I heard a terrific story the other day about a woman (let’s call her Anne) who had recently attended a Negotiating Women workshop.

Afterward, Anne wrote us to say that she had used what she learned at the session. She is going on a cruise with a friend next month and when she spoke with her travel agent, she learned that the cruise was not full. A day or so later, Anne thought that she “might negotiate”. So she called back and asked, “Since the ship isn’t full, what might you do for us?” To her surprise, the response was, “Let me see.” So far, Anne has gotten an upgraded cabin but it isn’t over yet; she thanked the travel agent and asked for more. The travel agent told her that she’d check with her supervisor and get back to her.

Of course, Anne is delighted ─ she said that while she knew that there are discounts out there now, that if it hadn’t been for the session, she never would have thought to ask.

So, as you see, it pays to ask. Anne was also very smart about the approach she took. What specifically did she do? She:

• Asked politely. People are always willing to do more when the request comes as a question rather than a demand.
• Asked for something that she was likely to get ─ the cabin upgrade costs the cruise line nothing because the ship would sail with it empty anyway. It means a lot to Anne, however, since her original cabin was one of the smallest on-board.
• Thanked the travel agent for the concession.
• Continued to explore other possibilities.

Before Anne speaks to the travel agent again, she might want to do some research to determine what other people have asked for and got by checking travel blogs. That way, she will have even more information to position her request, for e.g., “I’ve been reading that some of the cruise lines are also offering discounts on side excursions. In fact, I’ve heard that some are offering discounts of 50% on the Jeep tour of Aruba ─I’d be interested in doing that one if the price was reasonable.”

My guess is that Anne will enjoy her vacation much more because she negotiated! And even if you’re not fortunate enough to be negotiating about a vacation you plan to take, think about asking for concessions whenever you are shopping.

TAGS: diccounts, negotiation skills, negotiators

A friend sent me a link to HR Morning where Jim Giuliano discussses the subject of women who bully other women.  He quotes a study indicating that women bullies target other women more than 70% of the time.  I have no doubt the statistic is correct, but regardless of what others say, I question the prevalence of women bullying other women.  In my long career I’ve been bullied or abused by plenty of women — but I’ve been bullied or abused by even more men.   Here are some things to consider:

• Could it be that you’re more likely to remember and respond negatively to a woman bully because you don’t expect to be treated badly by one of your own? 
• Are you more likely to “tolerate” a male bully because you feel you have little recourse or don’t know how to respond? 
• Are women are more likely to take their frustrations out on other women because to direct it toward men is a recipe for disaster?   The women they target may get upset, but they’re less likely to lash back as would most men who are attacked. 
• Are you more likely to describe assertive behavior on the part of other women as “bullying?”  Do you unknowingly perpetuate the belief,  ”if a man did it he would be assertive, if a woman does the same thing she’s aggressive.” 

Don’t get me wrong.  Bullying, harassment, and abuse of any kind are not acceptable workplace behaviors.  They should not be tolerated or condoned by managers and every employer should have a clearly written and widely distributed policy addressing  its position against these behaviors.  But the first step has to be taken by you.  Bullies usually back down when confronted.  Here are some tips for how you can deal with bullies and maybe even change the tenor of your workplace:

1.   Privately discuss your reaction to being treated less than respectfully.  Simply state the facts of what happened, how it made you feel, and what you would like to have happen in the future.  No need to argue about it, it’s your experience.

2.   Check into your company’s policy on non-harassment.  If there isn’t one, go to HR with a few colleagues and suggest there be one and training to accompany it.  Don’t be  the lone ranger on this one — there’s safety in numbers. 

3.   Comment on inappropriate behavior directed toward others.  As the saying goes, “you must be the change you wish to see.”  If someone else is being bullied or abused step in and suggest a time out so that everyone feels respected.  Don’t accuse, just observe.

4.   Read Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matter Most and/or Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stake Are High  We frequently recommend both books to our clients and have heard how helpful they are. 

