Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently,  John C. Maxwell’s latest book, caught my attention.  As the title suggests,  it isn’t just talent that enables some people to sail effortlessly through their careers, but rather the ability to connect on a meaningful level with others.   He offers the following as signs that you’ve connected:

• People go the extra mile for you.
• They say positive things about you.
• They show that they trust you — often through more open communications.
• They accept you without reservation.

I’ve met people who are great communicators but not great connectors — and vice versa.  I know when I haven’t connected with someone (or someone hasn’t connected with me) because I leave the encounter feeling empty instead of fulfilled or satisfied.  Your goal should be to do both well.  Taking the time to really connect with others is well worth the effort because it pays off in the form of gaining cooperation, the ability to influence, access to information or contacts, and a sense of emotional well-being.  Practice these three simple coaching tips and you’ll be well on your way to connecting:

1. Make your communications all about the other person.  Dale Carnegie once said that you make more friends by listening than by talking . Listening, and hearing what others say and don’t say, is an art you can acquire through practice.  Have two or three stock questions with follow-ups that you ask of anyone you encounter such as,  ”What part of town do you live in?”  “How long have you lived there?”  “What made you choose this neighborhood?”  “Is it compatible with your business and outside interests?”   
2. Go to every meeting, visit, or encounter with something modest to give to the other person.  It can be an article that you read that you think the other person will find interesting or even an idea you heard on the radio that you want to gain input into from the other person’s unique perspective.  When you’ve finished reading a book, give it to someone you know will appreciate it.  Even on a small scale such as this, giving enables you to connect. 
3. Follow-up encounters with a short e-mail about what you took away or thought about.  It allows others to know that they were really heard and understood.  And if you promised to do something, be certain to do it.  Dropping the ball conveys the message that the other person’s needs aren’t really all that important to you. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Communication Skills, John C. Maxwell

Who should be the successor of a family owned business when the founders are no longer available, willing or capable of continuing to run it?  That’s definitely a mind over money matters choice. 

My friend and colleague Dawn Fotopulos, a much sought after small business advocate and coach is the Founder of Best Small Biz Help.com, The Solopreneur’s Lifeline(http://bestsmallbizhelp.com/meet-dawn-fotopulos/).  She says usually one or two people are in charge of the business and have been the ultimate decision makers and they must be willing to delegate authority before they’re ready to sell or turn the business over to be run by someone else.  Why?  Fotopulos says because such a transition requires a three year on-ramp/off-ramp time frame to do it successfully and suggests the following: 

• Think about succession at least three years before you want to transition
• Delegate authority and not just tasks to your key proven people
• Seriously consider non-family members as viable leaders of the business 

If you’re the founder of a family business, are facing this decision and considering appointing two people to run the company and use an accountant as a referee – Fotopulos says you might want to reconsider.  She is a firm believer that you can never have a 50/50 split in ownership. 

“It’s a recipe for disaster,” she says.  “Designating more than one owner in a succession plan doesn’t work.  Someone must ultimately be in charge.  That person needs to understand the mission of the business.  Although a business should be able to run independent of the founder,” she goes on to explain, “it only can when the owner delegates authority regarding decision making and not just delegate tasks.”

A succession plan takes time.  So does identifying the right person.  Mentoring a successor requires good, time consuming, on-the-job training, nurturing and giving adequate lead time for a smooth transition.  Most family business founders haven’t done that or identified their successor because they’re structured the business around themselves.  Even if the owner/leader has identified the person to succeed them, often they can’t let go or they don’t think far enough ahead to implement change and find that it’s a crisis that forces putting a succession plan into play.

Lost time is lost money.  Forward thinking about the transition of power is a bottom line issue.  Mind over money really matters when it comes to this decision.  It should be made from the mind of a good business owner rather than the heart of a hopeful parent/founder.

Fotopulos says the successor boss must be responsible for the business viability year in and year out.  The entrepreneurial generation (founders) made the sacrifices but need to be sure that when the second generation (adult children) takes over, their willingness or motivation often isn’t the same.  Thus the s suggestion to consider a longtime, loyal employee – a person who is considered your critical second in command – to become your successor.

When choosing the person to succeed you in your successfully run and profitable family business, as you consider who best can do that, remember:  It’s your money so take it personally (TM).  It applies here more than ever before.

Here’s to your health and wealth.

TAGS: Communication Skills, entrepeneurs, financial planning, Women and Money

There is a Facebook group called “I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar.” It currently has over 460,000 members.

I am one of them.

Perhaps because I’m the daughter of an English teacher, I believe in the importance of proper spelling and grammar. Employers of recent college grads agree with me. In a 2007 survey, outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas asked executives, “What skill do entry-level job seekers lack the most?” The number one answer by far was written communication.

