This week, Lois and I will send the Nice Girls Don’t Win at Life: 99 Ways to Get the Respect You Deserve, the Success You’ve Earned and the Things You Want manuscript back to our editor at Crown Publishing. Yes, we’re excited!

Our work is almost done — we submitted the manuscript at the beginning of June, received and reviewed our editor’s excellent suggestions in July and, last week got the well copy-edited version, which we are now returning for proofing and other production related tasks.

As far as I’m concerned, this book has been a joy to write and I attribute a great deal of my enthusiasm about it to the quality of the collaborative experience I’ve shared with Lois. Not only did working together make the book better but we had a lot of fun along the way.

What made our collaboration work? I’m sharing my perspective in the hope it’ll be useful to you when you next have the opportunity to collaborate with someone. Your chance may present itself when you work with a colleague on a project, with another volunteer to further a worthy cause or in any one of a number of different situations. The recipe for success:

• Agree on a process and a timeline. We decided to build the book’s outline together and then divide the work evenly. We also agreed to exchange and edit each other’s work at certain intervals.It’s useful to work out a process early on so that everyone’s clear about how things will get accomplished. In addition, we set a timeline, working backward from when the manuscript was due.

• Communicate early and often — and not just by email! Although Lois is on the west coast and I am on the east coast, we set aside time to work together in person as we began to write the book. It was time well invested — benefits included a surge of creative energy and a strong start to the book’s outline. After that, we talked via telephone regularly and emailed one another often.Consider a face-to-face meeting to kickoff your project; if it is at all feasible, the effort will probably provide a big pay-off. And mix it up — although email may be easier, it’s good to talk with your collaborator at least once in a while!

• Respect one other. Lois and I chose to join forces because we knew we’d bring different strengths to the project and admired each others’ work. The fact that we like one another as much as we do, although wonderful, isn’t required for a successful collaboration. Even if you had no choice regarding the person with whom you are working, take the time to identify the knowledge, skills and personal attributes that he or she bring to the party.Respect also means you have to stick to the schedule unless there’s a true emergency. Not only does a delay pose a risk that you won’t be able to deliver the project on time, it also sends a message to the person with whom you’re working that you don’t value his/her time as much as you value your own.

Readers, what other suggestions do you have for successful collaboration?

TAGS: Collaboration, LinkedIn, Nice Girls Don't Win at Life

Last week, I visited with my sister and brother-in-law, both university professors. Over dinner, they recounted stories about students who don’t attend class, do very poorly on exams and, when the final test and grade is imminent, show up at office hours pleading for a passing grade (or, in the case of one particularly memorable student, a B, which he needed to pull up his overall average so that he could graduate). Hmmm…Of course, whether these students graduate or not, chances are they’ll enter the work force with the same sense of entitlement.

Jean M. Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University and W. Keith Campbell, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Georgia have joined forces to call attention to what they describe as a national epidemic – narcissism. Their excellent book, The Narcissism Epidemic, is grounded in research that may shock you regarding just how widespread the problem is. And it is growing —Twenge and Campbell report that in 2006, two-thirds of college students scored higher on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Inventory than college students had twenty years earlier. And they add:

“The upswing in narcissism appears to be accelerating: the increase between 2000 and 2006 was especially steep. The changes were especially large for women; men still score higher on narcissism than women, but young women are closing the gap.”

The book makes the point that not only does the narcissism epidemic affect the narcissists themselves, it impacts the workplace and society more broadly. Who among us hasn’t been frustrated by people whose inflated sense of self means that we have to wait in a line while they blithely go directly to the front, listen to their stories while keeping our own to ourselves or do more work (or less interesting work) while they grab the glory?

What steps can you take to combat the problem? Given the prevalence of narcissism in the workplace, chances are you won’t be able to “just say no” to working with those affected with the disorder. So, consider offering the gift of feedback. If you are in a position of power, you have a responsibility to use your authority for good. Offer specific and timely feedback regarding how the narcissist’s behavior has affected the team’s efforts and the department’s results. Even if you’re not the boss, think about ways you might be able to deliver a message.

• Role model the behavior you wish to see. In some cases, the narcissist has no idea of alternatives to his or her typical behavior. You can show them other ways of working.
• When the narcissist claims credit for the department’s success, remind him or her about the contributions of other team members.
• If the narcissist interrupts others while they are speaking, tell them to hold the thought until it is their turn to have the floor.
• Reward the narcissist when he or she behaves more appropriately. Let them know you noticed.

And, If you are a parent, do your part at home too. don’t confuse helping your children to build healthy self-esteem with raising them to think the world revolves around them.

