Politics aside, Adam Nagourney’s piece on John McCain’s management style in Sunday’s New York Times made me think of bad bosses.  He reports that Jill Hazelbaker, McCain’s campaign spokeswoman, had a strong reaction to the fact that McCain had thrown her under the bus by publicly disagreeing with her when she implemented a strategy he had previously agreed to. Reportedly, Hazelbaker was so displeased that she refused to take his apology call. 

You too may have had the experience of having to deal with a boss who says one thing in private and something else in public, particularly when things get tough. You know, the boss who says, “Tell that client we won’t budge on the price!” but caves when the client calls him directly. Or the boss who tells you that you have 15 minutes on the agenda to present at the meeting but interrupts you after only five minutes have elapsed.

What to do when it happens again?

• Don’t react in the moment. Take a deep breath. Do not show your frustration in your tone of voice or body language either.
• Reflect carefully. Is this a one-time mistake or, as it seems it is in McCain’s case, a recurring pattern? If it is the former and not too grievous, you may decide to ignore it and move on. If it is a pattern, you’ve got a problem.
• Try to figure out why he/she did it. Did he simply forget what you had agreed to? Did she change her mind because she got more information? Or did he decide to save himself at your expense?
• Decide how, when and where to broach the subject. Usually, face to face meetings are the best choice but an email or phone call may be your method of choice in some situations. Pick a time (after you’ve cooled down) when you can get his/her uninterrupted attention and when you won’t feel rushed. Meet in a quiet place where you can have a private conversation.

Two days later, a follow-up Nagourney article on McCain’s campaign, identified the spokesperson as Brian Rogers ─ I wonder what happened to Hazelbaker? If you often find yourself under the bus, you may want to find a new boss. It’s not healthy to breathe exhaust fumes regularly!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Coaching Tips, dealing with passive aggressive people, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, loyalty at work, politics at work, self-esteem, Women at Work, Women In the Professions

Don’t you just love pesky neighbors?  We’ve got one who wants us to trim our trees because they block the view from her kitchen window while she’s washing dishes.  It’s not like she has a panorama of the city or anything.  It’s just one small window and the trees only bother her when she does the dishes (which can’t be all that often since she lives alone and travels a lot).  We’ve told her several times that we want the fullness of the trees throughout the summer because they shade the house but that when we trim them in the Fall we’ll take her needs into consideration.  In an effort to get us to do what she wants she says things like, “I thought I had nice neighbors” and ”I thought I was buying a home with a view” (right - it’s Pasadena not Malibu).  She even told another neighbor that I was hostile to her.  This is typical passive aggressive behavior.  If you listen to only the words they seem benign, but at the heart of it there’s no interest in the other person’s viewpoint or needs.  So how do you handle a passive aggressive person?  It’s not easy, but here are a few tips:

1. Don’t go for their bait.  They want to engage you in an argument where you wind up as the bad person and they wind up as the victim.  This can’t happen if you don’t respond to nonsensical statements such as, “I thought I had nice neighbors.”
2. Stay neutral by acknowledging without agreeing.  To keep the conversation on an even, objective keel use statements like, “I can understand your concern” or “I understand why it’s important to you.”  This usually soothes the passive aggressive personality. 
3. Be clear about your intentions.   Passive aggressive people often take your words and twist them to suit their needs.  That’s harder to do if you are crystal clear about the actions you intend to take (eg. “My plan is to trim the trees in the Fall…”). 
4. Get/put as much as you can in writing.  When dealing with passive aggressive people at work it helps to get things in writing so that you can refer back to it when they conveniently forget what was agreed to or renege on their commitments. 

TAGS: assertive skills, assertiveness, dealing with passive aggressive people, pesky neighbors