This means that good writing skills can really help you stand out from the crowd. Good grammar is a competitive advantage. If your writing skills need some improvement, here are 7 quick tips to help you:

1. Lead with your main point. In professional writing, you are communicating in order to accomplish something, so get to the point. For instance, when you’re writing an email, state the purpose of your email in the first paragraph. When you’re writing a cover letter, state the exact job you’re applying for in the first sentence or two. Don’t make people wade through loads of details before they understand why you’re writing in the first place.

2. Be concise. Speaking of getting to the point, do it quickly and then wrap up. We live in a world of multi-taskers, so conciseness is the only way to keep people’s attention (140 characters is quickly becoming our average attention span). When I review resumes, cover letters and networking emails, my first piece of advice to the writer is almost always, “make it shorter.” When you write concise, powerful sentences and paragraphs, people are more likely to pay attention. Long, rambling communications get deleted.

3. Don’t trust spell check. Because you’re a generation that’s grown up with spell check, you tend to rely on it way too much. Spell check doesn’t catch errors like confusing “effect” and “affect” or “there,” “their” and “they’re.” And it never catches misspellings of the names of people, products or companies. When in doubt, have a human being check your work, not a computer.

4. Use proper capitalization and punctuation. my biggest pet peeve when it comes to emails i receive from college students is when everything is in lower case and there is very little punctuation if any at all trust me its not cute its really unprofessional so please dont do it thnx. AND NOTE THAT ALL CAPS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE YELLING.

5. Limit those exclamation points! This is another big pet peeve among the older professionals I meet!! Young people use way too many exclamation points!!!

6. Consult a writing manual. What do you do when you are unsure of a grammar or punctuation usage? If you’re like most people, you shrug your shoulders and say, “Well, hope I got that right!” This is not a wise strategy. Instead, consult a writing website or manual such as The Chicago Manual of Style or the Associated Press Style Guide. Taking a few extra seconds to look up a rule can land you a job or a promotion — it’s more than worth it.

7. Don’t hide behind your keyboard. Finally, don’t write when you should pick up the phone or talk to someone in person. Remember that the written word — especially in the form of an email — doesn’t always correctly convey the tone you intend. And, in situations like giving bad news, quitting a job or criticizing someone’s work, writing is simply a cop-out. Although it’s hard to have difficult conversations in person, you’ll thank yourself for doing the right thing.

What are your best writing tips? Please share!

Note: This blog post originally appeared on my “College to Career” blog on MyPath.com.

TAGS: Communication Skills, Generation Y

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”─ Epictetus (Greek philosopher)

I’ve been thinking about why people sometimes go so wrong in communicating, even when we are face-to-face with one another.  One of the quickest ways to damage a relationship – interrupting.

Some things to consider from Deborah Tannen’s work:

• Issues of dominance and control are triggered when people are interrupted. Whether you are the interrupter or the interuptee, interrupting is more than about the act itself. It triggers an emotional response.

• Sometimes women interrupt to show that they are supportive of the points the other person is making. She describes this as part of “rapport talk” ─ the way that women communicate both to convey information and build connection.

• The difference in communication styles between men and women can lead to unintended consequences, particularly when they interrupt men who generally use “report talk” ─ to both convey information and to establish status.

Other things to consider from my experience:

• There is a slight time gap between when the speaker stops talking and the listener can process what she heard.   We sometimes jump in to say more because during that processing period, we start to doubt ourselves. We worry that we weren’t clear in what we said so we say more.

• Sometimes we interrupt because we are worried that we will forget the fascinating point that comes to mind as the speaker is speaking.

• And in some cases, we just aren’t that into what the speaker is saying so we interrupt to move the conversation in a direction we find more satisfying.

Whatever the reason, be aware that if you interrupt, you take a risk.  Be conscious of a tendency to interruption you may have. Think about it during conversation.

• Ask yourself:

“Is he/she still processing what I’ve said before he/she responds to me?”

“Is the other person really finished speaking?”

• Tell yourself:

“If I wasn’t clear, he/she will ask me to clarify or restate what I said. I don’t have to do that gratuitously!”

• Discipline yourself to:

Take notes if you are concerned you’ll forget what you were thinking.

Focus being in the conversation; try not to allow disruptions to derail your concentration. If you are so worried or concerned about someone or something else, ask the person with whom you are talking to postpone the conversation. You might say, “This conversation is important to me and I want to give it the attention it deserves. Right now, I’m not able to do that because I am very concerned about a client matter. May I take care of that and then get back to you in an hour? That way, I’ll be able to give you my full attention.”

After your conversation, reflect on it.  Assess how well you were able to manage your tendency to interrupt if you have one.

Repeat as needed.

