A friend sent me a link to HR Morning where Jim Giuliano discussses the subject of women who bully other women.  He quotes a study indicating that women bullies target other women more than 70% of the time.  I have no doubt the statistic is correct, but regardless of what others say, I question the prevalence of women bullying other women.  In my long career I’ve been bullied or abused by plenty of women — but I’ve been bullied or abused by even more men.   Here are some things to consider:

• Could it be that you’re more likely to remember and respond negatively to a woman bully because you don’t expect to be treated badly by one of your own? 
• Are you more likely to “tolerate” a male bully because you feel you have little recourse or don’t know how to respond? 
• Are women are more likely to take their frustrations out on other women because to direct it toward men is a recipe for disaster?   The women they target may get upset, but they’re less likely to lash back as would most men who are attacked. 
• Are you more likely to describe assertive behavior on the part of other women as “bullying?”  Do you unknowingly perpetuate the belief,  ”if a man did it he would be assertive, if a woman does the same thing she’s aggressive.” 

Don’t get me wrong.  Bullying, harassment, and abuse of any kind are not acceptable workplace behaviors.  They should not be tolerated or condoned by managers and every employer should have a clearly written and widely distributed policy addressing  its position against these behaviors.  But the first step has to be taken by you.  Bullies usually back down when confronted.  Here are some tips for how you can deal with bullies and maybe even change the tenor of your workplace:

1.   Privately discuss your reaction to being treated less than respectfully.  Simply state the facts of what happened, how it made you feel, and what you would like to have happen in the future.  No need to argue about it, it’s your experience.

2.   Check into your company’s policy on non-harassment.  If there isn’t one, go to HR with a few colleagues and suggest there be one and training to accompany it.  Don’t be  the lone ranger on this one — there’s safety in numbers. 

3.   Comment on inappropriate behavior directed toward others.  As the saying goes, “you must be the change you wish to see.”  If someone else is being bullied or abused step in and suggest a time out so that everyone feels respected.  Don’t accuse, just observe.

4.   Read Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matter Most and/or Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stake Are High  We frequently recommend both books to our clients and have heard how helpful they are. 

5.   Take one or more of Negotiating Women’s On-Line E-Learning Courses  As Carol has said many times, the business of negotiating is the business of relationships.  Learning how to negotiate will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself in any situation.

TAGS: Bully broads, Coaching Tips, how to handle aggressive people, negotiation skills, women bullies, Women In the Professions, workplace bullying

Blogger Janice wrote in asking how to handle pregnancy/medical leave in this economy.  She’s 46 years old, works as a manager in a male-dominated field, has been employed by the same company for 20 years and is having her first child.  Based on years of service she’s entitled to 22 weeks of disability pay and five weeks of vacation, but she’s afraid to take all of that time off in this economy. 

Laws that may protect her aside, her concerns are valid.  Here’s what I told her — then I’d like some of you to provide her with additional input from your own experience.

Those who say women can have it all only have it partially correct.  We can have it all, but we can’t have it all at the same time.  Elizabeth Dole,  Hillary Clinton, and Michelle Obama are testament to this.  Each put their own career ambitions on hold as they supported their families at a critical time.  Realistically speaking, although there are enlightened companies who deal with the issue progressively, many still penalize women for off-ramping for childbearing and childcare.

Yes, this is fragile time in our economy and whatever decision you make may impact the trajectory of your career – or even having a job at all.  There are many factors that go into your decision: 

• Do I live in a community or field where it would be difficult to find work if I were terminated?
• How has the company handled women managers who took pregnancy/disability leave? 
• What is my financial situation?  Could I afford to be unemployed for a period of time if my employer decided to let me go after I return from my leave?
• Does my job allow me to work part-time from home after the birth of the baby?

In the end, however, I believe you must live your values.  You’ve obviously waited a long time for this baby and clearly it’s not a decision you’ve made frivolously.  My advice to you is to put your values first if that’s economically reasonable.  If you are entitled to 22 weeks plus five weeks of vacation and you feel this is the amount of time needed to do right by your newborn, then it might be a risk you are willing to take.   You’ve worked for the company for 20 years, been promoted to management, and survived layoffs so obviously they value you and might want to work with you to keep you.  If instead they use it as an excuse to let you go you will still have taken the path you believe is best for you and your family – one that I doubt you’ll regret. 

