More frequently than ever, clients ask me to provide advice during my keynotes on how women can achieve more work/life balance (or the new term, “work/life intergration”).  As I’ve said before in The Thin Pink Line, when you’re climbing the ladder of success there’s not much balance.  Not only do we do just as much (if not more) work than our male counterparts, but then we go home and do more work than our spouses.  It’s not wonder there’s a happiness gap between men and women (NY Times article).  But this also shouldn’t be interpreted as meaning you have to give up any semblance of a personal life.

It’s not always a demanding job that causes your life to be out of balance.  It’s you and your choices.  Many women who want more balance don’t have it because they fall prey to “nice girl syndrome.”  They can’t say no, can’t ask for what they want, and think they have to be all things to all people before they can do what they want. 

I know from personal experience how difficult it is to maintain a meaningful career and a meaningful personal life.  But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the decades, it’s that I always had more power and choices than I acknowledged.  Here are some tips to help you with the challenge:

1.   Live your values.  What’s at the top of your values list?  Do you even know any longer?  If not, it’s time to take stock.  Your life — both inside and outside of work – will be far less fulfilling if you aren’t living your values.   

2.   Be strategic.  In See Jane Lead I tell the story of Mary Ann Chory who strategically planned how she could raise a family and climb the corporate ladder in a challenging job.  She accepted that there would be limitations on both ends, but managed to create a good balance by thinking through options each step of the way.  For example, if you want balance you can’t live an hour’s commute from home.  Or you can’t maintain a job that requires two weeks of travel per month. 

3.   Address your “workoholic” issues.  Many women put in more hours than necessary because, frankly, it’s easier or more pleasant to be at work than to be at home.  An alcoholic husband, no partner at all,  demanding children or parents — all are reasons why our lives may be out of balance. 

4.   Avoid perfectionism.  It’s an exercise in futility because you’ll never achieve the goal.  Men tend to know when “good enough is good enough.” Women, on the other hand, spend countless hours trying to make sure everything they do is flawless.  Some women I’ve coached can’t even differentiate between what would be more than acceptable vs. below par. 

5.   Learn to negotiate.   I know this must sound like an old story to you since we mention it so often in so many capacities, but it is a primary reason why your life may be out of balance.  Do you negotiate for the help you need to function optimally at work and at home?  Do you negotiate for time off or opportunities to telecommute?  If you’re not negotiating, you’re most likely not getting the full benefit of perks that are due you. 

6.   Exercise.  When the endorphins start flowing your perspective changes.  No longer are you caught up in simply doing — it frees you to “be” for a while.  Your mind can wander toward new ideas and alternative choices you may have never considered.

7.   Start affinity groups.  There’s safety in numbers.  Bringing together other women in your company or firm who share common concerns creates greater negotiating power.  Don’t be afraid to associate with other women.

8.   Live mindfully.  There’s an entire movement that furthers the concept of mindful living.  Essentially, it means that you make conscious choices in the moment rather than go through the paces of life based on what’s expected of you.  To learn more watch the Jon Kabat-Zinn video.   

Now I have a favor to ask.  I’d like to learn about your best practices for creating more balance in your life.  You can provide these in the comments section below or e-mail me privately at info@drloisfrankel.com.  Tell me your story and I’ll randomly choose one person to send a free copy of her choice of one of my books.

TAGS: living mindfully, living your values, mindfulness, Negotiation, women's affinity groups, work/life balance, work/life integration

The New York Times reported last week that the dire economic situation has affected men more than women as far as layoffs go. Since the recession has begun, men have lost more than 82% of all jobs lost. But the article also pointed out that these jobs have been lost in manufacturing and construction, industries particularly hard hit, rather than in health care and education where women tend to be employed. But this is not good news for either men or women because these jobs tend to pay less and offer fewer benefits.

There’s also an impact on the family dynamic — women who are suddenly thrust into the “breadwinner” role often retain the bulk of the household chores. Consider these statistics from the article:

On average, employed women devote much more time to child care and housework than employed men do, according to recent data from the government’s American Time Use Survey analyzed by two economists, Alan B. Krueger and Andreas Mueller.

When women are unemployed and looking for a job, the time they spend daily taking care of children nearly doubles. Unemployed men’s child care duties, by contrast, are virtually identical to those of their working counterparts, and they instead spend more time sleeping, watching TV and looking for a job, along with other domestic activities.

Couples interviewed admitted that the stress has affected their relationships. What can you do if you find yourself in this situation?

• Recognize that there is a need to renegotiate the roles and responsibilities of family members. Just because you’ve always cooked dinner, done the shopping and laundry, cleaned the house and orchestrated the children’s activities doesn’t mean you should continue to do so if your partner is unemployed. Rather than seething silently, have a frank discussion about what you will do differently now that circumstances have changed.