TAGS: active listening, business communication, Communication Skills

If you think it’s tough walking the thin pink line as a Caucasian woman in the workplace, try being a woman of color from another country!   Consider this letter that I recently received:

I am a 27 year old ambitious Indian woman.  I moved to the US about a year ago to work as a software engineer at IBM.  The problem I have is with speaking up in groups and team meetings.  Most of the time I cannot understand the context – such as when a television program or game show is being discussed.  But that is not the entire reason.  Can you help me to come out of this situation in a better way?

Yes I can help — and some of these tips will apply (with a little tweaking) to any woman who feels like an outsider at meetings due to cultural, gender, and other reasons.

• Take responsibility for your own behavior.  I’m glad that you recognize your discomfort is not entirely about not understanding context.  Although that is certainly part of it, there are also issues of assertiveness, risk-taking, friendliness, and the willingness to go out of your comfort zone that come into play here.  Identify 2 – 3 behaviors that you are not currently exhibiting that must become part of your repertoire if you are to be viewed as adding value to any gathering — social or business. Then focus on developing the related skills.  Two organizations that I highly recommend that can be of help here are Toastmasters and Dale Carnegie.  I’m sure your company even has its own Toastmasters chapter.
• Learn about “pop culture.”  Unfortunately, Americans are among the most ethnocentric people I’ve known.  This puts the onus of responsibility on you to learn as much as you can about the American culture and acclimate as quickly as possible.  Watching television, reading national magazines and newspapers, and blogging  are good ways to get an overview of popular culture.  It also provides you with some fodder for discussion.  This tip is similar to the one I give to women to read the sports section of the paper every Sunday.  At least you’ll be able to join the Monday Morning Quarterbacks!
• Increase your tolerance for risk by asking a few, what you may consider to be, “foolish” questions.  I’m certain that people will be delighted to help educate you once you show an interest in their topic — regardless of how serious or frivolous it may be.
• Extend invitations to others to join you for Indian cultural or religious events.  I fondly remember when a Cuban co-worker invited me to her home for dinner with her elderly mother who spoke no English but cooked a mean pot of frijoles negros (black beans).  It brought our relationship to a deeper level.
• Practice my rule for speaking early and often:  be among the first two or three people to speak up at any meeting and have your voice heard in 10  – 12 minutes intervals.  You can do this by asking a question, affirming what someone else has said, offering an opinion, or elaborating on an idea.  If you don’t speak up, people eventually won’t expect anything from you and you’ll become invisible — the kiss of death in a big company such as yours. 
• Don’t work through every lunch hour – periodically ask people to join you and use it as an opportunity to get to know them on a personal level.  Similarly, use doorway or hallway conversations for small talk.  So much of fitting in is about likeability and the more interest you show in others, the more likeable you’ll be. 
• Join company affinity programs.  On Wednesday I talked about women’s affinity programs, but there are also ones for other diverse groups in the workplace.  I’m almost certain your company has one that would be appropriate for you.

Being someone who is “different” from the majority in any group does present challenges.   The key is to develop a game plan for meeting those challenges and follow it consistently.

TAGS: bridging cultures, Communication Skills, Cultural diversity, Dale Carnegie, Toastmasters

A reader asks:

“One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get better at “self-promoting” at work but it is a bit awkward.  Am I the only one that feels this way?”

Many women find it difficult to call attention to their contributions. Why? There are lots of reasons, among them the fact that we are socialized to believe that “bragging” is not appropriate behavior. And it’s tricky – for both men and women, but especially for women. It’s a thin pink line line thing; we’re more accepting of men who make a point to take credit for their contributions than we are of women who do.

Your resolution is timely though – now more than ever before, it’s important to let people know about the value you bring to the company. With the unemployment rate at 7.2% and the unhappy news that the total number of jobs lost in the U.S. last year climbed to over 2.5 million, it’s clearly that a difficult time. The reality is, however, that those who keep their heads down, deliver excellent work and hope that others notice fall behind even in good times.

So you do have to get comfortable with communicating about your contributions.

How?

• I believe that the best way is to think differently about the issue. Rather than thinking about it as bragging, think about it as relating a story with your role woven into the narrative. For example, your objective is tell others the story about how your team pulled together to deliver the project on time for the client despite challenges that included (include specific details and actions you took to manage them). Note that the focus is on the business story – the client got what it needed on time. Yet, your role as Best Supporting Leader is an integral part of the story. By re-framing the chore of self promotion into a business communication, you will find it easier to do.

• Write out your stories, even if you plan to tell them verbally. The discipline will help you to balance your contribution with the rest of the story.

• Plan strategically to be sure that the right people learn about contributions you’ve made.

• Always have a Reader’s Digest version of your most important or latest story ready in case you meet someone senior at the elevator who asks you what has been keeping you busy.