Your thought about taking less time to show you are a “team player” and concerned about your continued employment is an option.  But also consider taking the full amount of time available to you but working from home part-time after a few months if your job allows for it.  This is something you might be able to negotiate with your management in advance.  Think creatively so that you can propose alternatives that demonstrate your professionalism and commitment to your employer while at the same time factoring in your own needs.

Many women have told me once the baby is born they view their careers quite differently and opt for less demanding work lives.  Others find themselves anxious to return to careers they love and find a balance between parenting and work.  Until your baby is born you may not know which camp you fall into.

TAGS: negotiating a leave of absence, telling your boss you're pregnant, Women In the Professions, Workplace pregnancy

Politics aside, Adam Nagourney’s piece on John McCain’s management style in Sunday’s New York Times made me think of bad bosses.  He reports that Jill Hazelbaker, McCain’s campaign spokeswoman, had a strong reaction to the fact that McCain had thrown her under the bus by publicly disagreeing with her when she implemented a strategy he had previously agreed to. Reportedly, Hazelbaker was so displeased that she refused to take his apology call. 

You too may have had the experience of having to deal with a boss who says one thing in private and something else in public, particularly when things get tough. You know, the boss who says, “Tell that client we won’t budge on the price!” but caves when the client calls him directly. Or the boss who tells you that you have 15 minutes on the agenda to present at the meeting but interrupts you after only five minutes have elapsed.

What to do when it happens again?

• Don’t react in the moment. Take a deep breath. Do not show your frustration in your tone of voice or body language either.
• Reflect carefully. Is this a one-time mistake or, as it seems it is in McCain’s case, a recurring pattern? If it is the former and not too grievous, you may decide to ignore it and move on. If it is a pattern, you’ve got a problem.
• Try to figure out why he/she did it. Did he simply forget what you had agreed to? Did she change her mind because she got more information? Or did he decide to save himself at your expense?
• Decide how, when and where to broach the subject. Usually, face to face meetings are the best choice but an email or phone call may be your method of choice in some situations. Pick a time (after you’ve cooled down) when you can get his/her uninterrupted attention and when you won’t feel rushed. Meet in a quiet place where you can have a private conversation.

Two days later, a follow-up Nagourney article on McCain’s campaign, identified the spokesperson as Brian Rogers ─ I wonder what happened to Hazelbaker? If you often find yourself under the bus, you may want to find a new boss. It’s not healthy to breathe exhaust fumes regularly!

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, Coaching Tips, dealing with passive aggressive people, Leaving a bad boss or a job you hate, loyalty at work, politics at work, self-esteem, Women at Work, Women In the Professions

Yesterday I attended a session called “Flexing the Workplace: New Ways to Get Work Done and Build Careers” spearheaded by Deborah Epstein Henry of Flex-time Lawyers and sponsored by the National Association of Women Lawyers. 

As you can probably guess from the title, the speakers discussed both research and recommendations for the ways that law firms can adapt and change to meet the demands of both men and women who don’t want to do things in the same way that they’ve always been done.

The issues are complicated.  And to make it even more challenging, law firms are culturally steeped in precedent and tradition so that change can be very painful. Patricia Gillette, co-founder of the Opt In Project and a wonderful speaker, quoted Carly Fiorina: “Change is like heaven; everyone wants to go there but nobody wants to die.”  So policies that allow for flexible work schedules don’t come easy.

But even if you work in a company that has managed to establish such policies, they don’t help unless you can actually use them without damaging your career.  The senior leadership in your firm has undoubtedly supported these policies because they make smart business sense.  But those below in the pecking order may not have the “big picture” in mind – these “frozen middle” people can make actually using flexible work policies difficult if not impossible.

That’s where negotiation comes in – it’s the way you can melt the ice. Three tips:

1. Be prepared. 
   The conversation you will have with your manager should help him or her to wholeheartedly support your decision. You have to be very clear about how you will continue to meet business objectives under the new arrangement.
2. Be aware. 
   Think about how your decision will affect your colleagues.  Will anyone be disaffected?  If so, how can you proactively manage the situation before resentment starts to fester?
3. Be firm. 
   While an occasional emergency may require that you respond immediately, think about how you can manage things so that the flexible schedule that you have designed doesn’t get eroded.

