the person at one time.  For those of you who manage, this also makes the annual performance review a lot easier. 

5.   Coach people onto the playing field.  Both life and work are playing fields.  Depending on your values or those of your company there are boundaries, strategies, and rules that govern how to win the game.  Don’t think in terms of what someone is doing wrong, think in terms of how you can get the person onto the field and within bounds so that they can succeed at whatever they’re doing. 

6.   Coach the hard skills and the soft skills.  Soft skills are the intangible ones.  Like being honest, friendly, approachable, kind, etc.  They’re harder to coach because you can’t “see” them as clearly as you can the hard skills (such as brushing teeth, coming home on time, delivering reports on time, etc.).  But the soft skills are equally important for success.  To coach the soft skills observe behavior, put words to it, indicate the possible impact the behavior has on others, then re-direct toward more appropriate behavior.  For example, “I noticed you yell at Linda today.  It made her look afraid.  If you don’t want people to be afraid it would work better to cool off before saying anything then engaged in a productive discussion.”

7.   Prepare for every coaching session — regardless of who you’re coaching.  Whether it’s a child, a volunteer or a direct report, choose your words carefully.  Try putting your coaching comments into the framework of what’s working and where the person is getting stuck.  This minimizes the judgmental aspect of coaching and emphasizes behavior rather than characteristics.  You’re not saying that Jane is a bad girl because she threw sand in Sally’s face, you’re saying that behavior isn’t consistent with how you treat people in your family. 

For a free copy of my Coach-the-Coach Questionnaire and Coaching Effectiveness Inventory contact me at info@drloisfrankel.com. 

TAGS: Coaching, coaching children, developing people, feedback, women as coaches

As a Think Pink Line blogger you know I’m a fan of Mrs. O.  So, I was anxious to hear her speech last night.  Well, what can I say?  Once a coach, always a coach.  I thought she did well, but she didn’t hit a home run.  Why?  Because she was over-coached.  Because she read what was on the teleprompter.  Because they coached the fire right out of her (I don’t think TPL blogger Marilyn Z. could call her angry based on that presentation). 

Mrs. O’s speech was well choreographed, she hit on all the points her handlers wanted her to make, but in the process her essence was lost.  The headline of an article in The International Herald Tribune says it all, “The careful rollout of a warmer Michelle Obama.” What a perfect example of women being expected to walk The Thin Pink Line.  Her focus on family and values was great, but she has so much more to say than that — and she usually says it with more gusto.  She faces the same problem Hillary encountered when she became First Lady and that Theresa Heinz Kerry was met with when she spoke at the same convention four years ago.  We want the spouses of our Presidents to be smart, but not too smart.  Passionate, but not too passionate.  And to have opinions but not come across as opinionated.  Come to think of it, that’s what we expect of so many women in the workplace.  And that’s The Thin Pink Line. 

So, what are the lessons we can all learn from Michelle O? 

1. When coached, keep the best of who you are and add to it, don’t subtract.  This is the Golden Rule of coaching.  Always lead with your strengths and add new behaviors that will help you to walk TPL. 
2. Play the game on the field and in bounds, but avoid the middle — that’s not where games are won.  If you receive feedback that you’re too quiet in meetings, don’t go to the extreme of dominating them.  Find 2 - 3 opportunities to give your opinion, affirm what someone else has said, or seek clarification that others need as well.  Going to extremes doesn’t work — for women or  men.  MIchelle played it too safe last night – she had plenty more field to use without being called out. 
3. Be strategic in your communications.  Choose the times when you can let the best of you emerge and when you should exhibit a broader range of communication skills.  The pundits may want a gentler, calmer Michele Obama but this doesn’t mean that’s all she can be.  Just once last night I wanted to see her diverge from the script and utter something totally passionate in true Michelle O. fashion.  I don’t think it would have detracted one bit from her message — in fact I think it would have enhanced it.  Think back to what happened when Hillary got tearful just before the New Hampshire primary.  We liked her even better. 

TAGS: Coaching, Democratic National Convention, International Herald Tribune, Michelle Obama, walking the thin pink line

Although I spent much of my career working predominantly with men, I’ve been spoiled over the past few years by having the privilege of speaking mostly to women’s groups and working with women. Why do I say spoiled?  Because it’s a joy to work with people who want to learn, grow, and even laugh at themselves.  I love that about women.  We’re not too proud to admit what we don’t know.  How could we be?  We’ve spent our lives hearing about our shortcomings and what makes us less capable than the other half of the humans inhabiting the planet.  Guys, on the other hand, have the most marvelous way of rationalizing ineptitude.  I mean that.  I wish I could be as good at it.  Like the day a friend and I were put in a golf foursome with two men we didn’t know.  The first fellow tees off and the shot hooks into the woods.  “Ohhh.  That’s too bad,” I said with empathy.  What does this guy reply?  Are you ready?  “It wasn’t a bad shot.  It just didn’t go where I wanted it to go.”  Yeah.  Right.

It’s not by accident that publishers are delighted when authors write self-help books for women.  Women buy far more of these books than men.   And this means not only do we know what we don’t know, we want to fix it!  Ya gotta love that.  Men?  Not only don’t they not know what they don’t know, they don’t want to know (did you follow that?).  I have a little internal gauge that tells me how much resistance I encounter in a day.  It’s a gauge that either screams for one good glass of chardonnay (an indication that I’m exhausted by the resistance) or has me high from the day’s activities (which means I experienced a day filled with the give and take of ideas and information).  Now I’m not saying I mind resistance — I believe it’s one way human beings maintain equilibrium.  A healthy degree of skepticism keeps you from throwing the baby out with the bath water.  But I have noticed that my supply of chardonnay lasts a lot longer when I work with women. 

So, girlfriends, keep up the self-exploration, continue to be open to feedback, and show the willingness to go outside your comfort zone if it means you’ll move one step closer to your personal or professional goals.  Here are some great organizations that can help you to achieve your best:

Personal growth and leadership development: www.ntl.org

Public speaking: www.toastmasters.org  

Negotiation skills: www.negotiatingwomen.org

Individual coaching:  www.coachfederation.org

Company-sponsored coaching & team building: www.corporatecoachingintl.com

Exploring career change:  www.vocationvacations.com

I know from experience that personal development is hard work — but you’re up to it.  And as the little girl who spent all day shoveling horse manure responds when asked what she’s doing, “With all this manure I know there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.”

TAGS: career change, Coaching, leadership development, men rationalizing, Negotiation, negotiation skills, personal development, self-help, team building, women learning

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to remind you to use the 7:1 rule of feedback.  Give seven pieces of positive feedback for every one piece of negative feedback if you want people to see you as a coach, not a critic.

TAGS: Coaching, positive feedback