Walt Whitman said, “If you done it, it ain’t bragging.”  True, but Walt didn’t have to walk the thin pink line.

TAGS: bragging, Communication Skills, personal branding, self-promotion

Asking for help is a good thing.

Asking for help in a way that requires too much of the person whose help you are soliciting is not.

Let me give you an example; the other day, I received the following email message:

Please HELP, I think may have chosen the wrong career path which has proven to really be a dead end. At this point, I feel trapped and do not know what to do. Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.

Now how could I help this person without responding with a list of questions to learn a lot more about her situation?

I would have been able to offer some specific suggestions had she provided information about:

• The career path she has chosen

• Why she chose it in the first place

• Why she thinks it is a “dead end”?

• Why she feels trapped

• What, if anything, she likes about her current job

• What she dislikes about it

• What kind of background she has (education, experience, skills, etc.)

• What kind of support system she has, if any

You get the idea…

As it is, I was able to only offer “generic’ advice. Of course, I could have sent her the list of questions above but it seemed to me that she might have anticipated that I would need that information and included it. As it was, it seemed to be just too much effort for me to help a stranger.

If you want help, make it easy for people to help you.

TAGS: Coaching Tips, Communication Skills, support

If you didn’t see my post last week about the ABCs of career resolutions, e-mail me at info@drloisfrankel.com and I’ll send those to you.  Today I want to give five tips for how to answer questions in a way that makes you sound like a pro. 

1.  Answer what you’re asked.  It may sound obvious, but it’s not.  Too often women give more information than is needed in response to a simple question.  Tell the listener what they need to know… not what you think they should know.  Know when to stop and allow others to ask for additional information.

2.  Identify the type of question asked and respond accordingly.  Is it a multiple choice question?  Essay?  Yes/No question?  Listen carefully and respond based on the question, not based on what you want to share.  People only want to hear what they’ve asked. 

3.  Match the length of your response to the question itself.  Generally speaking, your response should be about as long as the question.  An essay question might require a bit more information, but limit your response using the fewest words required to answer.  Remember, brevity brings clarity.

4.  Check for understanding.  Rather than using more words than needed, stop and ask, “Did I answer your question?”  If so, you can stop.  If not, you can use a few more words to clarify.

5.  Use numbers to signify the points you will make.  Begin by saying something like, “There are three points I’d like to make with regard to this question.”  This will not only cue the listener as to what to listen for, it cues you to stay on point.

TAGS: answering questions, Communication Skills, speak with confidence

Lucinda from London wrote asking for advice on how to “articulate an intelligent idea in a public meeting” with colleagues. She said she works in a highly political atmosphere and wants to encourage a healthy debate, not just sniping at her idea. Here are some tips for how to be taken seriously without going over the The Thin Pink Line:

• The most memorable or important part of your message, whether you’re answering a question or giving an opinion, should be your lead sentence. Don’t fall into the trap of giving a lot of background information then getting to your point. In this day and age of sound bytes people have very short attention spans.
• Back up your first sentence with just two or three pieces of supporting information of data points. When you get to the third one, stop and move people toward a decision or taking action with a simple phrase like, “Is there any reason why we shouldn’t move forward on this?” or “What questions can I answer to make you comfortable making a decision about this?” Resist the temptation to fill in silence with continued talking. Be patient and wait.
• When responding to questions listen carefully for the type of question being asked. If it’s a yes/no questions, then the first thing out of your mouth must be yes or no. If it’s a multiple choice question you must choose one of the options and give two or three reasons why you did so.
• Keep in mind the maxim, “Short sounds confident.” Most women can reduce the length of their communications by about 20%. Trust me, the extra words won’t be missed.

Putting it all together sounds something like this, “I propose we devote an additional 15% of the budget next year to marketing. There are three reasons why I say this. First, we haven’t updated our marketing plan in over five years. Second, in the last year alone the elements of successful marketing campaigns have changed dramatically. And third, we anticipate adding an new product that will require a launch within the next 18 months. Can we agree to do this?”

TAGS: Communication Skills, Making Your Point, Presentation Skills

I just wrote a comment (below) in response to Carol’s important post.  Salary inequity is a problem that can haunt you your entire career — especially if you believe others will consider you a “loose canon” if you try to rectify it.  There are few things that can’t be explored and even challenged at work if you do so in politically astute ways.  I wrote The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics to help people with that part.  If you’re petulant or constantly perturbed instead of observant and astute, it’s difficult to change anything.  Carol is absolutely right about finding ways to learn where your salary stands and raises too.  You have to know your worth and assert it.  Otherwise other people take advantage — one of those human nature things!

TAGS: Communication Skills, Pay Disparity, Political skills, salary