Emotions ─ and our ability to control them ─ make all the difference in our negotiations.  And, the more important the negotiation is to us, the more challenging to manage our emotions.  I had a personal experience recently when my temper flared and, as a result, I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.  Yes, I knew better but still fell into the emotion trap.

Deepak Malhotra, Gillian Ku and J. Keith Murnighan’s Harvard Business Review article, “When Winning Is Everything” (May, 2008) discussed the problems negotiators face when they get so emotionally invested in besting the other party that their judgment suffers.  These experts isolate three drivers of what they call “competitive arousal”:

1. intense rivalry, especially when there is “history” between the parties
2. time pressure, a ticking clock increases anxiety
3. being in the spotlight, negotiating while others watch

Dan Ariely’s fascinating book, “Predictably Irrational” also discusses the risk we take when we underestimate the power of emotion; the decisions we make “in the heat of the moment” not only differ than those we make when we are cool, calm and collected but can get us in all sorts of trouble. (more…)

TAGS: business communication, competition, Dan Ariely, Deepak Malhotra, gaining confidence, Gillian Ku, Harvard Business Review, J. Keith Murnighan, negotiation skills, Self-trust

“Sex and the City” made its debut last week (no doubt you heard about it!) but “what’s your point, honey? ” also opened.  Yes, the crowd admittedly was smaller but no less enthusiastic.

The independent film, written, directed and produced byAmy Sewell and Susan Toffler is insightful, powerful and funny.  It tells the stories of seven young women who were selected by CosmoGirl magazine as possible candidates for the White House in 2024 - the contest was designed to create more interest in politics among young women.  These young women are diverse and engaging; they are candid about their personal lives and professional aspirations and I don’t think you can watch the movie without liking each and every one of them. 

Adding to the movie’s charm are the hard hitting “documentary” style questions posed by three younger girls, for example, “Why don’t we have a woman in the White House?” and, “Would you vote for a qualified woman?”

Not surprisingly, Sewell and Toffler weren’t able to secure big studio money to back the film - F-word movies (”feminist” that is) don’t do well, Sewell was told.. So their plan is to distribute the film via DVD (available via their website) and encourage people to invite guests to watch with them. 

As far as I’m concerned, either before or after your girls’ field trip to see “Sex and the City”, stay home with your friends to watch the feel good movie of the year.  The shoes won’t be as fashionista but the ideas will definitely get you talking!

TAGS: Cultural diversity, dealing with family expectations, look and sound of leadership, Political debates, Politics, Raising Girls, Self-trust, women, women role models

As I listened to Barack Omaba denounce Jeremiah Wright last week, I was reminded of how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship that was once good and is now bad.

Thankfully, when most of us face the decision about cutting someone loose, we have the luxury to grapple privately with the “when” and “how” to do it yet the “if” is still a struggle.  How do you know when a relationship has become toxic? Is there an acid test? I think there is - when the other person doesn’t consider your interests, only her own, even when you have made it clear that your needs are not being met. 

Consider these situations: (more…)

TAGS: career derailments, communication, gaining confidence, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, politics at work, relationship chips, self-help, Self-trust

Last week, I gave a talk at the Atlanta Women’s Network Women Up 2008 event. The timing was in conjunction with International Women’s Day (March 8). They asked me to provide 3 key words about
negotiation that would coordinate with their principles:

“I am able.”

For this, I suggested the word, “authenticity”.

When you negotiate with people with whom you have an ongoing relationship, be authentic.  Be real.  Be yourself.

Authenticity makes you able.

“I have the tools.”

Here, the word is “preparation”.  Successful negotiators spend time planning.  They just don’t to wing it. The right  preparation makes all the difference between success and failure.

“I will shape the future.”

For this most important principle, I offered the word “proactive” .  You must proactively negotiate for what you want; you can’t just hope for it.

You will shape the future, not only for yourself but for others as well when you negotiate what you want and deserve.

TAGS: negotiating pay, Self-trust, women and power, women leaders

 Elizabeth Keathley explained yesterday in a piece she wrote for Women’s ENews that the challenge women face with regard to being “womanly” and yet still competent has affected Hillary Clinton’s campaign.  And, in case you don’t believe it,  Tuesday’s  Wall Street Journal ’s  (paid site) front page article THE DECIDERS: White Men Hold Key for Democrats  detailed depressing evidence of both gender and racial bias.

So, yes, it’s a puzzle.   The good news is that the attention this issue is getting this year will help women to understand that it’s not their just their imagination they struggle with getting the respect they deserve at work (for example, have you ever suggested an idea at a meeting that was ignored until it was brought up again by a male colleague?)  So, what to do?

Change perceptions, one person at  time.  Think about the people with whom you are interacting.  What do you know (or can you learn)  about what keeps them up at night? Most people are not consciously biased; they (both men and women)  are simply looking out for their own best interests.  To influence them,  you must help them to realize that they will be better off with you in a leadership role than not.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career goals, Hillary Clinton, personal branding, Self-trust, stereotypes, The Wall Street Journal

We’ve all been writing about trusting ourselves, so I’ll add my two cents. It isn’t easy, especially if you haven’t found yourself in a dark tunnel during your career and then found the light — a few times. But once you’ve had such experiences, self trust develops. You begin to see that the end of one chapter is not the end of all chapters but merely the beginning of a new one.

I’ve been reading The Nine: Inside The Secret World of The Supreme Court by Jeffrey Toobin. Toobin wrote of now Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts:

Robert’s failure to win confirmation to the D.C. circuit in 1992 turned out to be a lucky break…

For the next 8 years he had several arguments in front of the Supreme Court. He became known but did so without making enemies, creating for himself a “golden aura.”

This aura served Roberts well — as did his avoidance of partisanship. One door closed and another opened for him to ultimately become Chief Justice. Who knows the extent to which Roberts felt rejected in 1992 and how angry he may have been. Obviously, whatever he did feel did not prevent him from finding another route forward — trusting his ability and what clearly was a keen sense of politics. Like him or his politics or not, he certainly picked himself up and went on.

Not all closed doors lead to such impressive outcomes via other routes, but what happened to Roberts and most people who experience considerable success is a lesson. You have to believe in yourself. Sometimes that means believing you can learn what’s needed to start doing something new. And then going about doing so.

It’s important for all of us to know that there is never a single road to what we want to achieve. And even that what we want is not always as good as what we might ultimately get.

TAGS: career derailments, career goals, Jeffrey Toobin, John Roberts, Self-trust