5.   Take one or more of Negotiating Women’s On-Line E-Learning Courses  As Carol has said many times, the business of negotiating is the business of relationships.  Learning how to negotiate will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself in any situation.

TAGS: Bully broads, Coaching Tips, how to handle aggressive people, negotiation skills, women bullies, Women In the Professions, workplace bullying

This is the second post I wrote to help entrepreneurs- both the finalists in the Yahoo Seeds for Success Program as well as The Think Pink Line readers. :

In addition to the negotiation planning process I wrote about earlier, I also offered some suggestions to the Seeds For Success finalists about negotiation process. Among them:

1. Create your business’s “standard” way of doing things and use that as a way to kick off a negotiation. For example, a “Usual Terms and Conditions” one-pager that you can use to describe the ways you do business. This is not to say that you can’t change any or all of these but it can make opening the conversation easier and can keep you on track so that you remember to bring up the things that are important for you to discuss.
2. Choose the method you’ll use to negotiate. Think about the people with whom you will be negotiating and plan a strategy. For example, one of the business owners is planning a trip to China to meet her suppliers in person later this year. While email has had to suffice in the meantime, she wants to build the relationship by spending some time fact to face.
3. Strike the business deal first, then ask your attorney to document it, advising you of the legal issues you should consider. Don’t delegate negotiating the business part of things to your lawyer – that’s not her expertise.

Paying attention to the negotiation process won’t solve all the issues that you’ll be negotiating about, but my experience is that it can certainly help!

This post also appeared on Shine, Yahoo’s new destination site for women.

TAGS: business owners, entrepeneurs, negotiation skills, playing to win, small business

Lois and I are both serving as mentors for the three finalists in the Yahoo Seeds for Success Program – how much fun it is to talk with such enterprising, energetic women!

Each of the entrepreneurs I spoke with was very clear about the myriad of opportunities to negotiate ─ with suppliers, service providers, independent contractors and, of course, customers and prospective customers.

For these three businesses as well as every other start-up I know though, when it comes to negotiation, it can seem as though it’s a clear case of David v. Goliath. So the question is:

How do you negotiate effectively when the other party has more leverage? (more…)

TAGS: business owners, entrepeneurs, negotiation skills, playing to win, small business

It was a treat to be asked for an interview by Cleo Thompson who writes the Gender Agenda for PricewaterhouseCoopers.  Cleo asks great questions and gave me the opportunity to think out loud about the critical importance of negotiation skills. 

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, negotiation skills, the thin pink line

Yesterday I attended a session called “Flexing the Workplace: New Ways to Get Work Done and Build Careers” spearheaded by Deborah Epstein Henry of Flex-time Lawyers and sponsored by the National Association of Women Lawyers. 

As you can probably guess from the title, the speakers discussed both research and recommendations for the ways that law firms can adapt and change to meet the demands of both men and women who don’t want to do things in the same way that they’ve always been done.

The issues are complicated.  And to make it even more challenging, law firms are culturally steeped in precedent and tradition so that change can be very painful. Patricia Gillette, co-founder of the Opt In Project and a wonderful speaker, quoted Carly Fiorina: “Change is like heaven; everyone wants to go there but nobody wants to die.”  So policies that allow for flexible work schedules don’t come easy.

But even if you work in a company that has managed to establish such policies, they don’t help unless you can actually use them without damaging your career.  The senior leadership in your firm has undoubtedly supported these policies because they make smart business sense.  But those below in the pecking order may not have the “big picture” in mind – these “frozen middle” people can make actually using flexible work policies difficult if not impossible.

That’s where negotiation comes in – it’s the way you can melt the ice. Three tips:

1. Be prepared. 
   The conversation you will have with your manager should help him or her to wholeheartedly support your decision. You have to be very clear about how you will continue to meet business objectives under the new arrangement.
2. Be aware. 
   Think about how your decision will affect your colleagues.  Will anyone be disaffected?  If so, how can you proactively manage the situation before resentment starts to fester?
3. Be firm. 
   While an occasional emergency may require that you respond immediately, think about how you can manage things so that the flexible schedule that you have designed doesn’t get eroded.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, Fairness at work, flexibility, Negotiation, negotiation skills, The National Association of Women Lawyers, The Opt In Project, Women In the Professions, work life balance

With all the talk of economic instability, it may seem untoward to be thinking about how to ask for a raise but if you have demonstrated the value you bring to your company, it very well may be feasible.  In fact, smart companies are more likely to want to keep their top talent satisfied in challenging times.