And I encourage all readers to read Twenge’s blog at Psychology Today.

TAGS: co-workers, colleagues, Generational issues, LinkedIn, narcissism

You may have read about Steven Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who, on a particularly bad day, decided he’d had enough? Although there have been conflicting versions of the facts about what really happened, it seems that a passenger stood to retrieve her bag from the overhead bin before the pilot had turned off the “fasten seat-belt” sign and, when Steven asked her to sit down, refused. This must have been the breaking point for Steven. He used the intercom to vent his frustration in very salty language, grabbed a couple of beers, pulled the emergency exit slide chute and used it to “deplane”.

Yes, he’s now facing criminal charges.

Okay, that alone would have been story enough. But I think  the more interesting story is the fact that Steven now has almost 200,000 fans on Facebook. He’s become a folk hero for many who are frustrated with their jobs and view him as someone who had the chutzpah to do something dramatic about it. Even the most jaded among us can empathize with the bad behavior flight attendants (and others in customer facing service roles) have to deal with on a daily basis. But it seems to me that unless Steven is independently wealthy and doesn’t need another job, his actions will cause any prospective employer to think twice before hiring him.

Few people have the luxury of walking away from a job without another in hand and, even if they were miserable before they quit, many stick to the old adage, “Don’t burn your bridges”. What can you do then when you reach the boiling point?

• Take a deep breath. It will make you calmer.

• Appreciate the other person’s situation. Take a second to think about why the person might behaving badly – is it fear or exhaustion or another emotion that has affected him/her? Although bad behavior is bad behavior, if you are able to empathize with the other person’s reasons for behaving badly, often you can reduce your own anger and frustration and defuse a difficult situation before things get unmanageable.

• Go to the balcony. This is a negotiation technique that can be very effective; it means you take at least a few moments to imagine you are on a balcony, looking at the situation from a distance. It’s ideal if you can excuse yourself physically but even if that’s not practical, the break in the action changes the dynamic.

TAGS: don't burn your bridges, LinkedIn, reaching the boiling point, Steven Slater

Last week, Elena Kagan was confirmed to the United States Supreme Court — she’ll join Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor to constitute a “critical mass” of women on the highest court in the country (with apologies to our non-U.S. readers). Critical mass, a theory first posed by Harvard professor and renowned business thought leader, Rosabeth Moss Kanter, is the concept that once the number of women reaches 30% in an organization, they are no longer “tokens”. Their actions are seen as those of organizational decision-makers, rather than through the lens of gender.

Whew! What a relief! Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman on the Court, must have been lonely when she took her seat. For a long time, everything from her choice to wear a lace jabot with her robe to her hairstyle was scrutinized. Justice Ginsburg, who joined her on the Court in 1993, stated she was lonely when O’Connor retired.  Quoted by USA Today, Ginsburg said:

“…I didn’t realize how much I would miss her until she was gone.”

Critical mass is important to women who don’t serve on the U.S. Supreme Court too. Those of us who’ve been in the workplace for a while can clearly remember being the only woman in the room — it wasn’t fun. And, regardless of your tenure in the workplace, it’s important to reach out to help other women to be successful. Consider your behavior:

• Are you a diva? Divas believe that there is room for only one woman in a starring role — and that she’s in line for the part. Today’s workplace, as competitive as it is, has room for more than one female lead. Don’t make the mistake of approaching your female colleagues from a perspective of scarcity.

• Are you in denial? Some successful women are reluctant to admit that playing field is not yet even. They figure that because they were able to make it, the obstacles really weren’t that daunting. Other women shouldn’t expect things to be better — after all, shouldn’t they suffered too?

• Or, are you a doer? Doers help other women to build strategic networks. They mentor other women. They do what they can to help other women to succeed.

As Madeleine Albright said, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

Stay away from there!

TAGS: critical mass, Elena Kagan, LinkedIn, U.S. Supreme Court

Every day it seems that social media is growing and changing — there are new sites to join, new privacy settings to deal with, new features to add and customize. It can all be pretty overwhelming. If you want to be active on social media but still have a life, here are some simple tips to follow. I’ll be sharing five tips this week and five tips next week.

1. Own your online brand. One of the main reasons social media is important is because people are Googling you. By having a few great social media profiles, you’ll have some control over your online image and what people can discover about you. Google yourself regularly to check on your progress.

2. Make sure people find you. Most people will look you up on Google because they’ve had some contact with you, so make sure to drive them to the best online information about you. Link to your professional LinkedIn profile in places like your email signature line, your business card and any place else you provide your contact information.

