As I listened to Barack Omaba denounce Jeremiah Wright last week, I was reminded of how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship that was once good and is now bad.

Thankfully, when most of us face the decision about cutting someone loose, we have the luxury to grapple privately with the “when” and “how” to do it yet the “if” is still a struggle.  How do you know when a relationship has become toxic? Is there an acid test? I think there is - when the other person doesn’t consider your interests, only her own, even when you have made it clear that your needs are not being met. 

Consider these situations: (more…)

TAGS: career derailments, communication, gaining confidence, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, politics at work, relationship chips, self-help, Self-trust

Although I spent much of my career working predominantly with men, I’ve been spoiled over the past few years by having the privilege of speaking mostly to women’s groups and working with women. Why do I say spoiled?  Because it’s a joy to work with people who want to learn, grow, and even laugh at themselves.  I love that about women.  We’re not too proud to admit what we don’t know.  How could we be?  We’ve spent our lives hearing about our shortcomings and what makes us less capable than the other half of the humans inhabiting the planet.  Guys, on the other hand, have the most marvelous way of rationalizing ineptitude.  I mean that.  I wish I could be as good at it.  Like the day a friend and I were put in a golf foursome with two men we didn’t know.  The first fellow tees off and the shot hooks into the woods.  “Ohhh.  That’s too bad,” I said with empathy.  What does this guy reply?  Are you ready?  “It wasn’t a bad shot.  It just didn’t go where I wanted it to go.”  Yeah.  Right.

It’s not by accident that publishers are delighted when authors write self-help books for women.  Women buy far more of these books than men.   And this means not only do we know what we don’t know, we want to fix it!  Ya gotta love that.  Men?  Not only don’t they not know what they don’t know, they don’t want to know (did you follow that?).  I have a little internal gauge that tells me how much resistance I encounter in a day.  It’s a gauge that either screams for one good glass of chardonnay (an indication that I’m exhausted by the resistance) or has me high from the day’s activities (which means I experienced a day filled with the give and take of ideas and information).  Now I’m not saying I mind resistance — I believe it’s one way human beings maintain equilibrium.  A healthy degree of skepticism keeps you from throwing the baby out with the bath water.  But I have noticed that my supply of chardonnay lasts a lot longer when I work with women. 

So, girlfriends, keep up the self-exploration, continue to be open to feedback, and show the willingness to go outside your comfort zone if it means you’ll move one step closer to your personal or professional goals.  Here are some great organizations that can help you to achieve your best:

Personal growth and leadership development: www.ntl.org

Public speaking: www.toastmasters.org  

Negotiation skills: www.negotiatingwomen.org

Individual coaching:  www.coachfederation.org

Company-sponsored coaching & team building: www.corporatecoachingintl.com

Exploring career change:  www.vocationvacations.com

I know from experience that personal development is hard work — but you’re up to it.  And as the little girl who spent all day shoveling horse manure responds when asked what she’s doing, “With all this manure I know there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.”

TAGS: career change, Coaching, leadership development, men rationalizing, Negotiation, negotiation skills, personal development, self-help, team building, women learning