• Know what specific tasks you want your partner or children to pick up. Make sure that everyone understands how he/she will benefit from the change — for example, if you’ve been testy, be clear that help from others will put you in a better mood. After all, when Mom is happy, everyone is happy.

• Recognize that others won’t do things the way you do them — if necessary, relax your standards.

• Don’t take the efforts made for granted — make sure you recognize them if you want your family to keep it up.

Negotiating within the family is the most delicate kind of negotiation but it can be done successfully; win-win agreements makes for happy homes.

TAGS: home, Negotiation, win-win agreements

I read a disturbing statistic the other day─ people are much more likely (almost 50% more likely) to lie when using email to communicate than they are when using snail mail. Hmmm.  The results of study were published in a paper titled,  “Being Honest Online: The Finer Points of Lying in Ultimatum Bargaining”, co-authored by Lubia Belkin (Lehigh University), Terri Kurtzberg (Rutgers University) and Charles Naquin (DePaul University).

Kurtzberg commented:

“These findings are consistent with our other work that shows that e-mail communication decreases the amount of trust and cooperation we see in professional group-work, and increases the negativity in performance evaluations, all as opposed to pen-and-paper systems. People seem to feel more justified in acting in self-serving ways when typing as opposed to writing.”

While the sample size was small (48 MBA students at Lehigh University) and the findings limited to comparing email with traditional written communication, it made me wonder about implications for negotiation.

I’ve been concerned for awhile that the ubiquitous use of email as a method for people to communicate means that all too often, rather than pick up the phone or meet n person, people negotiate via email. I’ve asked groups with whom I’ve spoken why this is case.

(more…)

TAGS: email, Negotiation, negotiators

I read an interesting post last week on the Wall Street Journal “The Juggle” Blog about the need for working parents to rely on grandparents for childcare. Sue Shellenbarger made the point that in tough economic times, parents are more likely to have no alternative but to ask grandparents to help out but they often worry whether they are asking too much of their parents. That is certainly a valid concern and it seems to me that there is another challenge as well ─ how do you, as a parent, manage to enforce your parenting standards if your own parent (or even trickier, your parent-in-law) is the care-giver? The challenge is daunting!

My advice is to anticipate the situations you may face and have a frank conversation to preempt problems:

• Compare your style of parenting to your parent’s. What is your philosophy? Theirs? How are they similar? How do they differ? How will you communicate your philosophies to one another?

• What issues do you feel are flexible? Which are “non-negotiable” from your point of view?

• How will you provide feedback to one another regarding what’s working and what’s not?

Relationships between grandparents, parents and children can be enhanced when grandparents give their love and time by providing childcare.  The way to reduce stress from everyone’s perspective is to reach agreement on the things that matter.

TAGS: childcare, grandparents, managing your relationships, Negotiation, relationships

Yesterday I attended a session called “Flexing the Workplace: New Ways to Get Work Done and Build Careers” spearheaded by Deborah Epstein Henry of Flex-time Lawyers and sponsored by the National Association of Women Lawyers. 

As you can probably guess from the title, the speakers discussed both research and recommendations for the ways that law firms can adapt and change to meet the demands of both men and women who don’t want to do things in the same way that they’ve always been done.

The issues are complicated.  And to make it even more challenging, law firms are culturally steeped in precedent and tradition so that change can be very painful. Patricia Gillette, co-founder of the Opt In Project and a wonderful speaker, quoted Carly Fiorina: “Change is like heaven; everyone wants to go there but nobody wants to die.”  So policies that allow for flexible work schedules don’t come easy.

But even if you work in a company that has managed to establish such policies, they don’t help unless you can actually use them without damaging your career.  The senior leadership in your firm has undoubtedly supported these policies because they make smart business sense.  But those below in the pecking order may not have the “big picture” in mind – these “frozen middle” people can make actually using flexible work policies difficult if not impossible.

That’s where negotiation comes in – it’s the way you can melt the ice. Three tips:

1. Be prepared. 
   The conversation you will have with your manager should help him or her to wholeheartedly support your decision. You have to be very clear about how you will continue to meet business objectives under the new arrangement.
2. Be aware. 
   Think about how your decision will affect your colleagues.  Will anyone be disaffected?  If so, how can you proactively manage the situation before resentment starts to fester?
3. Be firm. 
   While an occasional emergency may require that you respond immediately, think about how you can manage things so that the flexible schedule that you have designed doesn’t get eroded.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, Fairness at work, flexibility, Negotiation, negotiation skills, The National Association of Women Lawyers, The Opt In Project, Women In the Professions, work life balance

With all the talk of economic instability, it may seem untoward to be thinking about how to ask for a raise but if you have demonstrated the value you bring to your company, it very well may be feasible.  In fact, smart companies are more likely to want to keep their top talent satisfied in challenging times.