The May/June issue of Pink Magazine (cited here before) included 2007 survey results which indicated that 51% of women had asked for a raise, perk or promotion (down from 54% in 2006).  And it paid to ask – of those who did, 79% heard “yes”.

When you get ready to broach the subject, start by benchmarking what you should be paid.  Penelope Trunk (The Brazen Careerist) mentioned a few online sources she recommends in a recent post. This step is critical for women who get much better outcomes when they negotiate for themselves armed with good information. 

TAGS: Economy, income, income disparity, negotiating pay, Negotiation, negotiation skills, Penelope Trunk, recession, strategies for success, Women and Money, women's equality

While the food at the Chinese take-out restaurant we’ve been patronizing lately isn’t all that great, their fortune cookies are terrific.  My fortune the other night:

Doing what you like is freedom.  Liking what you do is happiness.

This bit of philosophy made me think of how very important it is to periodically reflect upon how happy you are with the work you do.  Of course, we all have bad days but, overall, you should be able to say that you enjoy the work you do – that, yes, it makes you happy.

If you can’t, perhaps it is a good time to figure out why – and then to change the situation.  Sometimes, you can negotiate for things that will increase your satisfaction, for example, a more challenging assignment or more resources to get the job done.  Or, if the problem is deeper, perhaps it’s time to make a different employment decision…

The main thing to keep in mind is that your career satisfaction matters most to you – nobody else, except perhaps your mom, cares that much.  Don’t let yourself down!

TAGS: career change, career goals, dealing with family expectations, Gratefulness, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, negotiation skills, personal brand building, personal development, ways to work healthy

Emotions ─ and our ability to control them ─ make all the difference in our negotiations.  And, the more important the negotiation is to us, the more challenging to manage our emotions.  I had a personal experience recently when my temper flared and, as a result, I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.  Yes, I knew better but still fell into the emotion trap.

Deepak Malhotra, Gillian Ku and J. Keith Murnighan’s Harvard Business Review article, “When Winning Is Everything” (May, 2008) discussed the problems negotiators face when they get so emotionally invested in besting the other party that their judgment suffers.  These experts isolate three drivers of what they call “competitive arousal”:

1. intense rivalry, especially when there is “history” between the parties
2. time pressure, a ticking clock increases anxiety
3. being in the spotlight, negotiating while others watch

Dan Ariely’s fascinating book, “Predictably Irrational” also discusses the risk we take when we underestimate the power of emotion; the decisions we make “in the heat of the moment” not only differ than those we make when we are cool, calm and collected but can get us in all sorts of trouble. (more…)

TAGS: business communication, competition, Dan Ariely, Deepak Malhotra, gaining confidence, Gillian Ku, Harvard Business Review, J. Keith Murnighan, negotiation skills, Self-trust

I’ve often thought it odd that people seem to be more reluctant to talk about their income than their sex lives-but that may be changing.  The NY Times reported yesterday that young people are more likely to share information about salary information (see Not-So-Personal Finance).  This trend is good news for women; the more women know about what others are making, the more likely they are to ask for what they are worth.

As you may know, the gender gap in pay affects not only older women but younger women as well.  For example, starting salaries of men with MBAs are 7.6% higher than those for women. Only 7% of women, but 57% of men asked for more money; those who negotiated increased starting salaries by 7.4%.

One of the things that makes the difference for women is good information.  So, keep up the sharing!

TAGS: differences between women and men, Fairness at work, financial planning, gaining confidence, negotiating pay, negotiation skills, Pay Disparity, Women at Work, women's equality