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, career derailment, Fairness at work, flexibility, Negotiation, negotiation skills, The National Association of Women Lawyers, The Opt In Project, Women In the Professions, work life balance

Yesterday, I was the morning speaker for the Pennsylvania Bar Association Commission on Women in the Profession.  The conference theme was “Women and Politics” so my talk focused on how women can increase their political capital by negotiating more effectively, whether they are running for public office or not.  Could the timing have been any more interesting given that news that Hillary Clinton has decided to suspend her campaign broke just last night? Yes, there I was in Pennsylvania, a state that had meant so much to the Clinton candidacy, speaking to a group of women lawyers but I must admit I was feeling very depressed about the outcome of the Clinton campaign. 

Then Gerry Ferraro made me feel better.  (more…)

TAGS: Geraldine A. Ferraro, Hillary, Hillary Clinton, media bias, Politics, Women In the Professions, women role models

The Pink May/June issue includes the results of a poll the magazine did of more than 2500 women who attended a series of conferences in six cities during 2007. Among the findings is that 98% of those polled believed that they have a responsibility to help other women.

So, if you too feel a responsibility to make the workplace a better place for other women, don’t just think about it, take action.

• If your company has a formal mentoring program, consider participating in it. If it doesn’t, think about starting one. Or at least mentor another woman on an informal basis.
• If your company has a women’s affinity group, join it. Volunteer to help in whatever capacity you can.
• If you lead people, be sure you offer the same opportunities to the women on your team as you do to the men. Don’t be blindsided by the gender schemas that affect both men and women.

What other suggestions do you have? What kinds of help have you given to other woman? Let’s make each other’s day!

TAGS: competition, Cultural diversity, look and sound of leadership, servant leadership, Volunteering at work, Women at Work, Women In the Professions, women leaders, women not trusting women, women role models, women working for women

But you’ve got to say “no” sometimes and accept that the other person isn’t going to be happy.  I had to do it twice last week — and I did not enjoy it.  Nonetheless, I realized that my interests would not be met if I said yes.

One of the ways women can get in our own way is to try to make others happy at our own expense. Way too often we are so focused on building relationships with others that we forget that we too should expect — and get — consideration. (more…)

TAGS: Building workplace relationships, communication, Communication Skills, negotiation skills, Political skills, Risk-taking, ways to work healthy, women, women and power, Women at Work, Women In the Professions, women leaders

Tonight I received an e-mail from my dear friend Itje Suryono from Jakarta, Indonesia.  I had not heard from her in a while and was worried.  I wrote to several mutual friends in Jakarta inquiring into her well-being and finally she responded.  We started off as client/consultant and soon realized we were kindred spirits.  I’ve known Itje for over 20 years and have learned so much from her.  Most of all I’ve learned that around the world we women are so much more similar than we are different. In tonight’s e-mail she apologized for not writing but that she “was getting old.”  How many of us feel the exact same way?  There is so much to do and so little time that we just get tuckered out.  Over the years I learned from Itje that we may worship different entities and speak different languages but at the heart of it all we want the best for our families, wish we had more time for our friends, and suffer the eccentricities of our bosses and husbands.  I wish more women within other countries understood this notion.  We look different, but feel the same.  We share the same concerns.  We struggle with the same challenges.  You don’t have to go half way around the world to figure this out.  I invite our international visitors to talk about their challenges so that we may all learn from — and help one another — to be even better than we already are.

TAGS: global issues, international women's issues, Jakarta, Women In the Professions, women's challenges

Dr. Stanley Fish wrote a facinating post today (Think Again , his NY Times blog) about the hatred some people hold for Hillary Clinton.  Dr. Fish characterizes  it as “crazy”; I agree. 

So, is it merely crazy people who have a problem with Hillary Clinton, a strong woman?

Eve Tahmincioglu reminds us of the Elle/MSNBC survey results originally published in March, 2007 that reported both men and women who expressed a preference, preferred to work for a man.

(more…)

TAGS: Coaching Tips, Women at Work, Women In the Professions