3. Choose your platforms wisely. If you don’t live and breathe social media, you probably don’t want to follow every new trend and join every new site that pops up. My recommendation for professionals is to focus your social media efforts on LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter. LinkedIn is the essential professional directory — it’s like a business needing to be in the yellow pages. Facebook is the essential personal directory — the place to keep in touch with friends and family who can support your career efforts. And Twitter is essential for research.

Read the rest of this post on my “College to Career” blog at MyPath.com…

TAGS: Facebook, LinkedIn, Social Media, social networking, Twitter

As the month of August begins, if you haven’t taken time off yet, it’s time to stop being so busy and consider taking a vacation. Whether you are employed by a company or own your own business, you can’t afford not to opt out for at least a few days to recharge your batteries.

You may be thinking that it’s impossible to get away — too much work to do, the potential impact on clients and colleagues, etc. Yet, research done by the Boston Consulting Group published in Harvard Business Review in October 2009 showed that even consultants, whose extreme schedules are legendary, can take time off with no adverse effects. Those who did enjoyed many benefits including increased job satisfaction, better work/life balance and improved collaboration and communication with colleagues.

What can you do to ensure the world keeps turning while you are on vacation?

• Plan ahead.
  Choose the time you’ll take off carefully — set yourself up for success by carefully coordinating with clients and colleagues to be sure you can leave with a clear conscience. When I know I will be out of the office for any period of time, in addition to making sure I have coverage for the phones and e-mail, I often give my clients a “heads up” so they can let me know if they anticipate needing my help and I can take care of it before I leave.

• Use technology.
  Use an autoresponder for e-mail to let people know when you will return and whom they can contact in the meantime if they need to reach someone urgently. By the way, you may want to add an extra day to give yourself time to catch up when you get back.

• Guard your time off fiercely.
  You’ll be tempted to say yes to just one conference call or to delivering just one small project while you’re on vacation. Don’t let “vacation creep” ruin your time off — the time involved is always more than you think it will be and the fact that you have agreed to do whatever it is will be a distraction when you are trying for relaxation.

Readers, what other suggestions do you have?

TAGS: LinkedIn, taking time off, vacation

As of last week, courtesy of Sarah Palin, before “refute” and “repudiate”, there’s now a new word in the dictionary— “refudiate”. Palin used”refudiate” in a tweet, clearly an error since her original post has since been corrected. What I found interesting what not the fact that Palin made a mistake (she’s done that before) but the way she handled it. When called on her error, she didn’t apologize. Instead, she tweeted in response:

“Refudiate,” “misunderestimate,” “wee-wee’d up.” English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!”

Instead of an “oops, my bad”, Palin’s response implied she found the English language inadequate to express her thoughts, so like Shakespeare, had to create a new word. Read that as, “What mistake? I didn’t make a mistake.” And, just in case we didn’t buy the argument that current language constrained her, Palin’s Plan B was to remind us that even Presidents make word gaffes every now and again (some more often than others).

My first reaction was to think Palin should have quickly admitted she’d made a mistake and then moved on. But, on second thought, perhaps she did the right thing. Perhaps her “deny and distract” strategy is something women should consider more often since career success is not always enhanced by saying, “I’m sorry”.

A recent Time Magazine article noted that research shows women apologize more than men do at work. Deborah Tannen‘s cites studies reaching the same conclusion in Talking From 9 to 5.
Clearly, there are some times when you should admit an error but it’s useful to not to do so as a default behavior. Some guidelines to consider:

• Avoid “ritual” apologies. Tannen points out that women sometimes say, “I’m sorry” as a component of conversation rather than an acceptance of blame. Women sometimes say they’re sorry for things outside their control, for example, “I’m sorry it’s such a miserably hot day.” Ritual apologies can have the effect of putting you in a one-down position in the conversation. Why go there just because it’s a habit?

• Pay attention to the culture in which you’re working and the preferences of those with whom you work. Politicians are notoriously reluctant to admit their transgressions, large or small, no matter how obvious. But you may be working in a company or for a boss that expects people to own up to their quickly admit mistakes — ignoring those cues is dangerous to your career health.

• Distinguish between situations where you’ve done more harm than simply mangling language. If you’ve made a serious mistake or hurt someone, there is no question that you should make sincere amends quickly.

Readers, what do you think? Have you been too apologetic? Have you seen other women fall into this trap?