The May/June issue of Pink Magazine (cited here before) included 2007 survey results which indicated that 51% of women had asked for a raise, perk or promotion (down from 54% in 2006).  And it paid to ask – of those who did, 79% heard “yes”.

When you get ready to broach the subject, start by benchmarking what you should be paid.  Penelope Trunk (The Brazen Careerist) mentioned a few online sources she recommends in a recent post. This step is critical for women who get much better outcomes when they negotiate for themselves armed with good information. 

TAGS: Economy, income, income disparity, negotiating pay, Negotiation, negotiation skills, Penelope Trunk, recession, strategies for success, Women and Money, women's equality

Erin Callan, the highest ranking and most visible woman on Wall Street, lost her job as chief financial officer at Lehman Brothers last week.  Suddenly.  The New York Times reported, “On Monday, Ms. Callan ended her call with analysts by saying, “I’m going to be happy to be back here talking to you again next week,’ she said.  On Thursday morning, however, Ms. Callan gathered belongings from her office and drove to her house in East Hampton on Long Island…”

Whether she was removed as reported by the Times or she voluntarily stepped down as the Wall Street Journal states, it is clear that she didn’t last long in the role.  Callan, a former tax lawyer and investment banker took the CFO job in December, 2007.  In an article for the Wall Street Journal last month, Suzanne Craig quoted Joseph Gregory, her mentor (who also lost his job as Lehman’s #2) as saying the company made a “leap” when it gave her the CFO job but that it wanted someone who could “really explain Lehman’s story.”

Have you heard of the glass cliff research?  It’s about the phenomenon that women are more likely to be appointed to leadership roles that carry a great deal of risk of failure.  It seems pretty clear that Lehman had some problems in December when Callan took the CFO role; the Lehman story she had to tell wasn’t very pretty. 

So what can we learn from this story? 

1. Don’t be too quick to say “yes” when an opportunity comes long.  Take some time to assess the situation carefully.
2. Don’t be seduced by the title or the trappings of the job. Ask plenty of questions including: “Why me?” and ”Why now?”
3. Think about the potential challenges you will face if you do take the job and figure out what you wlll need to mitigate the risk you face.  Then negotiate for that support and those resources.

It may be that Erin Callan knew exactly how steep the glass cliff was but the fall must still hurt.

TAGS: corner office, managing your career, Negotiation, new to the job, playing to win, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, women and careers, Women at Work, women leaders

Although I spent much of my career working predominantly with men, I’ve been spoiled over the past few years by having the privilege of speaking mostly to women’s groups and working with women. Why do I say spoiled?  Because it’s a joy to work with people who want to learn, grow, and even laugh at themselves.  I love that about women.  We’re not too proud to admit what we don’t know.  How could we be?  We’ve spent our lives hearing about our shortcomings and what makes us less capable than the other half of the humans inhabiting the planet.  Guys, on the other hand, have the most marvelous way of rationalizing ineptitude.  I mean that.  I wish I could be as good at it.  Like the day a friend and I were put in a golf foursome with two men we didn’t know.  The first fellow tees off and the shot hooks into the woods.  “Ohhh.  That’s too bad,” I said with empathy.  What does this guy reply?  Are you ready?  “It wasn’t a bad shot.  It just didn’t go where I wanted it to go.”  Yeah.  Right.

It’s not by accident that publishers are delighted when authors write self-help books for women.  Women buy far more of these books than men.   And this means not only do we know what we don’t know, we want to fix it!  Ya gotta love that.  Men?  Not only don’t they not know what they don’t know, they don’t want to know (did you follow that?).  I have a little internal gauge that tells me how much resistance I encounter in a day.  It’s a gauge that either screams for one good glass of chardonnay (an indication that I’m exhausted by the resistance) or has me high from the day’s activities (which means I experienced a day filled with the give and take of ideas and information).  Now I’m not saying I mind resistance — I believe it’s one way human beings maintain equilibrium.  A healthy degree of skepticism keeps you from throwing the baby out with the bath water.  But I have noticed that my supply of chardonnay lasts a lot longer when I work with women. 

So, girlfriends, keep up the self-exploration, continue to be open to feedback, and show the willingness to go outside your comfort zone if it means you’ll move one step closer to your personal or professional goals.  Here are some great organizations that can help you to achieve your best:

Personal growth and leadership development: www.ntl.org

Public speaking: www.toastmasters.org  

Negotiation skills: www.negotiatingwomen.org

Individual coaching:  www.coachfederation.org

Company-sponsored coaching & team building: www.corporatecoachingintl.com

Exploring career change:  www.vocationvacations.com

I know from experience that personal development is hard work — but you’re up to it.  And as the little girl who spent all day shoveling horse manure responds when asked what she’s doing, “With all this manure I know there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.”

TAGS: career change, Coaching, leadership development, men rationalizing, Negotiation, negotiation skills, personal development, self-help, team building, women learning