Emily wrote in asking how to work with a Queen Bee.  You know – those women who act as if there’s only room for one queen in the hive.  Whether it’s a bee or a b—–d you have to work with, here are some tips for maintaining your self-respect.   

·        My own philosophy is “kill ‘em with kindness.”  We can’t control the behaviors of others, only our own behavior.  If you stoop to their level they’ve made you one of them.  Regardless of how YOU are treated, rise above the fray and behave with dignity.  Not only will you feel better about yourself, you just might shift the dynamic when others see how a real woman handles difficult situations.

·        Use varying influence strategies.  There’s a wonderful book entitled The Empowered Manager (Peter Block) that talks about the different types of people with whom you interact in the workplace.  Even if you don’t manage people you might find his description of assessing people based on the combination of trust and agreement, then responding accordingly, helpful.  For example, if you have low trust and low agreement with someone you know you have to protect yourself through documentation, having witnesses present during difficult conversations, etc.  Or perhaps you have high agreement but low trust with a co-worker — this is the person who agrees with you to your face, but you can’t trust to follow through.  In this case, you must do everything possible to get commitment and remind him/her of the mutual decision. 

·        Have those “crucial conversations.”  This is the title of another book I like.  You can confront an unpleasant person in a pleasant way and maintain your self-respect.  I’ve found that in doing so I put them “on notice” that I can’t be pushed around.  For example, if someone embarrasses you in a meeting, have a discussion immediately following the meeting about your observation, how you felt about it and what you expect in the future.  Even if he/she doesn’t agree with you in the moment, you will decrease the likelihood of it happening a second time. 

·        When all else fails, vote with your feet.  There are some organizations and agencies that are “scrappier” than others.  It’s their playing field and it’s unlikely you will change it.  If you find yourself on a field that’s not consistent with your values — find another one that is.  Life’s too short to be frustrated everytime you go to work.