TAGS: apologizing too much, LinkedIn

I heard a story last week that reminded me about the importance of having the right attitude. A woman recounted that she had spent the morning playing with her young children and, leaving them with a babysitter, the afternoon running errands. She went to the grocery store, the dry cleaner, the fish store and the drugstore, each time having extraordinarily pleasant interactions with the people she encountered. By the time she was finished, she was almost giddy because she’d had such a wonderful afternoon. After she arrived home, she glanced in the mirror. To her amazement, the whiskers and funny nose she’d drawn on her face while playing with her children in the morning still remained. People must have been reacting to her obvious sense of playfulness!

Although I am not suggesting you need to literally draw a happy face on your own, I do believe we often make things worse for ourselves by reacting badly when things don’t go the way we’d like them to. Clearly, we don’t control the outcomes of many things; what we can control is our reactions. And, our reactions make all the difference. Some ideas:

• Before you react, take a deep breath. Not only does the breath have a positive physical effect, it gives you time to think about how best to react.

• Think about the situation from the other person’s perspective. Most people don’t get up in the morning, look themselves in the mirror and vow to be miserable to others throughout the day (of course, there are some exceptions). People have their own rationales for behaving the way they do. If you try to put yourself in their place, you’ll be better able to empathize with them. Don’t confuse empathy with agreement however — you may still disagree, you’ll just do it more pleasantly if you are empathetic.

• Fake it till you feel it. Even if you’re not in the best mood, force yourself to smile or at least to keep your face neutral rather than frowning. Not only will you appear more pleasant to others but you may even for yourself.

Readers, what other things work for you?

TAGS: attitude, happiness, LinkedIn

If you feel you can’t ever seem to get your inbox under control, you’re not alone.  But you have good reasons:

• The average business user receives 25 email messages per day; increasing 10% per year

• The average business user spends 2.6 hours per day reading and responding to email

• It takes 77 minutes a week for an employee to manage their mailbox, such as cleaning out old messages and filing old messages or attachments

• It takes 27 minutes for a user to delete or archive enough messages in order to be able to use the e-mail system again after hitting a “quota limit”

• It takes 8.2 minutes for a user to find an email that is older than two weeks

Source: Intermedia.net:

Some reflections:

• Pick a system, any system. Although I am no productivity expert (trust me!), I have implemented a system that works for me – most of the time.  There are many different systems, the key is to select one and then to use it consistently.

• Make your own rules. With your company culture in mind and in keeping with whatever email system you use, set your own standards regarding what is a reasonable time period for responding to messages.

• Just click “delete”. If someone forwards one of those “send this to 10 people or your nose will fall off” emails to you doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Readers, what other suggestions can you offer to keep the email dragon under control?

TAGS: email, LinkedIn, productivity

Last week, the following question came up:

“What advice do you have about negotiating deadlines? I know that my boss creates arbitrary deadlines driven by his anxiety, not by client demand. I am concerned that if I set any limits, particularly because I am a mother, I will be perceived as less than committed to my job.”

Many of us have faced this dilemma — how to handle a boss who makes it difficult to manage deadlines realistically way and a life simultaneously. Every situation is different but here are some considerations that may prove helpful:

• Don’t take it personally.
  Research shows that the question of whether a woman’s personal life will interfere with her dedication and commitment to her job is still common in the workplace. It is clear that there is a “motherhood penalty” — and ironically enough, even women who do not have children are viewed suspiciously. After all, someday they may become mothers!

  So, this is not about you specifically. Rather, as a woman, you are dealing with deeply ingrained stereotypes about the role of women in the workplace, particularly in client service organizations.

• Recognize you’re in a negotiation.
  The goal is to find a way to meet the needs of all of the parties involved — the client, the boss and you. If you just stay late without trying to change the paradigm, your needs will not be met and eventually your frustration will grow.
• Assume good intentions.
  Chances are your boss is not just being difficult for the sake of being difficult. Put yourself in his or her shoes – what are the likely concerns? If you are able to empathize, it’s easier to come up with creative solutions.
• Learn as much as you can.
  Gather information about how others have managed similar deadlines. What can you learn from their experiences? Approach people in your strategic network to ask for advice about both the personalities involved and the situation itself.
  
• Sit on the same side of the table.
  This should not be “your” problem. It really should be a shared problem since you are a valued member of the team, whose needs matter too. The challenge is to help others to see that solving the problem benefits them as well as it does you. That requires that you have a mindset focused on engaging your boss to collaborate with you. What steps can you and she, as a team take to ensure the work gets done well and that you can leave at a reasonable time? Perhaps she can offer additional resources to assist you. Perhaps she can take some other, less important responsibilities off your plate. This is where creativity counts but it takes two to tango.

Readers, what other advice would you add?

TAGS: LinkedIn, Women at Work, work life balance